Not again...

I'm doing something new; I decided to write during the after effects of an argument. Right now, I'm shaking and I can't really think straight, but I do have enough focus to write about the things that are making me mad.

OK, let me set the scene; I'm driving in the car with my Mom. I ask her a question on what to do at stop signs, she takes it the wrong way. We drive around for 8 more minutes and then I take out the tape recorder on my phone and record the rest of the conversation. We return home, and then after a 15 minute break I'm replaying the conversation and I'm writing down some of the key events on the tape. When I'm done, I ask my mom if she wants to talk about what happened. She said yes, and then I asked her 3 questions. She clearly wasn't understanding what I was asking so I got more frustrated than normal and I threw my hands down and hit the couch cushion (I was sitting on the couch) and then proceed to hit myself on the forehead with my palm (It didn't hurt that bad). Although I didn't want to say that “everything is always my fault” but I did because she really wasn't listening to anything else that I was saying at that point. Then I told my mom that I needed some space in my room and I slammed the door because she was trying to trying to get in. When I slammed the door for one last time, she entered and I told her to get out, and she didn't. She was yelling at me to “give her a hug” but I told her no 3 times. She clearly wasn't listening. Then I finally told her to leave, and I don't know where she is right now. That is how my day went from great to awful in about 2 hours.

This Saturday, I played in a very successful showcase in front of 700 or so people. I was happy. That whole week, I played guitar, met new people and had fun. I was happy the whole week. I was happy even though my band mate called me “a cold heartless person” and although it made me angry, I kept being happy all week. People wanted to listen to what I said. They wanted to hear my Debate stories, they wanted to hear my jokes, they wanted to hear my guitar playing. They wanted to know me better, and they did. I seen old friends that I haven’t seen in a year or so and they haven't changed. They all know about what's going on, and even if I didn't tell them, they will find out sooner or later, and I know that they wouldn't leave me in this title wave called life.

It's sad because my family isn't like this. I feel like my parents don't want to listen to what I have to say. I feel like they don't care about how hard my life is. I feel like they don't care about me. I wasn’t to talk to them, but I just don't. I haven't talked to my Dad in 3 months. I still haven't given him that letter. When I told my Mom about my intention on giving my Dad that letter, she told me “to not do it” because if I did “then you wouldn't see your friends next week” (aka that whole last paragraph). Now, I feel like that I'm never going to talk to my Mom with some sense of normalcy.

When I was in my room sitting on the floor I told myself that I could just give up now and not worry about dealing with my damn parents ever again. For a while I thought about really beating myself up because I was so angry, but again, just like the time I tried to kill myself, I stopped and the same saying popped back into my head “You can't leave now, You are doing it for them remember?” I then realized that it was a true statement.

I always make promises to people, or that what it is in a nutshell. Let me explain, Last week, my guitar instructor told me that I would be on the cover of Guitar Player magazine one day, and that I would also be the next “big” guitarist. Now what if I end up dying before I could reach any one of these goals? It isn't like I can't reach these goals, they aren't that difficult for me to do (yes, I am that good at guitar) but I just have to make it for just a couple of more days, but I feel like a week goes by so slow now. Yes, I'm afraid like heck, and I'm not quite sure if I could make it or not, but like I always say, something is keeping me here.

I calmed down now, but I'm starting to get very anxious because I don't know what I'm going to do about my family. This week isn't looking very good. Hopefully, I can find something to look forward to.