Yes, I'm selfish.

It's been 23 days in and things are starting to get rough. Right now, I'm super occupied with the things that I have to do academically. Basically, I'm doing what I can now, to set myself up for success later. If you visit my blog often, you will understand that I'm a Debate geek. I'm putting my face out there this year, and I have a serious shot of making it to the National and State compilation that every Debater hopes and dreams for. I'm in a pretty good spot right now too. Either way, I should be quite happy that I'm this far, but I'm not.

I was sleeping yesterday because I spent the better part of 17 hours on my feet Debating. I really didn't' eat, and I was just cranky on Saturday. I just ignored the crankiness and just brought it into the round to give my arguments an "edge". The crankiness didn't really leave. I'd just thought that I would "wait it out" by staying awake Saturday night/Sunday morning. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours and finally ate something at 12. I went back to bed right after that and then my cell phone woke me up and alerted me to a new text message:"It feels like we aren't' dating". When I seen this text, I literally had a heart attack. (No I'm not joking, I did almost have a heart attack. You can get those things from shock!). I didn't go back to sleep after that. So I sat up, grabbed my phone and thought out my response. "Well, I could just say "Screw you and end this now, then when they need me the most, I'll drop them like an apple from a tree. That is harsh though, what if someone did that to me?" A little while later, I came up with "Oh, well, you know that I'm really Debate-centric right now. I haven't been this close to this kind of stage in my life." After that, I had to scramble to set up a "date" After dogging the question for a while, I had to settle on Saturday at the Highly Important Debate meet.

Now, you can't blame me for not trying, because I did try my heart out for the 3 weeks. First weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend, want to hang out?" "No, its ok, I'm doing something". Second weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend too, I got 2 extra days off just in case" "We will see." (nothing happened). Last week: "Its my last free weekend this month, Do you want to do something?" "Oh, I have a family emergency" I gave them the benefit of the doubt ok? (Maybe something did happen. I don't know, I frankly don't want to know). If you read my blog a lot, then you would know that I was in this situation before.

I went to bed upset. Its hard to explain, but my chest felt like it was caving in. It always feels this way whenever I know when things are going wrong in life. I didn't dream about anything, and I really didn't get a good night of sleep. I didn't want to get up at 5:00 this morning; today was one of those days where you just want to stay in bed because dealing with the world "isn't' worth it". Classes went by fast today, but my anger grew fast when the day when by. I didn't want to talk with my friends at lunch. I almost yelled at one. "No one wants to hear about your God Damn Knee! I don't care! You'll know what real pain is when you know what I've been through". I'm glad that that I didn't say that. I was on edge all day and it sucked, I never want to feel this way again. 

I finally made it home without getting into a verbal argument or melting down. Believe it or not, I didn't feel like getting on my computer! I decided to sit on the floor and just play my stereo. I just looked at my sealing and thought about all of the thoughts that I had. So after that I decided to write about my feelings.

So where did the name come from? Well, I need time to myself, and that is selfish; nothing wrong with that. But to me, I need to be selfish to get things done. Like I said earlier, I need to have time to myself because my personal success relies on it. I said to them on the first day: "We have to take this slow and you are going to have to be prepared to wait for me. This is a really stressful part of the year, and I got to do what I got to do."

I'm going to stop here. I really don't know what to say. I might write more tomorrow, so stay tuned...

Take the Day

The Semester ended on Friday, and I now have a 4 day weekend. Today was kind of boring because I got up at noon and watched a documentary on how various types of alcohol is made. Around 2, I ate the rest of the left over pizza and thought about why my head was pounding so bad. A little while later, I watched Portlandia for the second time (http://www.ifc.com/portlandia/). Then I sat in my room and lit my new orange scented candle and relaxed for a while. I then looked at my clock and came to the realization that I'm wasting my day by not doing anything. So, I then ran 2 miles and sat on my floor and started to play guitar. Right after that I picked up my computer and started to type this blog post.

I always think that I'm wasting the day, no matter what I do. One of my various personal mottoes is "Carpe Diem" but I always wonder about what part of the day I'm seizing. I might have a whole laundry list of things that I have to do, and I might only get 3 done. Did I do what I could with the time I had? Did I waste the day? I always ask myself that question before I go to bed, and then I always realize that I forgot to do something important.

The awkward factor.

I've lasted 13 days longer than I thought that I would, and I'm quite satisifed with myself at this pont. But I do have to say that I'm not used to dating the person that I go to for relationship advice. It's stange, I'll be trying to think of something to say, but then I think about that "one time when I asked them about getting back at my ex", or that other time when "I was single for 6 months". It is really quite strange. I feel like I'd be dumped in 7 days or so, but that apperently isn't true. This is in it for the long term. 

We haven't gone on a date yet, and it is somewhat bothering me. I want to do something with them, but I really am quite clueless to what we do on this "date" thing. Honestly, I've been self sufficient for the past 3 years, but I could honestly care less about other people. I'm going to do what I can to make things awesome.  Hopefully.  

Tied to the New Year.

I'm not single anymore. I didn't plan to start off the year in a relationship, but I guess the way that fate has had it this time. Hate to say it, but it feels kind of "weird" to be in a relationship again because I haven been in one for 3 whole years! I kind of forgot what to do, how things work and just what goes on.

Let me start, About 3 years ago, I met one of my good friends and not too long afterward, we started "Dating". I'd thought that we had good chemistry and all that, but like most relationships, it ended. Of coarse I took it badly, but I got over it sooner or later. When that was over, I didn't date for a while, I had crushes and things, but nothing serious. And then out of the blue while playing my first person shooter game, I get a text saying "do you want to go out?" and boy, I almost dropped my game controller! I must have been pretty happy because I totally kicked some tail earlier this day.

I'm kind of worried, because we have to keep this "underground" if you know what I mean. And to put the icing on the cake, I'm always doing something on the weekends, so I'm going to have to be somewhat innovative when it comes to dates. Hopefully, things will all fall in place in time. I'll do what I can, but fate is going to do what it has to too. I have high hopes this time around.