Not My Month

February hasn't been my month. So far, I had to survive a break up, endure valentines day alone, loose a friendship or two and adjust to single life. It hasn't been going too well. I keep saying to myself: "You can just text them your feelings, they know everything about relationships and I will feel better soon.". It isn't turning out that way though. If I wanted to do that, I would have to work out our friendship. I desperately want to, but I can't take that on right now. Everything just sucks. I think that if I attempted to say "Hello", I would probably would get my face punched in, or punch their face in. I just can't forget what how they treated me. I tried my ass off to get things done in that relationship and I didn't get anything in return. That isn't fair. I just can't come in a week or so later saying "Oh, I'm just going to forget how you treated me for those 43 days, I want to be your best friend again." That isn't going to happen, and it wont probably happen for a while.

My emotions have been all over the pace recently. Its been a great variety of angry, depressed, and just disappointed. I'm angry because I'm so stressed out and it feels like my life is spiraling out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm depressed because I can't talk to my friends or just anyone in general about whats going on in my life. And I'm disappointed because I'm putting my best effort into everything and my best effort isn't working. I get angry before anything. I admit it, I don't think things through sometimes, but I usually do.

Most of those times I choose to be angry. When I'm angry, I tend to punch things. Walls, pillows, doors, it doesn't matter. I punch with my right hand. Two or so weeks ago, I injured my hand pretty bad. I thought that I broke it, it was swollen, bruised and just painful. I didn't break it, but it sure felt like I did. I told the doctor that I dropped a 20 pound text book and my wist went the wrong way. I was punching a pillow yesterday while I was crying and I realized that I probably injured my wrist hitting something. It still isn't healed all of the way. I could probably benefit from some physical therapy, but I don't have any money for that right now.

I'm also trying to find a new Therapist. I thought it would be easy, but it is hard when you don't have a job that pays well (come on, I'm an artist for crying out loud! I "work" in the summer, I'm too busy with school to work) and when you can't open up to people (aka therapists) that well. So far I've burned though 5 therapists/psychologists/councilors in the past 4 years. It isn't cool when you go to a person asking for help, and you only go 3 times and leave because the price is too damn high. That really makes me frustrated. It feels like I need money to talk to people, and that I need money to get the help that I need.

It gets even worse because I can't even talk to my own friends. This is for a couple of reasons. First of all, most of them don't know that I've had fits of depression and bipolar disorder for the past 6 or so years. They don't know that I cry myself to sleep most nights because I'm so alone. They don't know that I haven't had a real conversation with a real friend since middle school. They don't know that I have to face the day every day with a "Smile on my face" because if I don't, I risk being singled out in my clubs and social endeavors. They don't know that I need them right now.

I know that things are going to get better sometimes. I wake up every morning saying "Today will be a good day. Nothing is going to stop me." but something always does. I thought today would be different than yesterday. I really thought that today would be the best day of the week. It wasn't. I could really go in depth with this, but when every day is the same, I really don't know when I things will get better. I'm not even sure if I have hope right now.

Crossroads.

Its one day after V-day and I really don't know how I feel about things right now. I made it through V-day sane, and ok, but I still don't really know what to do. Yesterday, I was on the right track "Hey, I'm single! I get to do whatever I want! I'm going to buy those 70 Dollar custom vans that I've been wanting." but I guess I'm going to wait for a while.

I just settled down for my afternoon nap this afternoon and then I get the dreaded "text from my ex". "I miss you". At that moment, I wondered what's next? So then I asked "Why". "Why are you miss me so much?". Not too long after that, I got this back "Well that thing you said on Facebook really made me sad". To be honest, I really don't know what is sad about this quote "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.". Seriously, I could be bitter over Facebook and say something like "I hope you fall off a cliff, you suck", but I took the moral high road this time around and decided not to be mad.

I didn't really feel like thinking at this time, but when I did I realized that this is a serious issue. Do I want to be friends with them again? Should I be friends with them again? Do I just forget about the things that they said and return back to normal life? I'm at a crossroads here. If I'm "friends" with them again, then we will most likely start dating again and then things are going to go back where I started.

Thinking things over would most likely be the best thing to do right now. Look, I don't want to be single right now, but I think that being single is the best option for me now. I do value this friendship, but I dont' want this failed relationship to ruin it. I have to tell them sometime, but it probably won't be this week.

Tied to the New Year.

I'm not single anymore. I didn't plan to start off the year in a relationship, but I guess the way that fate has had it this time. Hate to say it, but it feels kind of "weird" to be in a relationship again because I haven been in one for 3 whole years! I kind of forgot what to do, how things work and just what goes on.

Let me start, About 3 years ago, I met one of my good friends and not too long afterward, we started "Dating". I'd thought that we had good chemistry and all that, but like most relationships, it ended. Of coarse I took it badly, but I got over it sooner or later. When that was over, I didn't date for a while, I had crushes and things, but nothing serious. And then out of the blue while playing my first person shooter game, I get a text saying "do you want to go out?" and boy, I almost dropped my game controller! I must have been pretty happy because I totally kicked some tail earlier this day.

I'm kind of worried, because we have to keep this "underground" if you know what I mean. And to put the icing on the cake, I'm always doing something on the weekends, so I'm going to have to be somewhat innovative when it comes to dates. Hopefully, things will all fall in place in time. I'll do what I can, but fate is going to do what it has to too. I have high hopes this time around.

The fish aren't biting.

Life is kind of like my aching shoulder right now; I can bear it, but its just getting kind of old and I need to do something for it to get better.  Unlike my aching shoulder, I just can't put ointment on it and wish it away. Lately, I've been getting concerned because I have no date for the uber important dance next Saturday and It made me think about all the reasons why I have no date and how I haven't had a date in about 4 years and how I can't handle it. I know for a fact that I"m not like this all the time, I even said so. I only get like this because no one wants to be around me.

Come on, I'm not like other people. I get it, everyone else might not get it but even though they might not get it, they know for a fact that this is the reason why I'm not getting anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling left out because I don't want to drop my standards to the level of everyone else just so I can have a date. I understand pretty well that I "might have my standards set too high" but I know that that isn't true. If I had my standards set to high, then I wouldn't have gotten a date 4 years ago. I haven't changed my standards since then and I don't think that I will now.

Sometimes, I don't think that I even what to try looking for an significant other because I kind of know that it is always going to turn into one of those "No" or "No, let's just be friends".  I always kid around and say that I'm going to be a "hopeless romantic starving artist" one day, but every day passes by, the more that I think it is true.  Maybe some people go after that "hopeless romantic starving artist" type of person, but the bead deal is that I haven't found someone who likes it.

I'm not boring, but I don't party. I don't drink, and I do keep up my grades. That to regular people is boring. I just hope that I can find one person who gets me. Because I have no idea what to do now. And that's what I always get.

If I hear the quote "there is always more fish in the sea", I'm honestly going to say "the fish in my sea aren't biting."