I've been feeling strange lately. It isn't just strange in the sense of "I really don't know how I feel" but more like I just don't want to tell anyone how I feel. This is partly because I really don't know how I feel. I just can't describe it. Part of it also comes from the fact that I really can't think about anything because I'm so tired all of the time. This got annoying, so I decided to just take a time out this weekend and find out this feeling inside.
So I was sitting on my bed yesterday after going to the record store and just enjoying the day, and then it hit me. I cracked open a soda (this is kind of my new thing to do on the weekend, kick back and drink a soda or two) and I just sat, waiting to find out what I hiding on the inside. My phone suddenly blurted out a text alert, and then I knew what I was hiding from. I'm hiding from the fact that I'm in love.
That is it. I just don't like admitting it. When I do admit or at leas tell my feelings for another person to one of my friends, it's always an awkward affair (I know, I shouldn't have used the a word). I honestly want to tell one of my friends, but it is just so strange for me. Whenever I do I usually get the "Oh really?" treatment, or a weird look. So far, I haven't told anyone how I directly feel because I don't want to risk myself becoming enraged or anything.
Then again, I just don't want to be wrong with anything. My mindset is "I can't feel any pain if I don't admit my feelings". As great as that works, I just don't like being dishonest to myself. So I guess this time around, I'm doing things the "right way". I guess this is my new stance on life, if I feel like I'm doing something wrong, then I'm doing it wrong.
I then looked at my phone, and then I realized that I got a text from the person that I wanted to talk to. At first, I was just glad that they texted me first, I hate texting first. I just don't enjoy texting people first becasue I hate all of the pressure that it brings. So this was a welcome relief. I didn't know then that this simple text back could morph into a three hour talk fest. I don't want to say anything bad because it wasn't a bad conversation, but it was one of those conversations where you just don't talk about anything and enjoy it.
Something is defiantly happening right now. I just can't put my finger on it yet. For now, I don't want to talk about all of the negative things that might happen. I only want to think about all of the good that will be coming my way. If that isn't optimism, I don't know what is.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Over and Out
Image by mugley via FlickrI want to say that this break up was "painless" but that would just be a lie; every break up is painful, but sometimes they just don't hurt as bad. Its like getting a paper cut on your hand, and one on your fingertip; they both hurt, they are both on the hand, but you will feel the one on the tip of the finger more.
I'm not sad right now, I'm more disappointed in myself and the situation I'm in. Put yourself in my shoes for a second; I've been single for 3 years, people break up with me for really stupid reasons and I been dumped on or before valentines day twice. You can see where I'm coming from. I just want to know what I'm doing wrong. I'm not a bad person and I'm not a bad date. It really makes me mad when people make up a bullshit excuse or "dumb things down" to "lessen the impact". I'm not going to feel better if I keep thinking about "how lame I am".
I went to bed at 2:15, I was still trying to digest everything. To be honest, I still dont' know what went on. Everything is so confusing. When this was happening at 8 ish last night, I was kind of tired and pissed off. I only talked to them because I "wanted to know if we were doing anything tomorrow. Its going to be a nice day". Frankly not. I got all the reasons why "this couldn't work" and "why both of us shouldn't be dating" and all of this unnecessary rubbish. I then used my time honored debate skills and said something among the lines of this: " I see your point, and I know that it it is valid. The thing is, I know that you were trying to break up with me for 2 weeks. I'm not stupid".
I don't even know if I want to be friends. I don't want to be friends with them right now, that is a sure thing. We were good friends in the past until the same thing happened the "Oh, I think we are done dating. We never do anything." I then just quit talking to them for a good while and then out of the blue, "want to go out?". I flat out said that "This isn't going to last if you don't give me some space to focus my responsibilities" and they agreed. It sucked when they used that against me. "We never do anything, you are always doing something". Really? I never would have guessed (bitterness over). Friends are there when you need them, and there when you don't. This isn't going to happen right now. I don't know about the future, but I doubt that would happen.
I learned 2 things from this: Don't EVER date an Ex no matter how long its been. Also rebound relationships hurt the non rebounder too. I don't care how long its been, how many people you dated since you last dated your Ex, how great and fantastic your self esteem is, or any of that. Never date an ex. Its like déjà vu every time you see them again, nothing is going to change, it never will. If you are thinking of a rebound relationship, keep the other person in mind. Think of all the pain that you might cause someone else. Think about how you will make them feel when things are over and done. They might cry themselves to sleep every night, lash out at friends and family, or grow to hate you in the long run. Keep that in mind before you fall into a relationship
Friday, February 11, 2011
On dating
I talked to my significant other last weekend and we settled on three dating events: concerts, tattoos, and dinner. When I thought about it, I realized that I should blog about dating.
Clothing.
I'm pretty relaxed when it comes to clothes. I weir whatever I feel like wearing. I go back to my punk roots often, and I sport my handmade jacket sometimes, other times I'll feel fine with my favorite combo: band T-shirt, pants, and Doc Martens. Sometimes I feel like spoofing my debate centric life too; Blazer, Band shirt, jeans, slip-on vans. I think I cover both sides of the spectrum well, on one side I can out dress a banker, but on the other hand, I can be ready to mosh in a split second.
I just got a haircut yesterday, and its a shag and bob hybrid. I don't really think about my hair, but I knew that it was getting too long.
So how do I dress for this "Date"? Well, I have some errands that I have to do Satruday morning, so I think I'm going to weair my new green hoodie that I bought last weekend, a plain blue T-shirt, my ultra cool "faded" and "trashy" looking skinny jeans (I wear then when I go skateboarding), my bracelets that I always wear, and my slip on Vans (I shouldn't be walking though snow/slush/ice)
Communication.
I'm socially awkward, or over polite, too formal, whatever you want to call it. I don't want to focus on me, so I have to focus on them for once. Basically, what I'm trying to say is this: I don't want to talk about music, I don't want to talk about my music collection, I don't want to talk about Speech and Debate, and I sure don't want to talk about my life. That shouldn't be too hard right? Wrong.
I really don't know what to talk about, I run out of topics a lot. My thought train goes like this:
I might let nature take its course. If something comes up, I'll talk about it. It isn't that hard (or not like Debate for that matter).
The Converse
(not the shoes silly, the opposite side!) Here is the deal breaker, or the thing I'm fearing the most. The Significant Other yelling, running after me and throwing things. I really dont want to have the "I was working for 19 hours last weekend, I'm sorry I didn't' go to the movies with you" speech. I really don't. That would kill me. I don't want to apologetic for being a "wishy washy date", it isn't my fault really, blame the team that needs me, blame the kids who depend on me for homework help, blame the people who need me.
We will see how it goes. I'm highly doubting a date this weekend, but it should be coming up soon.
Clothing.
I'm pretty relaxed when it comes to clothes. I weir whatever I feel like wearing. I go back to my punk roots often, and I sport my handmade jacket sometimes, other times I'll feel fine with my favorite combo: band T-shirt, pants, and Doc Martens. Sometimes I feel like spoofing my debate centric life too; Blazer, Band shirt, jeans, slip-on vans. I think I cover both sides of the spectrum well, on one side I can out dress a banker, but on the other hand, I can be ready to mosh in a split second.
I just got a haircut yesterday, and its a shag and bob hybrid. I don't really think about my hair, but I knew that it was getting too long.
So how do I dress for this "Date"? Well, I have some errands that I have to do Satruday morning, so I think I'm going to weair my new green hoodie that I bought last weekend, a plain blue T-shirt, my ultra cool "faded" and "trashy" looking skinny jeans (I wear then when I go skateboarding), my bracelets that I always wear, and my slip on Vans (I shouldn't be walking though snow/slush/ice)
Communication.
I'm socially awkward, or over polite, too formal, whatever you want to call it. I don't want to focus on me, so I have to focus on them for once. Basically, what I'm trying to say is this: I don't want to talk about music, I don't want to talk about my music collection, I don't want to talk about Speech and Debate, and I sure don't want to talk about my life. That shouldn't be too hard right? Wrong.
I really don't know what to talk about, I run out of topics a lot. My thought train goes like this:
"How was your day?"
"Did anything cool happen?"
"Something cool happened to me today."
"You know what I seen today?"
"I bought this really wicked album, but I didn't bring it with me."
"I think that music education is on the decline, do you?"
"No? well thats ok."
"How about that weather?"
I might let nature take its course. If something comes up, I'll talk about it. It isn't that hard (or not like Debate for that matter).
The Converse
(not the shoes silly, the opposite side!) Here is the deal breaker, or the thing I'm fearing the most. The Significant Other yelling, running after me and throwing things. I really dont want to have the "I was working for 19 hours last weekend, I'm sorry I didn't' go to the movies with you" speech. I really don't. That would kill me. I don't want to apologetic for being a "wishy washy date", it isn't my fault really, blame the team that needs me, blame the kids who depend on me for homework help, blame the people who need me.
We will see how it goes. I'm highly doubting a date this weekend, but it should be coming up soon.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
To Cling or Not to Cling
I thought I wouldn't last a week, but here I am, 31 days later and everything is going ok. Well, at least better than I thought it would be. I think things are going well, but nothing has really changed. The date last week didn't happen, I didn't get the national slot, I didn't watch SNL this weekend, life goes on. Class has been canceled for the past 2 days due to closed weather, so I'm kind of waiting for something to happen. So I thought that I would blog about not being clingy.
I've been called "clingy" in every relationship I've been in, but I haven't been called clingy in this relationship. I have a vague definition of "clingyness" but this is taken from compiled data from the vast series of tubes called the internet. No matter where I look, I always find these 5 things in common.
You always call first.
You don't have a life outside the relationship.
You are insecure.
You are lonely
You Panic too much.
I'm going to disprove all of these things in the analytical way that I always do things.
"You always call first"
First of all I don't call people (yeah, sorry. I'm trying to lighten the mood). But I do get into the habit of texting "Good morning" at 6:30 when I leave for the day, and I always text "Good Night" before I go to bed. From my point of view, it is the right thing to do. If someone finds that annoying, I beg to differ. People like that kind of stuff, its common courtesy. In my book, texting "good day" is like holding the door open for someone you don't know. It is the little things that people don't think about too often, but when they do they really appreciate them.
"You don't have a life outside the relationship"
Again, this is not true. Have you read my debate blogging? I have a life, even though my Significant other doesn't agree with me. I'm always doing something throughout the months. Its debate season right now, but even that is starting to slow down a bit. Volunteer season is coming up soon, and if I make some money in the next couple of months I'll be recording the songs I wrote with a crapy tape deck. Yeah, I think that I have a life outside this relationship. I just think that it would brighten up my day a little if I seen them.
"You are insecure"
I don't think I'm insecure, but I'll address this anyway. Insecurity is when you don't really know what you want, or how you are going to get what you want. I'm like this sometimes, but it is always when I'm panicking. I might be one of those people who have a strong will to do something, but is afraid to do it because I'm too indifferent to my feelings. Again, I don't really know (heck, I really might be indifferent!)
"You are Lonely"
I get lonely sometimes, I'm not going to deny that. I know why I'm lonely though. Its because people "Talk and ditch" or in other words, people will talk to me for a while, but then I don't know what happens after the fact. I have friends and all of that, but I just want to hear from them some times. I haven't seen most of my friends in 4 years, and you don't know how upsetting that is. I feel like I can't talk to people about how I feel and when I do get the opportunity chance it just goes away, like the smoke from a blown out candle.
"You panic too much"
This is true. Sometimes I freak out if something isn't going as planned or if I miss a deadline or something like that. I feel like I should carry around a paper bag and start to breathe into it if I get to "panic prone". Remember that one time when I was talking about "stress related heart attacks?" I think I might get one soon.
Frankly, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if "clingy is a virtue" or if I'm crazier than a sandwich with cling wrap on it. I'm going to explain my day with metaphors so stick around and catch the goodness.
I've been called "clingy" in every relationship I've been in, but I haven't been called clingy in this relationship. I have a vague definition of "clingyness" but this is taken from compiled data from the vast series of tubes called the internet. No matter where I look, I always find these 5 things in common.
You always call first.
You don't have a life outside the relationship.
You are insecure.
You are lonely
You Panic too much.
I'm going to disprove all of these things in the analytical way that I always do things.
"You always call first"
First of all I don't call people (yeah, sorry. I'm trying to lighten the mood). But I do get into the habit of texting "Good morning" at 6:30 when I leave for the day, and I always text "Good Night" before I go to bed. From my point of view, it is the right thing to do. If someone finds that annoying, I beg to differ. People like that kind of stuff, its common courtesy. In my book, texting "good day" is like holding the door open for someone you don't know. It is the little things that people don't think about too often, but when they do they really appreciate them.
"You don't have a life outside the relationship"
Again, this is not true. Have you read my debate blogging? I have a life, even though my Significant other doesn't agree with me. I'm always doing something throughout the months. Its debate season right now, but even that is starting to slow down a bit. Volunteer season is coming up soon, and if I make some money in the next couple of months I'll be recording the songs I wrote with a crapy tape deck. Yeah, I think that I have a life outside this relationship. I just think that it would brighten up my day a little if I seen them.
"You are insecure"
I don't think I'm insecure, but I'll address this anyway. Insecurity is when you don't really know what you want, or how you are going to get what you want. I'm like this sometimes, but it is always when I'm panicking. I might be one of those people who have a strong will to do something, but is afraid to do it because I'm too indifferent to my feelings. Again, I don't really know (heck, I really might be indifferent!)
"You are Lonely"
I get lonely sometimes, I'm not going to deny that. I know why I'm lonely though. Its because people "Talk and ditch" or in other words, people will talk to me for a while, but then I don't know what happens after the fact. I have friends and all of that, but I just want to hear from them some times. I haven't seen most of my friends in 4 years, and you don't know how upsetting that is. I feel like I can't talk to people about how I feel and when I do get the opportunity chance it just goes away, like the smoke from a blown out candle.
"You panic too much"
This is true. Sometimes I freak out if something isn't going as planned or if I miss a deadline or something like that. I feel like I should carry around a paper bag and start to breathe into it if I get to "panic prone". Remember that one time when I was talking about "stress related heart attacks?" I think I might get one soon.
Frankly, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if "clingy is a virtue" or if I'm crazier than a sandwich with cling wrap on it. I'm going to explain my day with metaphors so stick around and catch the goodness.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Yes, I'm selfish.
It's been 23 days in and things are starting to get rough. Right now, I'm super occupied with the things that I have to do academically. Basically, I'm doing what I can now, to set myself up for success later. If you visit my blog often, you will understand that I'm a Debate geek. I'm putting my face out there this year, and I have a serious shot of making it to the National and State compilation that every Debater hopes and dreams for. I'm in a pretty good spot right now too. Either way, I should be quite happy that I'm this far, but I'm not.
I was sleeping yesterday because I spent the better part of 17 hours on my feet Debating. I really didn't' eat, and I was just cranky on Saturday. I just ignored the crankiness and just brought it into the round to give my arguments an "edge". The crankiness didn't really leave. I'd just thought that I would "wait it out" by staying awake Saturday night/Sunday morning. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours and finally ate something at 12. I went back to bed right after that and then my cell phone woke me up and alerted me to a new text message:"It feels like we aren't' dating". When I seen this text, I literally had a heart attack. (No I'm not joking, I did almost have a heart attack. You can get those things from shock!). I didn't go back to sleep after that. So I sat up, grabbed my phone and thought out my response. "Well, I could just say "Screw you and end this now, then when they need me the most, I'll drop them like an apple from a tree. That is harsh though, what if someone did that to me?" A little while later, I came up with "Oh, well, you know that I'm really Debate-centric right now. I haven't been this close to this kind of stage in my life." After that, I had to scramble to set up a "date" After dogging the question for a while, I had to settle on Saturday at the Highly Important Debate meet.
Now, you can't blame me for not trying, because I did try my heart out for the 3 weeks. First weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend, want to hang out?" "No, its ok, I'm doing something". Second weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend too, I got 2 extra days off just in case" "We will see." (nothing happened). Last week: "Its my last free weekend this month, Do you want to do something?" "Oh, I have a family emergency" I gave them the benefit of the doubt ok? (Maybe something did happen. I don't know, I frankly don't want to know). If you read my blog a lot, then you would know that I was in this situation before.
I went to bed upset. Its hard to explain, but my chest felt like it was caving in. It always feels this way whenever I know when things are going wrong in life. I didn't dream about anything, and I really didn't get a good night of sleep. I didn't want to get up at 5:00 this morning; today was one of those days where you just want to stay in bed because dealing with the world "isn't' worth it". Classes went by fast today, but my anger grew fast when the day when by. I didn't want to talk with my friends at lunch. I almost yelled at one. "No one wants to hear about your God Damn Knee! I don't care! You'll know what real pain is when you know what I've been through". I'm glad that that I didn't say that. I was on edge all day and it sucked, I never want to feel this way again.
I finally made it home without getting into a verbal argument or melting down. Believe it or not, I didn't feel like getting on my computer! I decided to sit on the floor and just play my stereo. I just looked at my sealing and thought about all of the thoughts that I had. So after that I decided to write about my feelings.
So where did the name come from? Well, I need time to myself, and that is selfish; nothing wrong with that. But to me, I need to be selfish to get things done. Like I said earlier, I need to have time to myself because my personal success relies on it. I said to them on the first day: "We have to take this slow and you are going to have to be prepared to wait for me. This is a really stressful part of the year, and I got to do what I got to do."
I'm going to stop here. I really don't know what to say. I might write more tomorrow, so stay tuned...
I was sleeping yesterday because I spent the better part of 17 hours on my feet Debating. I really didn't' eat, and I was just cranky on Saturday. I just ignored the crankiness and just brought it into the round to give my arguments an "edge". The crankiness didn't really leave. I'd just thought that I would "wait it out" by staying awake Saturday night/Sunday morning. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours and finally ate something at 12. I went back to bed right after that and then my cell phone woke me up and alerted me to a new text message:"It feels like we aren't' dating". When I seen this text, I literally had a heart attack. (No I'm not joking, I did almost have a heart attack. You can get those things from shock!). I didn't go back to sleep after that. So I sat up, grabbed my phone and thought out my response. "Well, I could just say "Screw you and end this now, then when they need me the most, I'll drop them like an apple from a tree. That is harsh though, what if someone did that to me?" A little while later, I came up with "Oh, well, you know that I'm really Debate-centric right now. I haven't been this close to this kind of stage in my life." After that, I had to scramble to set up a "date" After dogging the question for a while, I had to settle on Saturday at the Highly Important Debate meet.
Now, you can't blame me for not trying, because I did try my heart out for the 3 weeks. First weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend, want to hang out?" "No, its ok, I'm doing something". Second weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend too, I got 2 extra days off just in case" "We will see." (nothing happened). Last week: "Its my last free weekend this month, Do you want to do something?" "Oh, I have a family emergency" I gave them the benefit of the doubt ok? (Maybe something did happen. I don't know, I frankly don't want to know). If you read my blog a lot, then you would know that I was in this situation before.
I went to bed upset. Its hard to explain, but my chest felt like it was caving in. It always feels this way whenever I know when things are going wrong in life. I didn't dream about anything, and I really didn't get a good night of sleep. I didn't want to get up at 5:00 this morning; today was one of those days where you just want to stay in bed because dealing with the world "isn't' worth it". Classes went by fast today, but my anger grew fast when the day when by. I didn't want to talk with my friends at lunch. I almost yelled at one. "No one wants to hear about your God Damn Knee! I don't care! You'll know what real pain is when you know what I've been through". I'm glad that that I didn't say that. I was on edge all day and it sucked, I never want to feel this way again.
I finally made it home without getting into a verbal argument or melting down. Believe it or not, I didn't feel like getting on my computer! I decided to sit on the floor and just play my stereo. I just looked at my sealing and thought about all of the thoughts that I had. So after that I decided to write about my feelings.
So where did the name come from? Well, I need time to myself, and that is selfish; nothing wrong with that. But to me, I need to be selfish to get things done. Like I said earlier, I need to have time to myself because my personal success relies on it. I said to them on the first day: "We have to take this slow and you are going to have to be prepared to wait for me. This is a really stressful part of the year, and I got to do what I got to do."
I'm going to stop here. I really don't know what to say. I might write more tomorrow, so stay tuned...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
The fish aren't biting.
Life is kind of like my aching shoulder right now; I can bear it, but its just getting kind of old and I need to do something for it to get better. Unlike my aching shoulder, I just can't put ointment on it and wish it away. Lately, I've been getting concerned because I have no date for the uber important dance next Saturday and It made me think about all the reasons why I have no date and how I haven't had a date in about 4 years and how I can't handle it. I know for a fact that I"m not like this all the time, I even said so. I only get like this because no one wants to be around me.
Come on, I'm not like other people. I get it, everyone else might not get it but even though they might not get it, they know for a fact that this is the reason why I'm not getting anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling left out because I don't want to drop my standards to the level of everyone else just so I can have a date. I understand pretty well that I "might have my standards set too high" but I know that that isn't true. If I had my standards set to high, then I wouldn't have gotten a date 4 years ago. I haven't changed my standards since then and I don't think that I will now.
Sometimes, I don't think that I even what to try looking for an significant other because I kind of know that it is always going to turn into one of those "No" or "No, let's just be friends". I always kid around and say that I'm going to be a "hopeless romantic starving artist" one day, but every day passes by, the more that I think it is true. Maybe some people go after that "hopeless romantic starving artist" type of person, but the bead deal is that I haven't found someone who likes it.
I'm not boring, but I don't party. I don't drink, and I do keep up my grades. That to regular people is boring. I just hope that I can find one person who gets me. Because I have no idea what to do now. And that's what I always get.
If I hear the quote "there is always more fish in the sea", I'm honestly going to say "the fish in my sea aren't biting."
Come on, I'm not like other people. I get it, everyone else might not get it but even though they might not get it, they know for a fact that this is the reason why I'm not getting anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling left out because I don't want to drop my standards to the level of everyone else just so I can have a date. I understand pretty well that I "might have my standards set too high" but I know that that isn't true. If I had my standards set to high, then I wouldn't have gotten a date 4 years ago. I haven't changed my standards since then and I don't think that I will now.
Sometimes, I don't think that I even what to try looking for an significant other because I kind of know that it is always going to turn into one of those "No" or "No, let's just be friends". I always kid around and say that I'm going to be a "hopeless romantic starving artist" one day, but every day passes by, the more that I think it is true. Maybe some people go after that "hopeless romantic starving artist" type of person, but the bead deal is that I haven't found someone who likes it.
I'm not boring, but I don't party. I don't drink, and I do keep up my grades. That to regular people is boring. I just hope that I can find one person who gets me. Because I have no idea what to do now. And that's what I always get.
If I hear the quote "there is always more fish in the sea", I'm honestly going to say "the fish in my sea aren't biting."
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