For the better part of the last two days, my back has been killing me! Its starting to get better though. Yesterday, I found these liquid muscle relaxers that I used to take when my wrist was hurting. I took them last night and when I woke up this morning, I really couldn't move around. So because I really couldn't move this morning, I thought "If I can't make it out of the bed because I'm so tired, I'm not going to work today. How am I going to lift book crates?" (yes, I lift book crates for 5 hours when I go to my job. If I'm not doing that, then I'm putting things on shelves). Yes, today was my day off.
My back has been hurting for the better part of 3 days. I think that I've pulled a muscle, and that might be the case. My whole back has this really bad bruse on it and I've trying to take it easy and relax, but that really didn't help. So, I found these muscle relaxers and I can finally sit down at my desk and type everything out. I didn't go to work yesterday, and that really made me angry beacause I wanted to lift book crates all day and take a 45 minute break. Overall, I was happy that I got the day off because I finally had the time to sit down and refine the raw thoghts that were in my head all day.
(Yes I'm writing this under the infulence of muscle relaxers. I don't know if my writing will be any diffrent, but it would be cool to see if it was.)
But before I get to the "raw thoughts" I first should say that I hate having days off. I always feel like I should be doing something and when I think about that I get kind of angry because I should be doing what I normally do. I really don't get injured in summer, so I really didn't know how to react to that yesterday. I guess it was kind of nice having a day off (and mostly to myself) because I got to look out the window and see the sun shine, and enjoy the air conditoning as much as I wanted. And I'm happy that I spend so much time by myself yesterday because the prefect theme for this blog post came out of my bordom.
Like every other day, I was checking my social networks (this time Facebook) and I was just looking at my news feed. I'm not really into Facebook like I once was, but it didn't hinder my thought. "You know what? I'm the ONLY one of my friends who is single, doesn't post pictures of partying, has less than 50 friends, and still looks like their 7th grade self. Whats wrong with me?"
Alright, I know that was just a thought and nothing is really wrong with me but the question is still valid. I guess I should say "Why am I not like these people?" or "Why are these people my friends in the first place? We aren't alike at ALL".
I guess I should tell you about my "Friends" on Facebook.Look, I don't add every single person I know on Facbook. I don't add my whole 3rd period French class, I don't add the whole Debate Team, I don't add random people that I don't know. However, I do add people who I know. I add my best friends from camp, my best friends that I lost when I transfered, and the people I eat lunch with everyday. So when you add that all up, I have the wopping total of 36 friends. No, they aren't all my "Friends". Out of that 36 people, about 5 or 6 are my "I would take a bullet if I had to so you could stay alive friends" and out of those 5 or 6, 2 or 3 are the "I would die for you if I had to" friends. Subtact 2 exes, and about 5 people who I don't really like, and there you go, that is my Facebook friend list.
I really don't know why I'm not "popular" online or in life for that matter. I always thought that I was an interesting person, and people would always like me for what was on the inside and not on the outside, but that doesn't seem to be true anymore. I can go days without hearing from people, or just anyone. I always thought that that was fine at first, but I didn't realize that whats on the inside doesn't matter that much to people. I feel like no one really wants to go that deep, but then again, I do realize that it is ok if people don't get that far. I'm used to it.
I feel like I finished this post, but the rest of my thoughts are starting to spill over into something else in itself. I'll be back later so I can finish it. I'm in a lot of pain right now anyway, so I'm going to take an Advil and go to bed.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Why I write
Its 11:11 right now, and I don't feel like sleeping, and I want to blog but I don't want to blog about something serious or about music (Well I do, but just not right now). I also don't feel like writing about love, life, or my friends, because I feel like I always write about that on my blog. So because of that, I guess I'm going to just write about writing.
I've always been a writer. Always. I knew that I was going to be a writer when I first picked up a pencil in Kindergarten. Back then I thought that a writer was "someone who wrote on paper", that isn't really "correct" but I guess I was smart then too! When I was in first grade, I wrote and illustrated a story just for fun. I gave it to my teacher and she liked it so much, that she decided to have a story writing unit just for me. Eventually, I got that story published into a small book just because I could. I didn't sell it or anything, but I still have it. Now that I think about it, I was really smart then too. What kind of kid would write a story about an Aardvark gathering supplies to paint his house? I even threw in a narrator! What kid does that? (an awesome one right?)
I kept writing through Elementary school, and thats when I've really got into books. It just so happened that the awkward phase started then (look at definition four). I was that kid who read all of those Sci-Fi books. And if I wasn't reading that, I was probably reading something else; anything else really. By the time Spring Break rolled around in my 4th grade year, I completed all of the books in our classroom library. Narnia, Redwall, A Series of Unfortunate Events, I've read them all, heck, I've pretty much got all of those kid books down in my memory.
Like I said before, this is when I really started to become "awkward". Who wants to be friends with the kid who reads all the time right? No one really. I eventually quit playing with kids, and my "best friends" were my books, my pen and my pencil.
My grades started to "slip" but it wasn't because I was not understanding the material; it was because I was so bored in the classes I was in I had to do something else. So I started to doodle what my characters looked like, and I used write out plot lines when I've should have been paying attention to lectures. Eventually, my teachers got annoyed and they started to dislike me more than the regular student.
Eventually, I made it to Middle School, but little did I know that things would go downhill from there. Trust me, I didn't like transferring at all, so what did I do? I wrote. When my first year of Middle School came around, we had more time for writing in all of our classes, so I was excited. However, my writing got more criticism than I was used to. It wasn't from the people in my class, but it was from the teachers. Now that I look back on it, some of those teachers who taught me how to "write" were some of the worst teachers I've had. But one believed in me and told me that "I should write, because if I don't write, people would be missing out on the real you". I guess that is a reason why I do write to this day. I want to write so people would "get me" and to just "find out" about who I really am because so much of the assumptions that I encounter in my daily life are from the way I look. So I wish that everyone I cross paths with could read some of my writing and really see how I am.
More books, but this time they didn't have pictures in them, and they were complex. I really got into philosophy, and more abstract things in plot lines. After all of that reading and a lifetime of writing, I realized that I should major in something that I did every day. My favorite teacher (this far in my education) told me that I "NEED to major in English, Literature, or Journalism" because if I didn't "then the world couldn't be able to see what I've written, and I would let my talent go to waste". So I've been writing more, less stories, but more "words". I've been listening to albums like crazy, and I've been writing about them on my music blog. I've been following bands, and I also write articles, and predictions on what I think that my favorite bands will do with their next album/concert/whatever it might be on my music blog too. And I use this blog to just directly channel what I'm feeling. And I use my "paper and pen" journal to jot down my raw thoughts. (I also work at the library too, is that just in my future?
That is almost everything that you need to know about me and writing, and why I write so much. I could write more, but its 12:12, so I should probably be doing something else, like sleeping.
I've always been a writer. Always. I knew that I was going to be a writer when I first picked up a pencil in Kindergarten. Back then I thought that a writer was "someone who wrote on paper", that isn't really "correct" but I guess I was smart then too! When I was in first grade, I wrote and illustrated a story just for fun. I gave it to my teacher and she liked it so much, that she decided to have a story writing unit just for me. Eventually, I got that story published into a small book just because I could. I didn't sell it or anything, but I still have it. Now that I think about it, I was really smart then too. What kind of kid would write a story about an Aardvark gathering supplies to paint his house? I even threw in a narrator! What kid does that? (an awesome one right?)
I kept writing through Elementary school, and thats when I've really got into books. It just so happened that the awkward phase started then (look at definition four). I was that kid who read all of those Sci-Fi books. And if I wasn't reading that, I was probably reading something else; anything else really. By the time Spring Break rolled around in my 4th grade year, I completed all of the books in our classroom library. Narnia, Redwall, A Series of Unfortunate Events, I've read them all, heck, I've pretty much got all of those kid books down in my memory.
Like I said before, this is when I really started to become "awkward". Who wants to be friends with the kid who reads all the time right? No one really. I eventually quit playing with kids, and my "best friends" were my books, my pen and my pencil.
My grades started to "slip" but it wasn't because I was not understanding the material; it was because I was so bored in the classes I was in I had to do something else. So I started to doodle what my characters looked like, and I used write out plot lines when I've should have been paying attention to lectures. Eventually, my teachers got annoyed and they started to dislike me more than the regular student.
Eventually, I made it to Middle School, but little did I know that things would go downhill from there. Trust me, I didn't like transferring at all, so what did I do? I wrote. When my first year of Middle School came around, we had more time for writing in all of our classes, so I was excited. However, my writing got more criticism than I was used to. It wasn't from the people in my class, but it was from the teachers. Now that I look back on it, some of those teachers who taught me how to "write" were some of the worst teachers I've had. But one believed in me and told me that "I should write, because if I don't write, people would be missing out on the real you". I guess that is a reason why I do write to this day. I want to write so people would "get me" and to just "find out" about who I really am because so much of the assumptions that I encounter in my daily life are from the way I look. So I wish that everyone I cross paths with could read some of my writing and really see how I am.
More books, but this time they didn't have pictures in them, and they were complex. I really got into philosophy, and more abstract things in plot lines. After all of that reading and a lifetime of writing, I realized that I should major in something that I did every day. My favorite teacher (this far in my education) told me that I "NEED to major in English, Literature, or Journalism" because if I didn't "then the world couldn't be able to see what I've written, and I would let my talent go to waste". So I've been writing more, less stories, but more "words". I've been listening to albums like crazy, and I've been writing about them on my music blog. I've been following bands, and I also write articles, and predictions on what I think that my favorite bands will do with their next album/concert/whatever it might be on my music blog too. And I use this blog to just directly channel what I'm feeling. And I use my "paper and pen" journal to jot down my raw thoughts. (I also work at the library too, is that just in my future?
That is almost everything that you need to know about me and writing, and why I write so much. I could write more, but its 12:12, so I should probably be doing something else, like sleeping.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Good Luck Charm
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| From That Other Blog |
This is my one pound coin from England. I found it on the street when I was walking around and it caught my eye. Ever since that day 3 years ago, I've carried it around in my pocket, and more recently, the change pocket in my wallet (it has a zipper, so it isn't going anywhere). I don't know why I found it, but I guess I looked down at the right time and I got lucky.
I finished this book not to long ago and it said something along the lines of "in order to keep your life in perspective, you should try to carry around something small with you to remind you of being alive and all of the memories that you've had". I put the book down and I seriously thought that that was the worst thing I've read in a book for a long time. But then I thought for a while. "Hey wait, I carry that gold coin in my pocket with me every day so I guess that this isn't too crazy of an idea".
The coin has a Dragon on it, and I always thought that Dragons are cool. They really stand for something in my mind. Dragons represent Courage and Strength and that is something I need every day. So I think it be pretty cool if I got something like this as a tattoo because it would be a pretty cool good luck charm for me to have. I'm not going to get it anytime soon, but I like having the "idea" of including something new in my life.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Single Summer
I woke up today and I started to get that feeling that everything is the same. I don't think it is the "summer life" that is getting to me, but I do think that its because I'm single.
My life is like this: I get up every day, go to work/school, come back home and play guitar for a while, get on-line and check my social networks, play some video games and get ready for bed. Yeah I'm so exciting right? Oh and if I'm not doing one of these things, it must be the weekend and I'm prepping/doing some serious ass kicking at something Debate related. That's even more exciting right? It really isn't. People tell me all the time "Oh you must be really good at Debate/Video Games/Guitar because that is all you do right? You are dedicated and that is awesome!" That is true, but I'm really lacking in the "interacting with people" department. Ironic right? You'd think that a Captain of the Speech and Debate team wouldn't have a problem with talking to other people right? And that is true, I can talk to people whenever I want to, as much as I want to as long as I don't plan on having a serious relationship with them. So in other words, I'm probably going to stay single for a while.
I don't like this thought, but it's true. I already know why; I'm too nice, and I'm just too "awkward" (to hell with that word, I'm finding something else to use). Hate me if you want to, but I've only been in 3 serious relationships in my life, and right before they all broke with me they all said said the same thing; "I like you and everything, but you are just too nice, and it feels like we didn't make it out of the friend stage." The first time I heard it, I was like "What? You have to be kidding me? How can someone be "too nice" in a relationship". I was sad for a while, but it didn't really get to me. Then when I heard it a second time, I said "What? You have to be kidding me? How could I be too nice again?". Then when my most recent ex broke up with me I said "What? You have to be kidding me? Why do they always break up with me like this? Am I just a softie? Am I as soft as jello?" (of course not).As you can tell, I'm not getting anywhere. Its all the same "I like you but (insert bad excuse here)". I don't know if I always go for jackasses or if it's me. I don't want to say that I date jackasses, because that is a lie, but I also don't want to say that its my fault for the lame relationships all the time.
I always used to say "I'm going to die alone with a stack of unpublished books by my bedside. Then people are going to realize that they missed out on a pretty cool person." I also used to say that "My ex is going to date me again when they realized that I was on my way to being someone on this green planet". I don't know what happened, but I stopped saying that. I don't know what happened this time, but I'm saying it again. Although I'm working my hardest to feel better (Trust me, I'm slowly starting to feel better every day!) I really, truly, from the bottom of my being, think that I'm going to die alone with a stack of unpublished books by my bedside.
I don't know what I'm going to do to stop myself from being single. But when I try...(Ok, funny story time). When I try, the person of my interest is taken, or isn't "out of the woods yet". I got involved with this person once, but I found out they were "taken" (they totally weren't! I know this for a fact) but at least I got a good friend out of it who thought that I was awkward and pretty cool. But I don't want to settle for friends, I just want to not be alone, in my room playing guitar on weekends. I don't know how I'm going to do this. There is a voice in my head saying that "Oh, this isn't true, you won't be single for the rest of your life, just wait for a little while longer and things will be great!" but I'm starting to doubt that. It is like waiting for the Tooth Fairy, you have that hope that she "might" come so you stay up late all night but you end up falling asleep. When you do wake up, you see that your tooth is gone. That is how I'm feeling now. I feel like I need to quit waiting around and let nature take its course. But how much longer do I have to wait? I'm starting to give up.
My life is like this: I get up every day, go to work/school, come back home and play guitar for a while, get on-line and check my social networks, play some video games and get ready for bed. Yeah I'm so exciting right? Oh and if I'm not doing one of these things, it must be the weekend and I'm prepping/doing some serious ass kicking at something Debate related. That's even more exciting right? It really isn't. People tell me all the time "Oh you must be really good at Debate/Video Games/Guitar because that is all you do right? You are dedicated and that is awesome!" That is true, but I'm really lacking in the "interacting with people" department. Ironic right? You'd think that a Captain of the Speech and Debate team wouldn't have a problem with talking to other people right? And that is true, I can talk to people whenever I want to, as much as I want to as long as I don't plan on having a serious relationship with them. So in other words, I'm probably going to stay single for a while.
I don't like this thought, but it's true. I already know why; I'm too nice, and I'm just too "awkward" (to hell with that word, I'm finding something else to use). Hate me if you want to, but I've only been in 3 serious relationships in my life, and right before they all broke with me they all said said the same thing; "I like you and everything, but you are just too nice, and it feels like we didn't make it out of the friend stage." The first time I heard it, I was like "What? You have to be kidding me? How can someone be "too nice" in a relationship". I was sad for a while, but it didn't really get to me. Then when I heard it a second time, I said "What? You have to be kidding me? How could I be too nice again?". Then when my most recent ex broke up with me I said "What? You have to be kidding me? Why do they always break up with me like this? Am I just a softie? Am I as soft as jello?" (of course not).As you can tell, I'm not getting anywhere. Its all the same "I like you but (insert bad excuse here)". I don't know if I always go for jackasses or if it's me. I don't want to say that I date jackasses, because that is a lie, but I also don't want to say that its my fault for the lame relationships all the time.
I always used to say "I'm going to die alone with a stack of unpublished books by my bedside. Then people are going to realize that they missed out on a pretty cool person." I also used to say that "My ex is going to date me again when they realized that I was on my way to being someone on this green planet". I don't know what happened, but I stopped saying that. I don't know what happened this time, but I'm saying it again. Although I'm working my hardest to feel better (Trust me, I'm slowly starting to feel better every day!) I really, truly, from the bottom of my being, think that I'm going to die alone with a stack of unpublished books by my bedside.
I don't know what I'm going to do to stop myself from being single. But when I try...(Ok, funny story time). When I try, the person of my interest is taken, or isn't "out of the woods yet". I got involved with this person once, but I found out they were "taken" (they totally weren't! I know this for a fact) but at least I got a good friend out of it who thought that I was awkward and pretty cool. But I don't want to settle for friends, I just want to not be alone, in my room playing guitar on weekends. I don't know how I'm going to do this. There is a voice in my head saying that "Oh, this isn't true, you won't be single for the rest of your life, just wait for a little while longer and things will be great!" but I'm starting to doubt that. It is like waiting for the Tooth Fairy, you have that hope that she "might" come so you stay up late all night but you end up falling asleep. When you do wake up, you see that your tooth is gone. That is how I'm feeling now. I feel like I need to quit waiting around and let nature take its course. But how much longer do I have to wait? I'm starting to give up.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
On being Awkward.
People always call me awkward, but I came to the realization that I don't know what "awkward" is anyway. So I got online and found these definitions to see if I fit any of them.
1. (obsolete) In a backwards Direction.
This is an outdated term anyway. It would have been used in a way like "you are facing the awkward direction, please turn around". I don't stand in the backwards direction (well, not most of the time) so I don't think that people would be using this to describe me anyway.
2. Lacking dexterity in the use of the hands, or of instruments.
This is a true statement. I really can't use my hands when I'm nervous because I shake so much! Here is a story. I was at this Debate meet once (yeah, I know...) and I was trying to write down a question, and what do you know, right when I pick up my pen, its halfway across the room on the floor.
I think that I'm pretty good with my hands because I can type really fast (my best benchmark so far is 100 words per minute) and I play guitar, so at least I think that I'm good with my hands and dexterity. But I drop things a lot, and it always has to be around people, so I think that this definition is somewhat accurate.
3.Not easily managed or effected; embarrassing.
This is an adverbial phrase (or in other words, it modifies a verb). So if this was the case, we would be describing a situation. For example; When I drank the orange juice after I brushed my teeth, the taste was incredibly awkward. I'm not too hard to get along with, and I'm really not embarrassing at all, so that definition doesn't fit well.
4.Lacking social skills, or uncomfortable with social interaction.
Yeah. This is me. I love people and talking in front of people but for some reason, I just can't talk to people. Take for example, that kid I had a crush on in class last year. We didn't look like we had things in common, but we did. I however, had to bring some "weird" stuff into the conversation. (What else do you do when people are looking at you... in the EYES!)
"Um, did you hear about that kid who got suspended for bringing that confetti to 3rd period last week?"
"No, I didn't hear about that. Did you see it?"
"Ummm. No, but my friend did and they said that it was so funny. You know what I was at lunch 3rd period last week, I think you were looking at me and...Oh whoops."
See what I mean?
So I guess I'm closest to the 4th definition. I just don't get it, why don't people call me awkward so often. It is kind of obvious that I'm "different" and or "awkward" so why should that be pointed out to me all of the time? Heck, I guess that this is one of my pet peeves. Whatever, I think I'm used to being awkward anyway.
1. (obsolete) In a backwards Direction.
This is an outdated term anyway. It would have been used in a way like "you are facing the awkward direction, please turn around". I don't stand in the backwards direction (well, not most of the time) so I don't think that people would be using this to describe me anyway.
2. Lacking dexterity in the use of the hands, or of instruments.
This is a true statement. I really can't use my hands when I'm nervous because I shake so much! Here is a story. I was at this Debate meet once (yeah, I know...) and I was trying to write down a question, and what do you know, right when I pick up my pen, its halfway across the room on the floor.
I think that I'm pretty good with my hands because I can type really fast (my best benchmark so far is 100 words per minute) and I play guitar, so at least I think that I'm good with my hands and dexterity. But I drop things a lot, and it always has to be around people, so I think that this definition is somewhat accurate.
3.Not easily managed or effected; embarrassing.
This is an adverbial phrase (or in other words, it modifies a verb). So if this was the case, we would be describing a situation. For example; When I drank the orange juice after I brushed my teeth, the taste was incredibly awkward. I'm not too hard to get along with, and I'm really not embarrassing at all, so that definition doesn't fit well.
4.Lacking social skills, or uncomfortable with social interaction.
Yeah. This is me. I love people and talking in front of people but for some reason, I just can't talk to people. Take for example, that kid I had a crush on in class last year. We didn't look like we had things in common, but we did. I however, had to bring some "weird" stuff into the conversation. (What else do you do when people are looking at you... in the EYES!)
"Um, did you hear about that kid who got suspended for bringing that confetti to 3rd period last week?"
"No, I didn't hear about that. Did you see it?"
"Ummm. No, but my friend did and they said that it was so funny. You know what I was at lunch 3rd period last week, I think you were looking at me and...Oh whoops."
See what I mean?
So I guess I'm closest to the 4th definition. I just don't get it, why don't people call me awkward so often. It is kind of obvious that I'm "different" and or "awkward" so why should that be pointed out to me all of the time? Heck, I guess that this is one of my pet peeves. Whatever, I think I'm used to being awkward anyway.
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