Boss-less

Ready to hear me complain again? Well get ready, because you are now reading the most up to date chapter about my life.

Let me get you up to speed. I've been getting a maximum of 6 hours of sleep per day, and my migraines are worse than ever. I've haven't had time to reflect on anything or think about how I'm feeling. I've basically started to shut off my feelings and just started to just let my work dictate my life, and I'm not enjoying it very much.

I'm also being bossed around, and its about damn time that I quit being bossed around. So I've started to fight back.

We had a bake sale today, and I did what I normally do when I run concession like things. I sit around at a table, and I help people when they want to be helped. Or in other words, I help people in the most friendly way that I can. I fell like our ventures make money because I offer the best service that I can, and people enjoy that. I try to include everyone when I do projects like these, and I really enjoy working with people when I do. But I don't enjoy working with people when they tell me what to do in an "authoritarian" way. So I got sick of being bossed around, so I told them how I felt, and then I left because I didn't want to deal with other peoples bad attitudes. Sure, leaving the table wasn't the best thing to do, but I did feel better when I left for 6 minutes.

I could have calmed down and said something besides "I don't like the way that you are talking to me, I think you should take a break." but of coarse I didn't do that because I "don't want to hurt anyone's feelings". I need to remind myself that my feelings have been hurt way too many times, and that I need to start acting like the people who are hurting my feelings because being nice isn't getting me anywhere. I'm learning that the hard way.

Once I got home from the bake sale, I decided to address an issue that was bothering me yesterday. In Debate class, I was told to present the website (which I made by the way) with another captain. I had no problem with this. I was instructed to do so along with my team mate, so I did what I was instructed to do. However, I didn't do too much of anything. I just stood there; awkwardly standing not taking about my creation. I didn't know what to do. It was mostly because my many sleepless nights were catching up with me. But today, I thought that I could talk to my other collaborator about what and how I felt. I used the following non violent communication method, and I thought that things were absolutely clear and easy to understand. But apparently (and I quote from the email) "you have a lot of spelling errors" (that is a borderline insult in my mind) and "You had the time to talk about the things that you wanted to". Apparently, this is a lie to me, and I still need to respond back to that email, but I can't do anything (even sleep) until I get these feelings out.

I really want to be the same me that I am, but more assertive and less lonely. I always feel like I'm isolated in some way or another, even when I'm planning a social event, or out in one. I always feel awkward (you know I hate thatword a lot, sorry). But its true. I try to talk to people and it just doesn't go well. When I'm not working or Debating, I spend my weekends at home in my room, on the verge of sobbing, trying to find something to do and wondering why people don't like me and why I hate myself sometimes.