I thought I wouldn't last a week, but here I am, 31 days later and everything is going ok. Well, at least better than I thought it would be. I think things are going well, but nothing has really changed. The date last week didn't happen, I didn't get the national slot, I didn't watch SNL this weekend, life goes on. Class has been canceled for the past 2 days due to closed weather, so I'm kind of waiting for something to happen. So I thought that I would blog about not being clingy.
I've been called "clingy" in every relationship I've been in, but I haven't been called clingy in this relationship. I have a vague definition of "clingyness" but this is taken from compiled data from the vast series of tubes called the internet. No matter where I look, I always find these 5 things in common.
You always call first.
You don't have a life outside the relationship.
You are insecure.
You are lonely
You Panic too much.
I'm going to disprove all of these things in the analytical way that I always do things.
"You always call first"
First of all I don't call people (yeah, sorry. I'm trying to lighten the mood). But I do get into the habit of texting "Good morning" at 6:30 when I leave for the day, and I always text "Good Night" before I go to bed. From my point of view, it is the right thing to do. If someone finds that annoying, I beg to differ. People like that kind of stuff, its common courtesy. In my book, texting "good day" is like holding the door open for someone you don't know. It is the little things that people don't think about too often, but when they do they really appreciate them.
"You don't have a life outside the relationship"
Again, this is not true. Have you read my debate blogging? I have a life, even though my Significant other doesn't agree with me. I'm always doing something throughout the months. Its debate season right now, but even that is starting to slow down a bit. Volunteer season is coming up soon, and if I make some money in the next couple of months I'll be recording the songs I wrote with a crapy tape deck. Yeah, I think that I have a life outside this relationship. I just think that it would brighten up my day a little if I seen them.
"You are insecure"
I don't think I'm insecure, but I'll address this anyway. Insecurity is when you don't really know what you want, or how you are going to get what you want. I'm like this sometimes, but it is always when I'm panicking. I might be one of those people who have a strong will to do something, but is afraid to do it because I'm too indifferent to my feelings. Again, I don't really know (heck, I really might be indifferent!)
"You are Lonely"
I get lonely sometimes, I'm not going to deny that. I know why I'm lonely though. Its because people "Talk and ditch" or in other words, people will talk to me for a while, but then I don't know what happens after the fact. I have friends and all of that, but I just want to hear from them some times. I haven't seen most of my friends in 4 years, and you don't know how upsetting that is. I feel like I can't talk to people about how I feel and when I do get the opportunity chance it just goes away, like the smoke from a blown out candle.
"You panic too much"
This is true. Sometimes I freak out if something isn't going as planned or if I miss a deadline or something like that. I feel like I should carry around a paper bag and start to breathe into it if I get to "panic prone". Remember that one time when I was talking about "stress related heart attacks?" I think I might get one soon.
Frankly, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if "clingy is a virtue" or if I'm crazier than a sandwich with cling wrap on it. I'm going to explain my day with metaphors so stick around and catch the goodness.
Showing posts with label more later. Show all posts
Showing posts with label more later. Show all posts
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Yes, I'm selfish.
It's been 23 days in and things are starting to get rough. Right now, I'm super occupied with the things that I have to do academically. Basically, I'm doing what I can now, to set myself up for success later. If you visit my blog often, you will understand that I'm a Debate geek. I'm putting my face out there this year, and I have a serious shot of making it to the National and State compilation that every Debater hopes and dreams for. I'm in a pretty good spot right now too. Either way, I should be quite happy that I'm this far, but I'm not.
I was sleeping yesterday because I spent the better part of 17 hours on my feet Debating. I really didn't' eat, and I was just cranky on Saturday. I just ignored the crankiness and just brought it into the round to give my arguments an "edge". The crankiness didn't really leave. I'd just thought that I would "wait it out" by staying awake Saturday night/Sunday morning. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours and finally ate something at 12. I went back to bed right after that and then my cell phone woke me up and alerted me to a new text message:"It feels like we aren't' dating". When I seen this text, I literally had a heart attack. (No I'm not joking, I did almost have a heart attack. You can get those things from shock!). I didn't go back to sleep after that. So I sat up, grabbed my phone and thought out my response. "Well, I could just say "Screw you and end this now, then when they need me the most, I'll drop them like an apple from a tree. That is harsh though, what if someone did that to me?" A little while later, I came up with "Oh, well, you know that I'm really Debate-centric right now. I haven't been this close to this kind of stage in my life." After that, I had to scramble to set up a "date" After dogging the question for a while, I had to settle on Saturday at the Highly Important Debate meet.
Now, you can't blame me for not trying, because I did try my heart out for the 3 weeks. First weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend, want to hang out?" "No, its ok, I'm doing something". Second weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend too, I got 2 extra days off just in case" "We will see." (nothing happened). Last week: "Its my last free weekend this month, Do you want to do something?" "Oh, I have a family emergency" I gave them the benefit of the doubt ok? (Maybe something did happen. I don't know, I frankly don't want to know). If you read my blog a lot, then you would know that I was in this situation before.
I went to bed upset. Its hard to explain, but my chest felt like it was caving in. It always feels this way whenever I know when things are going wrong in life. I didn't dream about anything, and I really didn't get a good night of sleep. I didn't want to get up at 5:00 this morning; today was one of those days where you just want to stay in bed because dealing with the world "isn't' worth it". Classes went by fast today, but my anger grew fast when the day when by. I didn't want to talk with my friends at lunch. I almost yelled at one. "No one wants to hear about your God Damn Knee! I don't care! You'll know what real pain is when you know what I've been through". I'm glad that that I didn't say that. I was on edge all day and it sucked, I never want to feel this way again.
I finally made it home without getting into a verbal argument or melting down. Believe it or not, I didn't feel like getting on my computer! I decided to sit on the floor and just play my stereo. I just looked at my sealing and thought about all of the thoughts that I had. So after that I decided to write about my feelings.
So where did the name come from? Well, I need time to myself, and that is selfish; nothing wrong with that. But to me, I need to be selfish to get things done. Like I said earlier, I need to have time to myself because my personal success relies on it. I said to them on the first day: "We have to take this slow and you are going to have to be prepared to wait for me. This is a really stressful part of the year, and I got to do what I got to do."
I'm going to stop here. I really don't know what to say. I might write more tomorrow, so stay tuned...
I was sleeping yesterday because I spent the better part of 17 hours on my feet Debating. I really didn't' eat, and I was just cranky on Saturday. I just ignored the crankiness and just brought it into the round to give my arguments an "edge". The crankiness didn't really leave. I'd just thought that I would "wait it out" by staying awake Saturday night/Sunday morning. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours and finally ate something at 12. I went back to bed right after that and then my cell phone woke me up and alerted me to a new text message:"It feels like we aren't' dating". When I seen this text, I literally had a heart attack. (No I'm not joking, I did almost have a heart attack. You can get those things from shock!). I didn't go back to sleep after that. So I sat up, grabbed my phone and thought out my response. "Well, I could just say "Screw you and end this now, then when they need me the most, I'll drop them like an apple from a tree. That is harsh though, what if someone did that to me?" A little while later, I came up with "Oh, well, you know that I'm really Debate-centric right now. I haven't been this close to this kind of stage in my life." After that, I had to scramble to set up a "date" After dogging the question for a while, I had to settle on Saturday at the Highly Important Debate meet.
Now, you can't blame me for not trying, because I did try my heart out for the 3 weeks. First weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend, want to hang out?" "No, its ok, I'm doing something". Second weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend too, I got 2 extra days off just in case" "We will see." (nothing happened). Last week: "Its my last free weekend this month, Do you want to do something?" "Oh, I have a family emergency" I gave them the benefit of the doubt ok? (Maybe something did happen. I don't know, I frankly don't want to know). If you read my blog a lot, then you would know that I was in this situation before.
I went to bed upset. Its hard to explain, but my chest felt like it was caving in. It always feels this way whenever I know when things are going wrong in life. I didn't dream about anything, and I really didn't get a good night of sleep. I didn't want to get up at 5:00 this morning; today was one of those days where you just want to stay in bed because dealing with the world "isn't' worth it". Classes went by fast today, but my anger grew fast when the day when by. I didn't want to talk with my friends at lunch. I almost yelled at one. "No one wants to hear about your God Damn Knee! I don't care! You'll know what real pain is when you know what I've been through". I'm glad that that I didn't say that. I was on edge all day and it sucked, I never want to feel this way again.
I finally made it home without getting into a verbal argument or melting down. Believe it or not, I didn't feel like getting on my computer! I decided to sit on the floor and just play my stereo. I just looked at my sealing and thought about all of the thoughts that I had. So after that I decided to write about my feelings.
So where did the name come from? Well, I need time to myself, and that is selfish; nothing wrong with that. But to me, I need to be selfish to get things done. Like I said earlier, I need to have time to myself because my personal success relies on it. I said to them on the first day: "We have to take this slow and you are going to have to be prepared to wait for me. This is a really stressful part of the year, and I got to do what I got to do."
I'm going to stop here. I really don't know what to say. I might write more tomorrow, so stay tuned...
Monday, September 27, 2010
Dogeball.
Today was the first day of spirit week, so I played dogeball with my two clubs, Speech and Debate and Link Crew. I chose link crew because I'm still kind of mad about their "yuppyness" but despite that, I still played with my friends and kicked some serious ass. I was so good, I fell down on my knee, balanced the dogeball in my hand and threw it before I fell down and still got the person out. Yes, I'm a beast at dogeball, but I still hate every other sport that I'm not good at.
I said on facebook that "Dodgeball was invented so that angry children could attack their oppressors." That is true. Although I really dont care about who is "in" and who is "out" I still killed everyone regardless of their social standing on the ladder. If you are doing anything with speech and debate, make sure that you have some time to wait because we do everything with that darn bracket system or in other words, if you are out you go against someone who was out, regardless if they are good or not. I just so happened to be the last person on the last team that we had and I caught the ball and ended up wining for our whole team. However, this didn't mean anything because we were out the next round.
I hate the rules of dogeball sometimes because you can be counted "off sides" or you cross the "blue line" or even catch the ball and still be considered out. I got called out 8 times and I didn't even feel like getting out because I knew in my mind that I wasn't out. Still though, they ended up making us loose because I got out. No I'm not an ego person, but I do feel pretty confident in my dogeball wining abilities.
Yeah, so I'm beat up pretty bad, but at the end of the day, my Advil will make me feel better (hopefully). I'm getting home late tomorrow too because I have some debate judging to do. Whatever, I should be ok.
I said on facebook that "Dodgeball was invented so that angry children could attack their oppressors." That is true. Although I really dont care about who is "in" and who is "out" I still killed everyone regardless of their social standing on the ladder. If you are doing anything with speech and debate, make sure that you have some time to wait because we do everything with that darn bracket system or in other words, if you are out you go against someone who was out, regardless if they are good or not. I just so happened to be the last person on the last team that we had and I caught the ball and ended up wining for our whole team. However, this didn't mean anything because we were out the next round.
I hate the rules of dogeball sometimes because you can be counted "off sides" or you cross the "blue line" or even catch the ball and still be considered out. I got called out 8 times and I didn't even feel like getting out because I knew in my mind that I wasn't out. Still though, they ended up making us loose because I got out. No I'm not an ego person, but I do feel pretty confident in my dogeball wining abilities.
Yeah, so I'm beat up pretty bad, but at the end of the day, my Advil will make me feel better (hopefully). I'm getting home late tomorrow too because I have some debate judging to do. Whatever, I should be ok.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Late nights and deep thoughts.
It's late again and I have nothing else to do than blog about all the stuff I have to deal with and listen to the first half of my Cocteau Twins Box set (you should check this out sometime. Very relaxing). So if you read my blog a lot you might know that I'm very stressed over tiny little stuff and that my neck/shoulder have been in pain for the past 3 weeks. Not too bad right? (heavy dose of sarcasm sorry). I think it just is exhaustion getting to me, but I can tell that I'm not too pleased with what I'm turning into right now.
No, I'm not in that depressed streak that I was in a couple of years ago, I'm just something different now. Most of its good, For example, I'm getting better at being me. Some of its bad though, I'm getting concerned with "being me", or in other words, I'm getting kind of worried about "being me" and how I compare to my friends that I haven't seen in about 4 or so years. If you don't know me that well, you should know that I care a bunch about everyone in my life that has done something, or been there for me when I needed it the most. It feels like I owe all of these people something, and I'm starting to play the "blame game" and I'm blaming myself for not keeping the relationships that I had.
Now, its hard for me to have friends, dates, whatever you want to call them, and keep them in my life for years or for even months. Growing up, I've went to 3 elementary schools, 2 middle schools and one high school. This made me the way I am now I guess. It was hard making friends and keeping friends when I was a kid because I didn't know how long they or myself were going to be there, so instead I went into the one thing that was constant in my life, schoolwork. I've always been smart, so it wasn't that hard to keep up my grades in school, but like always, I always overdid it and it just didn't seem fun anymore. This was at its highest point in middle school when I really started to do too much work instead of too much hanging out with friends. This lead to my 3 year depression and all of that wonderful stuff, and I frankly didn't care about anything or anyone for that matter. Then I couldn't handle people or anyone for that matter, then my grades started to slip from A's to B's to C's then D's. Then I switched schools, didn't talk to my good friends, and then started at my 4th new school. Life went on. Things got harder, I started to care less. Then one day I woke up and seen the bright light of reality, and climbed out of my hole of depression and got back where I never been before.
I realized that I've never had a real date while I was writing in my journal lying on my bed with my plaid pajama pants and my speech and debate hoodie on. Yeah, I didn't care at one time but, now I'm really starting to think "why the hell didn't I have a serious relationship with someone?". I have gotten to bond with people quite often, but before I hear the words "Do you want to go out with me?" I always get the cruel, cruel words "I'm sorry, but I think that we would just be better off if we were just to stay friends." When I hear this, no matter who says it, or even if its not in my conversation, I just want to kick the bastard who uttered those words in the mouth and tell them what it means to me. I'm guess I'm doing that with you right now, just that you are not a bastard and I'm not mad at you.
I lost hope, to a point because I'm starting to think that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to see my best friends getting married and I'm the only single one there. If that was to happen then I'm probably am going to get drunk out of my mind, drive home, and then write in my journal about how I feel inside.
I'm glad that I can share my feelings with all of you guys, but I'm sorry again that I've been kind of "gloomy" the past couple of days, but I'm not going to write a happy post when I'm feeling bad inside. That just doesn't work. I write how I feel, and I'm not going to give that up for anything or anyone. It might not be late anymore, but those "late night feelings" are going to stay with me for the rest of the day today.
No, I'm not in that depressed streak that I was in a couple of years ago, I'm just something different now. Most of its good, For example, I'm getting better at being me. Some of its bad though, I'm getting concerned with "being me", or in other words, I'm getting kind of worried about "being me" and how I compare to my friends that I haven't seen in about 4 or so years. If you don't know me that well, you should know that I care a bunch about everyone in my life that has done something, or been there for me when I needed it the most. It feels like I owe all of these people something, and I'm starting to play the "blame game" and I'm blaming myself for not keeping the relationships that I had.
Now, its hard for me to have friends, dates, whatever you want to call them, and keep them in my life for years or for even months. Growing up, I've went to 3 elementary schools, 2 middle schools and one high school. This made me the way I am now I guess. It was hard making friends and keeping friends when I was a kid because I didn't know how long they or myself were going to be there, so instead I went into the one thing that was constant in my life, schoolwork. I've always been smart, so it wasn't that hard to keep up my grades in school, but like always, I always overdid it and it just didn't seem fun anymore. This was at its highest point in middle school when I really started to do too much work instead of too much hanging out with friends. This lead to my 3 year depression and all of that wonderful stuff, and I frankly didn't care about anything or anyone for that matter. Then I couldn't handle people or anyone for that matter, then my grades started to slip from A's to B's to C's then D's. Then I switched schools, didn't talk to my good friends, and then started at my 4th new school. Life went on. Things got harder, I started to care less. Then one day I woke up and seen the bright light of reality, and climbed out of my hole of depression and got back where I never been before.
I realized that I've never had a real date while I was writing in my journal lying on my bed with my plaid pajama pants and my speech and debate hoodie on. Yeah, I didn't care at one time but, now I'm really starting to think "why the hell didn't I have a serious relationship with someone?". I have gotten to bond with people quite often, but before I hear the words "Do you want to go out with me?" I always get the cruel, cruel words "I'm sorry, but I think that we would just be better off if we were just to stay friends." When I hear this, no matter who says it, or even if its not in my conversation, I just want to kick the bastard who uttered those words in the mouth and tell them what it means to me. I'm guess I'm doing that with you right now, just that you are not a bastard and I'm not mad at you.
I lost hope, to a point because I'm starting to think that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to see my best friends getting married and I'm the only single one there. If that was to happen then I'm probably am going to get drunk out of my mind, drive home, and then write in my journal about how I feel inside.
I'm glad that I can share my feelings with all of you guys, but I'm sorry again that I've been kind of "gloomy" the past couple of days, but I'm not going to write a happy post when I'm feeling bad inside. That just doesn't work. I write how I feel, and I'm not going to give that up for anything or anyone. It might not be late anymore, but those "late night feelings" are going to stay with me for the rest of the day today.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Happy Paradox
I'm feeling good right now, but at the same time, I'm feeling somewhat lonely. No, I don't' think that school is doing it, because I'm having a really good time (as of today...). I call this the "happy paradox" because I really don't know what I'm feeling right now, and I might as well embrace the paradox.
I'm just going to say it, I really do miss all of my friends and I need someone to talk to. I just can't talk to people who really don't' care about my life and everything that I've been through. So therefore I, just want someone to care right now.
Here is the thing though, I'm kind of nervous to talk to my friends. I just don't want to say "Whats up?" when we haven't seen my friends for like, 4 years. That's just odd. I'm not really a fan of this "Digital Age" because I'm really about to take out my pen and stationary and write my friends a good old fashioned letter. But why write a letter when everyone has text messaging and Facebook? Yeah, I tried and I counted the 6 failed attempts of trying to gather my friends over the summer, and I spent it all alone with my summer homework, Albums and my guitar.
I'm not in that "writers" mood right now because this new 6 hours of sleep thing isn't really for me yet. I'm going to cut it off here and (try) to finish this up when I get home tomorrow.
I'm just going to say it, I really do miss all of my friends and I need someone to talk to. I just can't talk to people who really don't' care about my life and everything that I've been through. So therefore I, just want someone to care right now.
Here is the thing though, I'm kind of nervous to talk to my friends. I just don't want to say "Whats up?" when we haven't seen my friends for like, 4 years. That's just odd. I'm not really a fan of this "Digital Age" because I'm really about to take out my pen and stationary and write my friends a good old fashioned letter. But why write a letter when everyone has text messaging and Facebook? Yeah, I tried and I counted the 6 failed attempts of trying to gather my friends over the summer, and I spent it all alone with my summer homework, Albums and my guitar.
I'm not in that "writers" mood right now because this new 6 hours of sleep thing isn't really for me yet. I'm going to cut it off here and (try) to finish this up when I get home tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)