Choice words

Let me just say that I need to talk to my BFF and I really don’t want to bitch about anything. 

We had plans to hang out on Tuesday; or as I know it “Open mic night!”. It’s one of the only things that I look forward to because I get to see my friends. No really, the people that care about me the most in this life.  I don’t get to see them as much as I want to because I’m at University, but that one day of the month, I can finally take a microphone and say “Most of the people I know are huge assholes and I’m so fucking happy to see you all.” 

They get it. My friends are basically older versions of me, except they have more tattoos and jobs. But they get it. They know what it is like to live on a small budget and (happily) accept the small amount of cash that they earn from shows. But despite that, they know that music comes before the money anyway.  For the most part, they know how it is to not be apart of society because they don’t want them there, or because they left in the first place. We share the same struggles, and I’m extremely grateful for them. 

On Thursday, I’d though that I would see my BFF there. I even saved them a seat, to my right, in the second row. But after 25 minutes, I just knew that they weren't going to show.  As I sat in the shaky wooden chair, a part of my heart sank. They knew how much that this one night means to me, and they even told me that they would show, but why weren’t they there? I chewed on that question all night, and after a while, I just told myself to have fun and enjoy my time there. 

Another one of my friends asked me what I was doing on vacation. Because I didn’t have anything to loose, I just put my emotions in a metaphor and told them:

“I’m not doing too much on vacation. I’m mostly waiting, I don’t know what for,  something to happen I guess. But for now, I’m just sitting on my couch, listening to Joy Division. They know me better than I know myself right now.” 

I didn’t plan to read anything beforehand, so I just decided to talk about how I wan’t to just walk in the wilderness and just hope that I can enjoy things there. Everyone practically agreed, so I didn’t feel as bad. There is just something that I like about the forest, or just mountains. It is just quiet. I can think without distractions and my soul can breathe and relax. I have nothing to loose, and no one to think about except myself. I tend to not do that when I’m at home, like I am now. 

That is what I did yesterday. I just thought about things I really want to do and I did them. I read books, and just told myself to be happy and to not care about what other people do. It is my life after all. But the people in it help me through and I guess the right people are there at the right times. One of my other friends from the neighborhood asked me if I wanted to hang out and watch movies all day. I said yes. I miss everyone that I had to leave behind, and although I don’t see the people from my town as much as I want to, I know that they care about me. 

To go back to open mic night, another one of my good friends told me about how much they like having me around:

“Things just wouldn’t be the same here without you. I’m glad you are here, remember that.” 

At this point, I think I don’t care what anyone thinks about me because I know who does; my friends do. That makes me happy. But I’m not happy when I don’t understand why people do the things that they do. 

It’s hard right now because I’m vacation, I’m basically cut off from people. I stay in my room, I read, play guitar, eat and sleep. It was great for the first couple of weeks because I could do whatever I want without obligation. After a while it got boring, I don’t have experiences with people as I normally would. I miss that. and it would be even better if I could have shared something that I really enjoy with my friend two days ago. 

I keep telling myself that it is ok, and that I would be fine, but I know that something is different. I don’t know what, but something has changed. I’m not too happy about that. 

This morning, my BFF showed me this listing for an apartment. We had plans to move in together, so we could cut costs and just have fun. The apartment is nice and close to campus, so I don’t really have any complaints there, but when I seen it, I just wanted to say: “No, I don’t think that I want to be there anytime soon” but that would be mean. I just told them the truth: “Hold off on the listing for now. I applied for a residency position, and I really would’t want to spend money on a place I wouldn’t live in”. That’s it. I haven’t heard anything since then. I don’t really care, but you know that I do. I honestly don’t care if they read my text message, and haven’t replied. I don’t care if they are fuming angry and mad as hell at me, or if they aren't.  I’ll just take these feelings out on myself for now. 

10 Weeks

I think the hardest thing about being on vacation is that I have to deal with all of these thoughts that I’ve been hiding from myself for 10 weeks. I hate it, but if I don’t address there will be no way for me to feel better. 

I really don’t want to be “here”. I don’t know what that means. I don’t want to be at home, I don’t want to deal with my family, I don’t want to be back at University, I don’t want to be “around”. No, I don’t want to be dead because that would not help me at all. I need to go to University because it isn’t that bad after all (despite what I think),  home has my family in it and yes, that gets annoying because not even they understand sometimes (well most of the time). 

Today, I was in a room with my mom and I started crying for about an hour and a half. I know that she knew, but she didn’t say anything until I told her “I don’t want to be here anymore.” Then more tears. I guess this is the issue. I don’t know what I want. I feel like everything that I worked for doesn’t belong to me, or I just don't deserve it at all. That isn’t a good way to think. I know that, but for some reason, that little voice in the back of my head is yelling at me then and now. 

Look, I know that I worked my ass off to get into a good University,  and I do have an opportunity to stay here and learn as much as I fucking can, but I don’t fit in. I don’t wear fancy North Face jackets with Ugg boots, my glasses aren’t Ray Ban’s, I’m not in the Cayman Islands, France, or Keystone for vacation. (Irony: “Rich” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs just started to play while I typed this) I don’t have a best friend that I tell all of my shit to, and that is making me feel so fucking bad. Trust me, I wish that I had some of those things, but I really wish that I wasn’t so fucking scared to tell someone how I feel. So far my BFF (I’m there’s too), and I are getting along fine. But I’m kind of distant about some things, because I just don’t want to loose them, or make them think of me as some type of mentally unstable depressed psycho. 

This is as far  as I got to explaining how I feel. One day, I got into an argument with my family members before class, and I had to walk right in afterwards. They asked me if there was something wrong, and me bing me just said: 

“No. nothing is wrong. But thanks for asking”.

What a fucking lie. I’m not a good liar. I totally had that “I just cried outside before I came in and I’m about to loose my shit” look on my face. But good thing I told them what was up later, in my signature vague way. 

I hate lying. I hate hiding shit. Because when I do, I just end up like this, and I cry all day and listen to Joy Division for hours, which isn’t a bad thing, but I like to do other things than be moderately sad all day. I touch on this in my zines all the time, but it’s worth writing down again. Someone, is showing some sort of interest in how I feel and just me in general. To me that is fantastic, but that voice is calling it odd because I tend not to trust anyone or myself. But I need to change it. 

I know someone is in love with me (Irony Two: “Fall In Love With Me” By Iggy Pop just started playing. iTunes is 2/2 so far) and to my best efforts, my bluffing isn’t working. I’m just going to stop with that. I literally can’t do anything because I’m stuck at this house for another 5 or so weeks, but I need to say something but I’m so afraid to. Damn that little voice in the back of my head, it isn’t helping me out any. But I need to be like:

“Wan’t to go to this concert next week? I know that you know something about music unlike everyone else here...”

That might work. No sorry, that is going to work because I said that it will, and I know that it will. I was talking to that person right before I left for vacation at this half melted ice cream party. Part of it was me stress eating for finals (and because I didn’t need real food, because I’m a beast.), but part of it was no one was really around, and they were looking at me super intensely. I had a plastic spoon in my hand, and I was trying to get half liquid chocolate chip ice cream into my bowl (that is so very hard). I wasn’t awake because I was writing papers all day, and I was a little bit spaced out. After getting about half of the container into my bowl, I heard laughing. 

“Harder than it looks right?” 

“Tell me about it. Where is an ice cream scooper when you need one?”  I said. 

What was I doing? I was talking to this person I have a crush on, and I wasn’t making an ass of myself while doing it. Something just felt different at that second, and it always does whenever I talk to them. 

After that we started talking. My eyes were on the toppings. My Brain was in the conversation, but my heart was in the right place. It was so strange. They know a lot about me (that might be low grade stalking that they do, or they are just super observant), and for once in this 10 week period, I wasn’t awkward around them. I still want to know how, out of all things, they know about my band (even the name) and this music festival I played about two weeks before that conversation. I’ve been trying to work out how that works out in my head, but I’m starting to think that I’m not supposed to. I guess I had one of those moments that I can’t explain. 

(“Bienvenue” by Class Actress is playing, I guess that speaks for itself. iTunes has been interesting tonight)

Looks like I’ve found a keeper. And I’m going to do everything that I can to keep them in my life. No matter what. I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to do it. I should probably stop thinking about it, and just let it happen. 

So yes, I want to be back with them, in the dorm, eating the better part of a gallon of ice cream, and wondering about what the hell I’m going to do next. That is the best incentive that I have, and I know that I will be rewarded, I can feel it. But until then, I got to stay here, in this place where I don’t want to be, and take it second by second, until my vacation ends, where I shut my feelings off for another 10 weeks, and see what happens. I know that I won’t feel too bad. 

(To finish things off, “Parents” by Descendents just started to play. Go figure.)

Songwriting

I'm on summer vacation for the next four or so months, so I got a lot of time to take part in my favorite activity; songwriting. I been kind of hesitant towards songwriting for the past couple of months because I frankly don't know how to write a song. Yesterday when I started writing, I just told myself to "wing it" until something sounds great. I've written a lot of poetry, but I just stopped a while ago because I wanted to. Now that I told myself to write, I just can't stop.

I really didn't stop either. Although I really haven't written a full arrangement in a while, but I have bits of lyrics that I have scattered around in notebooks, note cards, journals and phones. I have "seeds" around everywhere that could grow into a full song if I just put the time in that I needed to. Now that I have time, I can start developing those ideas into the extraordinary songs that they are.

My friends are always asking me about my songwriting process, and what inspires me to write. I usually give the same answer: "Oh, you know, if something happens in my life, I write about it, and just see what happens". Although that is true, I try to examine the underling issues of my songs. For example, I could have the worst day in my life and decide to write a song not about being angry, but instead about how people treat other people. That could be the same thing, but I think that the motivations behind both songs is quite different. I really don't say that when someone asks me about how I write songs.

Whenever my friends ask me about my songwriting progress, most of them say "Just go for it! We are waiting for your album!". I honestly can't wait to finish whatever DIY mess I make but I'll make sure to include amazing songs.

Finally cracked.

I've been feeling strange lately. It isn't just strange in the sense of "I really don't know how I feel" but more like I just don't want to tell anyone how I feel. This is partly because I really don't know how I feel. I just can't describe it. Part of it also comes from the fact that I really can't think about anything because I'm so tired all of the time. This got annoying, so I decided to just take a time out this weekend and find out this feeling inside.

So I was sitting on my bed yesterday after going to the record store and just enjoying the day, and then it hit me. I cracked open a soda (this is kind of my new thing to do on the weekend, kick back and drink a soda or two) and I just sat, waiting to find out what I hiding on the inside. My phone suddenly blurted out a text alert, and then I knew what I was hiding from. I'm hiding from the fact that I'm in love.

That is it. I just don't like admitting it. When I do admit or at leas tell my feelings for another person to one of my friends, it's always an awkward affair (I know, I shouldn't have used the a word).  I honestly want to tell one of my friends, but it is just so strange for me. Whenever I do I usually get the "Oh really?" treatment, or a weird look. So far, I haven't told anyone how I directly feel because I don't want to risk myself becoming enraged or anything.

Then again, I just don't want to be wrong with anything. My mindset is "I can't feel any pain if I don't admit my feelings". As great as that works, I just don't like being dishonest to myself. So I guess this time around, I'm doing things the "right way". I guess this is my new stance on life, if I feel like I'm doing something wrong, then I'm doing it wrong.

I then looked at my phone, and then I realized that I got a text from the person that I wanted to talk to. At first, I was just glad that they texted me first, I hate texting first. I just don't enjoy texting people first becasue I hate all of the pressure that it brings. So this was a welcome relief. I didn't know then that this simple text back could morph into a three hour talk fest. I don't want to say anything bad because it wasn't a bad conversation, but it was one of those conversations where you just don't talk about anything and enjoy it.

Something is defiantly happening right now. I just can't put my finger on it yet. For now, I don't want to talk about all of the negative things that might happen. I only want to think about all of the good that will be coming my way. If that isn't optimism, I don't know what is.

Feelings

I told myself that I would start to pay attention to my feelings more, so I started to listen to all of the noise that I'm making. I don't really want to talk about how I feel because I turned it off for so long. So I guess I'll try to put words to senses.

I don't know what it is about love or what not, but it always tries to bite me in the ass whenever I get close to it. I always want to try to make love amazing, but something always stops me, just like right now. I had to think about it for a little bit today, but I think I'm sort of afraid of love though. Well, not being in love, that is nice, but more like, letting love slip away from me.

Here is an example. Last year, I dated my ex for about three months. It was my second time dating them. I thought of the opportunity as a "great second chance" but instead, it ended and I felt like all of my old emotions came back to punch me in the face. I really wish that I had the chance to not get attached to my feelings so much, because it is starting to make me upset.

I'll have to write more later. It is getting late, and I'm drowsy from this hay fever medication.