Not again...

I'm doing something new; I decided to write during the after effects of an argument. Right now, I'm shaking and I can't really think straight, but I do have enough focus to write about the things that are making me mad.

OK, let me set the scene; I'm driving in the car with my Mom. I ask her a question on what to do at stop signs, she takes it the wrong way. We drive around for 8 more minutes and then I take out the tape recorder on my phone and record the rest of the conversation. We return home, and then after a 15 minute break I'm replaying the conversation and I'm writing down some of the key events on the tape. When I'm done, I ask my mom if she wants to talk about what happened. She said yes, and then I asked her 3 questions. She clearly wasn't understanding what I was asking so I got more frustrated than normal and I threw my hands down and hit the couch cushion (I was sitting on the couch) and then proceed to hit myself on the forehead with my palm (It didn't hurt that bad). Although I didn't want to say that “everything is always my fault” but I did because she really wasn't listening to anything else that I was saying at that point. Then I told my mom that I needed some space in my room and I slammed the door because she was trying to trying to get in. When I slammed the door for one last time, she entered and I told her to get out, and she didn't. She was yelling at me to “give her a hug” but I told her no 3 times. She clearly wasn't listening. Then I finally told her to leave, and I don't know where she is right now. That is how my day went from great to awful in about 2 hours.

This Saturday, I played in a very successful showcase in front of 700 or so people. I was happy. That whole week, I played guitar, met new people and had fun. I was happy the whole week. I was happy even though my band mate called me “a cold heartless person” and although it made me angry, I kept being happy all week. People wanted to listen to what I said. They wanted to hear my Debate stories, they wanted to hear my jokes, they wanted to hear my guitar playing. They wanted to know me better, and they did. I seen old friends that I haven’t seen in a year or so and they haven't changed. They all know about what's going on, and even if I didn't tell them, they will find out sooner or later, and I know that they wouldn't leave me in this title wave called life.

It's sad because my family isn't like this. I feel like my parents don't want to listen to what I have to say. I feel like they don't care about how hard my life is. I feel like they don't care about me. I wasn’t to talk to them, but I just don't. I haven't talked to my Dad in 3 months. I still haven't given him that letter. When I told my Mom about my intention on giving my Dad that letter, she told me “to not do it” because if I did “then you wouldn't see your friends next week” (aka that whole last paragraph). Now, I feel like that I'm never going to talk to my Mom with some sense of normalcy.

When I was in my room sitting on the floor I told myself that I could just give up now and not worry about dealing with my damn parents ever again. For a while I thought about really beating myself up because I was so angry, but again, just like the time I tried to kill myself, I stopped and the same saying popped back into my head “You can't leave now, You are doing it for them remember?” I then realized that it was a true statement.

I always make promises to people, or that what it is in a nutshell. Let me explain, Last week, my guitar instructor told me that I would be on the cover of Guitar Player magazine one day, and that I would also be the next “big” guitarist. Now what if I end up dying before I could reach any one of these goals? It isn't like I can't reach these goals, they aren't that difficult for me to do (yes, I am that good at guitar) but I just have to make it for just a couple of more days, but I feel like a week goes by so slow now. Yes, I'm afraid like heck, and I'm not quite sure if I could make it or not, but like I always say, something is keeping me here.

I calmed down now, but I'm starting to get very anxious because I don't know what I'm going to do about my family. This week isn't looking very good. Hopefully, I can find something to look forward to.

Yes, I'm selfish.

It's been 23 days in and things are starting to get rough. Right now, I'm super occupied with the things that I have to do academically. Basically, I'm doing what I can now, to set myself up for success later. If you visit my blog often, you will understand that I'm a Debate geek. I'm putting my face out there this year, and I have a serious shot of making it to the National and State compilation that every Debater hopes and dreams for. I'm in a pretty good spot right now too. Either way, I should be quite happy that I'm this far, but I'm not.

I was sleeping yesterday because I spent the better part of 17 hours on my feet Debating. I really didn't' eat, and I was just cranky on Saturday. I just ignored the crankiness and just brought it into the round to give my arguments an "edge". The crankiness didn't really leave. I'd just thought that I would "wait it out" by staying awake Saturday night/Sunday morning. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours and finally ate something at 12. I went back to bed right after that and then my cell phone woke me up and alerted me to a new text message:"It feels like we aren't' dating". When I seen this text, I literally had a heart attack. (No I'm not joking, I did almost have a heart attack. You can get those things from shock!). I didn't go back to sleep after that. So I sat up, grabbed my phone and thought out my response. "Well, I could just say "Screw you and end this now, then when they need me the most, I'll drop them like an apple from a tree. That is harsh though, what if someone did that to me?" A little while later, I came up with "Oh, well, you know that I'm really Debate-centric right now. I haven't been this close to this kind of stage in my life." After that, I had to scramble to set up a "date" After dogging the question for a while, I had to settle on Saturday at the Highly Important Debate meet.

Now, you can't blame me for not trying, because I did try my heart out for the 3 weeks. First weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend, want to hang out?" "No, its ok, I'm doing something". Second weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend too, I got 2 extra days off just in case" "We will see." (nothing happened). Last week: "Its my last free weekend this month, Do you want to do something?" "Oh, I have a family emergency" I gave them the benefit of the doubt ok? (Maybe something did happen. I don't know, I frankly don't want to know). If you read my blog a lot, then you would know that I was in this situation before.

I went to bed upset. Its hard to explain, but my chest felt like it was caving in. It always feels this way whenever I know when things are going wrong in life. I didn't dream about anything, and I really didn't get a good night of sleep. I didn't want to get up at 5:00 this morning; today was one of those days where you just want to stay in bed because dealing with the world "isn't' worth it". Classes went by fast today, but my anger grew fast when the day when by. I didn't want to talk with my friends at lunch. I almost yelled at one. "No one wants to hear about your God Damn Knee! I don't care! You'll know what real pain is when you know what I've been through". I'm glad that that I didn't say that. I was on edge all day and it sucked, I never want to feel this way again. 

I finally made it home without getting into a verbal argument or melting down. Believe it or not, I didn't feel like getting on my computer! I decided to sit on the floor and just play my stereo. I just looked at my sealing and thought about all of the thoughts that I had. So after that I decided to write about my feelings.

So where did the name come from? Well, I need time to myself, and that is selfish; nothing wrong with that. But to me, I need to be selfish to get things done. Like I said earlier, I need to have time to myself because my personal success relies on it. I said to them on the first day: "We have to take this slow and you are going to have to be prepared to wait for me. This is a really stressful part of the year, and I got to do what I got to do."

I'm going to stop here. I really don't know what to say. I might write more tomorrow, so stay tuned...

All due respect.

I lost a debate today, but that doesn't really matter to me. It doesn't really matter to me if I win or not now, the thing that really matters is trying to get the reward that I deserve from all the work I put in. This is really making me mad, so I'll do a good job explaining.

Now debate, is something close to my heart. I've been sacrificing every weekend for the past 3 years towards the betterment of my debate career. If that doesn't sound like a lot, then something must not be connecting. I've missed weekends of music, painting, hanging out with friends, and just enjoying myself. I miss just sleeping on weekends and just not having to worry about anything. I think that somewhere in this "haze" I forgot about what really mattered to me, I couldn't tell because I was so infused with just being "better" and doing "better" than I did last time. I feel like sometimes, I can't get back into being a "normal" person with "normal" things to do. Recently, I've been feeling as if my efforts are not worth doing in the first place. That was one of the major issues with today.

I wasn't having a good day anyway (getting up at 5:30 doesn't help any). First round was delayed by 2 hours, people were getting on my nerves, people wanted to play the "blame game" all day long. People just flat out sucked today, and I never think that negative. When I think negative sometimes, then I think about things that I would otherwise "block" out of my head. Unfortunately today, I had to think about how sucky of a job that our coaches are doing to help us WIN something. I don't really get mad at people at all, but when people talk to me like I'm stupid, then we are going to have issues.

This really started last year when I lost the bid for team captain. I really wanted to be captain, and I did what I could to say "Hey, I'm going to be the best darn captain ever". When the flawed voting system didn't work out for me, I got sad. If that wasn't enough, I found out the the kid who used to make fun of me 2 or 3 years before made captain, then I really got pissed off. They announced who wast to be the captains at a team party, and I ended up leaving not even 5 minutes after. That next Monday, they are blaming me for not "Taking the loss in stride" and not "being a good role model". I got hashed because "everything is my fault". I had to tune it out and hope for the best next season.

Next season comes around, I doubted that I would win one round out of three, but when I started to go 2-3 and had the high speaker points, I had hope for myself. In the first 2 months of debating, I got 66 or so points; a nice pace for someone who only had 200 or so over 2 years of debating. I'm progressing, and that is a good thing. The better thing is that I'm only 4 or so points off from getting into finals. But that doesn't matter to the "Captains" because they always break no mater the cost of the team, or even the cost of the other debaters. I wouldn't do that. Never will. When I see these liars get into finals without working working for it honestly like I do.

When I left the meet tonight, I wasn't acting "stressed out and angry towards others because I have a lot on my mind" like our coach said, but I was acting the way that I was because "I'm sick and tired of not getting the respect that I deserve from everyone". Hell, if I can give other people respect, why can't they do the same to me?

I've gotten used to being the "odd one out" on the team and I don't care about that anymore, I think I care more about the simple things, respect, hard work and truthfulness. If we could have these things on the team, then I wouldn't be half as mad as I am now.

I don't think that I'm going to talk to the head coaches by myself this time because the last time I did that, nothing happened. I want something to happen this time, not that mess I had the last time around. I just wish that I had the people who could help me out sometimes, but they always have to be 500 miles away.

Stuff that makes me angry.

I'm kind of angry right now, and I don't really get as angry as much as I used to and that's great. That doesn't really matter now because I'm mad right now and I need to vent before I go to bed unhappy and have a really bad nightmare about slowly going blind and getting hit by a car while running to the hospital. So I'm going to write a list of some things that make me angry, and some of my pet peeves.


Things that make me angry

• Being angry.
• Being sad.
• Being depressed (I'm not right now).
• When people have the wrong first impression of me.
• People who are rude, selfish, dishonest, liars, and people who are just lame.
• Nazis.
• Homophobes.
• Misuse of the English Language (ie, bad grammar, bad spelling, usage of numbers in place of letters).
• Bad endings in great novels, like in 1984. Great book, but what was that ending all about?
• Getting cheated out of something that I deserved (do I need to bring up this terrible, terrible incident?)
• People who flat out ask if I'm a guy. (This is so rude)
• Not being able to talk to my friends.
• When my "friends" don't talk to me.
• When people rant about their Boyfriends/Gilrfriends
• Being Lonely.
• Doing math for long periods of time.
• Not landing a "Fancy Pants" skateboarding trick.
• Doing homework
• Philosophy essays at 2 in the morning.
• Getting up at 5 o'clock for a debate meet.
• Getting up home at 11 in the night from a debate meet.
• MTV and Fuse (yuck)
• Writing blog post late at night.

Well, I'm feeling better now. I guess I have to make a list of all of the things that make me happy.