Relax

Something amazing just happened over the past three days. I finally met someone who is just as as unusual as I am. This isn't just in the regular "unusual" way. So far, we like and dislike the same things, and have been texting constantly for the past week or so. This sounds good, and it feels good to me, but I only have one problem; I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself too fast, and I feel like this could end badly.

Part of me doesn't want to believe that. This is mainly because in the majority of relationships that I get involved in start off great, but always had that element of suspicion that I always overlooked. I just don't feel that here. I put on my skeptic's lenses, and I do feel a little bit leery about some things, but come on, I'm still in the beginning stages of this new friendship. I'm going to be honest, I never gone into any friendship or relationship completely trusting my new friend. It just doesn't happen. There is still a lot that I have to learn or find out about them. Of course, I could just ask questions, but what fun is that? One of the fun parts of learning about a new person is trying to find out about how they think, and who they hang out with. I could use myself as an example. I'm a pretty mysterious person, at the surface. People usually think that I'm a brooding, anti-social jerk that doesn't care about anyone or anything. Once people loose that notion, they figure out that, I am not a brooding, anti-soical jerk that hates everyone. Usually people are just biased towards things that they don't know.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm a prefect person. I honestly have a hard time trusting people, but the good thing is that I'm working on it. I'm not the type of person that can't trust anyone and wants to control them but I'm more like "I haven't heard from them all day. What the heck?". I guess I'm a nervous wreck sometimes, but the good news is that I can change.

Ironically, this is the prefect opportunity to let me change. All I have to do is just relax and hope for the best. This is the prefect time to try. I've been trying to kick my habit of worrying for so long, but this would be the greatest way to kill it off for good. For example, I always used to freak out before my debate rounds, but then I started to listen to some of my favorite songs, take a deep breath in, and meditate. No matter how intimidating my opponent looked, I started to do this "ritual" and then I started slaying my opponents in the round. I just have to find my ritual to calm down and worry less.

I'll see where this friendship takes me. I'm not going to loose it for sure. I've been too naive in the past, and now I think that I finally know and understand what I have to do in order to make this work. This time, I won't go in fearless, and worried, I just have to remain positive and I'll see where that takes me.

Time for a Break

I'm finally on Spring Break. I'm getting away from it all by exploring Denver more than I normally do, and do some book shopping in Boulder. If I have some extra money, I'm going to go to the ice cream shop and see if I can talk to that cashier that I like so much. Anyway, I'm so excited to be on break. I've committed myself to blogging about my week off and the week afterword (aka, the National Qualifying Debate meet!).

This week sucked. I had 3 different exams, I was failing Chemistry (I'm not anymore) and I just had to deal with people who don't want to deal with me. I'm so tired of this, and I can't wait until I get home every day. I haven't been getting too much sleep, and waking up at 5:00 isn't fun either. It is starting to get nice outside and I really want to just go to the park ans swing on the swing and just relax for a while. I don't do the "fun things" in my life anymore because I don't have time for fun things anymore. This happened not too long ago. I was about to go to my favorite cafe for a coffee, but then I realized that I have that darn essay to write and that 65 pages of reading to do. But all of that is going to change though.

I've been thinking of making my outside appearance look like how I feel inside. I want to change my hairstyle. Right now, it is annoying me and it is also would allow me to make a small (yet large) change in my life. I'm going to cut it short, but not too short; it is going to stop around the base of my ears. I might get it layered so I can spike the middle part up like a faux-hawk or a semi-modified bob. I virtually want to wake up, style my hair for 5 minutes and then just leave and get my day underway.

I'm still trying to make new friends. It's going kind of slow, but I can't complain. I'm starting to talk to more people and the people around them, and I really haven't had any major issues yet. People still know me and that is kind of hard because the "me" on the outside isn't the "me" on the inside. I don't want to show up to class next week looking like the way I truly feel on the inside, but part of me wants to. I guess I really want to phase these "transitions" out. I'll start with my hair, and gradually start to improve everything else out.

I told myself that I would start to see more live music, and try to work it into my schedule. Hopefully, I can start to do this over break, and then increase my show going out load. If I try my best, then I can start playing small shows without the support of my band. I just find it hard when my band mates are in different states and aren't' committed to playing as I am. I also am in dire need of money right now. So, what else can I do to get a few dollars here and there? I can't just float around doing small odd jobs here and there, so why not try to make enough money to buy some new albums? (Just to clarify, I do have my own legitimate money from working odd jobs, I just don't want to it for the rest of my life, and I also don't play music so I can just make money. I'm not like that. Seriously.)

I love Colorado a lot. I was born here, my family is here, I and just flat out like being here. The thing is that I really don't like the people here. I've been dealing with the people here all of my life, they annoy me beyond end, and I just can't stand it anymore. Alright, I did find some pretty decent people here in Denver to hang out with, but I just think that it's time for a change. I decided that I'm going to find a place out of state to say, and just "start over". Who knows, I might be more "popular" than I am now? I just need people who understand me, and I just can't find that here in town. I want to just explore new lands, eat new food, and go to new concerts.

I'm glad that I have time off, and I'm also glad that I got the chance to think for a while and type out the ideas that are buzzing around in my head. I'll keep blogging (hopefully) every day this week, so keep checking back around for new stuff. I should also say that it is a good time to read my old blog posts an read about my life up to this point. It's a pretty good story.

Back from vacation (sort of).

I've been on vacation for the past week, and I really didn't want to blog because I needed a break. So I still have a week left of vacation, and I thought that I would blog about some of my thoughts over vacation. Today, I'm going to talk about how insecure I feel about my future.

I'm feeling kind of worn out because I got finals and a new debate topic to worry about when I get back to school. I haven't taken a whack on my mountain of homework, and I can't sleep at night. I'm starting to go back into drinking coffee (one cup a day, with whipped cream). I really need a job, but I know that I won't be able to get one until summer when people go on vacation. My current band is about to break down and dissolve and I'm kind of worried about that too, I could just go back to being a solo artist, but I can't find the time in my "Blocked out" schedule. As you can see, I have too much to do without the time to do it.

I really felt like doing something yesterday, but I turned on my stereo and slept on the floor for a good 2 hours. I then sat in front of the TV and played Wii for 3 hours to forget about my life for a while. That was ok for a while, but when I had 3 nightmares in a row, I knew something was wrong. I've been up off and on for 6 hours and I'm somewhat scared to go back to sleep. If I can't sleep, than I won't be able to get my homework done.

This might just be circular thinking, but it is just hard to calm my brain down sometimes. When I can't calm my brain down, I usually stay up very late trying to make up for lost time, and then sleep when I almost pass out from doing too much work. Some people call me a procrastinator, but others call me a perfectionist; none of these are true. I'd rather call myself someone who works too much and get nothing in return. I came to realize that if I relax and calmly do my work, then I do get the good things in return, like 5th place. I'll see what I can do during the week to make everything as painless as possible. To top it off, I promised myself that I would be done with everything before Friday night.

First day of Vacation plus thoughts.

My week long vacation starts now. I'm going to post the things that I've been holding off posting for various reasons, and I will also be sitting down at my desk refreshing my blog stats and seeing what I can improve on. So if you haven't already, check that out now.

I'm kind of concerned (no wait, really concerned) that I'm going to lock myself in my house, play my guitar, sleep for 3 days straight, and probably won't do anything until Thursday when I noticed that I slept the week away.  I'm starting to worry that I'm going back into those "dark ages" where everything wasn't the way it was now, and when I really wasn't the person I am now. I think that I just need to write it all down and talk about it because all the things that I want to say are swirling around in my head like a almost done smoothie.

I might bring back the "What I did" series on vacation because I honestly don't know what to do over vacation. If I do block out what I do over vacation, then I can try extra hard to get something done over vacation, so you guys have something nice to look at.  I think that my life is kind of like a 3 paragraph essay on repeat "I did this, then I did this, and then I went to bed". That's all. That all I do. But I'm sure that I'm not just a "person with a routine life"; I only do the same things on vacation.

I guess that I really want to talk to someone. That's all. I'm just lonely. I just want to talk to my friends and just say "Dude, can you just forget about everything that is going on in your life and talk to me for 15 minutes?". I'm sure that someone would say "Yeah, I have time to talk for 15 minutes. What do I do all day anyway?". The differentiating factor is that I don't want to tell my life story to everyone that I talk to. I told myself that I don't want others sympathy, I want others to tell me what to do right now because I frankly don't know how to do it myself.

I have 200 dollars that I have saved over the past 3 months. No, it isn't going to education, but to other things that I find more important right now. I know that I'm going to buy some things that I need and buy some more guitar picks because I've been playing with the same one since July.  I need to pay for my shrink visit, but they might wave it for me because they know I'm broke and I really need someone to talk to. (Handy tip: Shrinks  won't charge you for "verbal" therapy, or "e-mail" therapy. Milk out their morals and use it to your advantage.). They might even let me go to the park with their 125 pound Golden Retriever (btw, that dog weighs more than I do!!). I guess if no one else want's to talk to me, the dog will show some concern. 

I kind of already know that I'm going to go to bed disappointed tonight. I don't every night, but what else do you do when everyone else is having "fun" and you don't even know what "fun" is anymore? I'm going to do something now, I'm not sure what it is, but I'll be sure to tell you all about it tomorrow.

Back Home!

I'm back home! Well, I got home yesterday at 2 in the afternoon, but I wasn't really feeling like writing anything major because I was too tired. I haven't taken any Advil and thats great because I'm still (kind of ) awake. I had fun and learned a lot, ate a lot, and didn't sleep a lot, but that didn't matter because I had lots of fun. I just wanted to say that I missed all of my blog readers and it doesn't matter if you comment or not. I'm happy because at least I know that my writing is being read by others and I'm happy to share a little portion of my life with you all. I don't know if I'll get to it today, but I should be posting about my awesome guitar (trust me, it is pretty awesome) and I might even throw in a post about my jacket (you have to see it to believe it). Oh yeah, I start school soon (noooo) so I want to see how many posts I can get in before I go back to the brain-drain. I don't even want to think about that now... Anyway its great to be back.

On Vacation

I thought that it would be a good idea if I took an "academic vacation" at the college for the weekend, but I'm starting to regret it. I won't have time to watch tv (like I watch tv anyway), catch up on my sleep, or (most important) go on the internet. I'm kind of like "Why am I leaving..." but we will just have to wait and see how things are going to go. I'll have the auto post on so you guys can read some of my stuff that I wrote earlier in the week.  I'm writing off of the poll results, so vote in my polls! Anyway, see you later. I provided some links to click so you wont get bored :)

My Forum - Join us and bring my forum back from the dead! 

The Sound Collection -  My other blog on music. Bookmark it!

Papa's Pizzeria - Fun little pizza game.

20 Questions - Do I need to say more?