Dogeball.

Today was the first day of spirit week, so I played dogeball with my two clubs, Speech and Debate and Link Crew. I chose link crew because I'm still kind of mad about their "yuppyness" but despite that, I still played with my friends and kicked some serious ass. I was so good, I fell down on my knee, balanced the dogeball in my hand and threw it before I fell down and still got the person out. Yes, I'm a beast at dogeball, but I still hate every other sport that I'm not good at.

I said on facebook that "Dodgeball was invented so that angry children could attack their oppressors." That is true. Although I really dont care about who is "in" and who is "out" I still killed everyone regardless of their social standing on the ladder. If you are doing anything with speech and debate, make sure that you have some time to wait because we do everything with that darn bracket system or in other words, if you are out you go against someone who was out, regardless if they are good or not. I just so happened to be the last person on the last team that we had and I caught the ball and ended up wining for our whole team. However, this didn't mean anything because we were out the next round.

I hate the rules of dogeball sometimes because you can be counted "off sides" or you cross the "blue line" or even catch the ball and still be considered out. I got called out 8 times and I didn't even feel like getting out because I knew in my mind that I wasn't out. Still though, they ended up making us loose because I got out. No I'm not an ego person, but I do feel pretty confident in my dogeball wining abilities.

Yeah, so I'm beat up pretty bad, but at the end of the day, my Advil will make me feel better (hopefully). I'm getting home late tomorrow too because I have some debate judging to do. Whatever, I should be ok.

Late nights and deep thoughts.

It's late again and I have nothing else to do than blog about all the stuff I have to deal with and listen to the first half of my Cocteau Twins Box set (you should check this out sometime. Very relaxing). So if you read my blog a lot you might know that I'm very stressed over tiny little stuff and that my neck/shoulder have been in pain for the past 3 weeks. Not too bad right? (heavy dose of sarcasm sorry). I think it just is exhaustion getting to me, but I can tell that I'm not too pleased with what I'm turning into right now.

No, I'm not in that depressed streak that I was in a couple of years ago, I'm just something different now. Most of its good, For example, I'm getting better at being me. Some of its bad though, I'm getting concerned with "being me", or in other words, I'm getting kind of worried about "being me" and how I compare to my friends that I haven't seen in about 4 or so years. If you don't know me that well, you should know that I care a bunch about everyone in my life that has done something, or been there for me when I needed it the most. It feels like I owe all of these people something, and I'm starting to play the "blame game" and I'm blaming myself for not keeping the relationships that I had.

Now, its hard for me to have friends, dates, whatever you want to call them, and keep them in my life for years or for even months. Growing up, I've went to 3 elementary schools, 2 middle schools and one high school. This made me the way I am now I guess.  It was hard making friends and keeping friends when I was a kid because I didn't know how long they or myself were going to be there, so instead I went into the one thing that was constant in my life, schoolwork. I've always been smart, so it wasn't that hard to keep up my grades in school, but like always, I always overdid it and it just didn't seem fun anymore. This was at its highest point in middle school when I really started to do too much work instead of too much hanging out with friends. This lead to my 3 year depression and all of that wonderful stuff, and I frankly didn't care about anything or anyone for that matter. Then I couldn't handle people or anyone for that matter, then my grades started to slip from A's to B's to C's then D's.  Then I switched schools, didn't talk to my good friends, and then started at my 4th new school. Life went on. Things got harder, I started to care less. Then one day I woke up and seen the bright light of reality, and climbed out of my hole of depression and got back where I never been before.

I realized that I've never had a real date while I was writing in my journal lying on my bed with my plaid pajama pants and my speech and debate hoodie on. Yeah, I didn't care at one time but, now I'm really starting to think "why the hell didn't I have a serious relationship with someone?". I have gotten to bond with people quite often, but before I hear the words "Do you want to go out with me?" I always get the cruel, cruel words "I'm sorry, but I think that we would just be better off if we were just to stay friends." When I hear this, no matter who says it, or even if its not in my conversation, I just want to kick the bastard who uttered those words in the mouth and tell them what it means to me. I'm guess I'm doing that with you right now, just that you are not a bastard and I'm not mad at you.

I lost hope, to a point because I'm starting to think that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to see my best friends getting married and I'm the only single one there. If that was to happen then I'm probably am going to get drunk out of my mind, drive home, and then write in my journal about how I feel inside.

I'm glad that I can share my feelings with all of you guys, but I'm sorry again that I've been kind of "gloomy" the past couple of days, but I'm not going to write a happy post when I'm feeling bad inside. That just doesn't work. I write how I feel, and I'm not going to give that up for anything or anyone. It might not be late anymore, but those "late night feelings" are going to stay with me for the rest of the day today.

The fish aren't biting.

Life is kind of like my aching shoulder right now; I can bear it, but its just getting kind of old and I need to do something for it to get better.  Unlike my aching shoulder, I just can't put ointment on it and wish it away. Lately, I've been getting concerned because I have no date for the uber important dance next Saturday and It made me think about all the reasons why I have no date and how I haven't had a date in about 4 years and how I can't handle it. I know for a fact that I"m not like this all the time, I even said so. I only get like this because no one wants to be around me.

Come on, I'm not like other people. I get it, everyone else might not get it but even though they might not get it, they know for a fact that this is the reason why I'm not getting anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling left out because I don't want to drop my standards to the level of everyone else just so I can have a date. I understand pretty well that I "might have my standards set too high" but I know that that isn't true. If I had my standards set to high, then I wouldn't have gotten a date 4 years ago. I haven't changed my standards since then and I don't think that I will now.

Sometimes, I don't think that I even what to try looking for an significant other because I kind of know that it is always going to turn into one of those "No" or "No, let's just be friends".  I always kid around and say that I'm going to be a "hopeless romantic starving artist" one day, but every day passes by, the more that I think it is true.  Maybe some people go after that "hopeless romantic starving artist" type of person, but the bead deal is that I haven't found someone who likes it.

I'm not boring, but I don't party. I don't drink, and I do keep up my grades. That to regular people is boring. I just hope that I can find one person who gets me. Because I have no idea what to do now. And that's what I always get.

If I hear the quote "there is always more fish in the sea", I'm honestly going to say "the fish in my sea aren't biting."

I'm not like this all the time.

So today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and that was good. The strange thing was that all of my classes went by super fast and all of the tests were easier than I thought they would be. I hate to say that I over studied, but I know that that wasn't true, I just think that I was well prepared. My arm didn't hurt today, and my neck wasn't sore at all, so today was positive just because I got though it without the harm that I thought that would happen. On the other hand though, I was thinking about the Homecoming dance that is coming up in about a week and I feel kind of bummed out because I know that I won't get a date anytime soon.

Just to let you guys know, I'm not always "Miss Sad" all the time. Most of the time I'm not sad at all, I'm satisfied mostly. But when things don't turn out the way that you want them too or when you wait and wait and wait and things are still the same, you start to get bummed out because you kind of know that things are just going to stay the same and there is no use fighting against it.

Forgive me for my mood swings, I'm not like this all the time. I'm not getting enough sleep, I'm stressed out, my neck is killing me and I have no idea whats wrong with it, and to top it all off, I have to be 3 places in one day. I'm sorry if I'm not being the "best blogger ever" and my posts are kind of lame, but I need some kind of an outlet right now, and I'm happy you are reading it. 

Worst Pain Ever

I've had the worst neck pain for the longest time. It started around last Wednesday when I slept on it wrong. I didn't think that it was a big deal but when I couldn't pop my neck, I started to think otherwise. At the concert I went to last Saturday my arm was kind of falling asleep and that was strange because my arm just felt numb and I just wondered "Why? What did I do?". Then it went away for a while and then I thought that I could get some more sleep and be happy.

This week, it came back and I was sitting in class on Thursday and out of the blue I couldn't feel my arm, I felt dizzy and I stated to panic. I made it though the day alright fine and that was just great. When I got home though, things go t worse. I just didn't feel "right" so I took some Advil and took a nap; I felt better after that, but then I started to think about all of the things that I have to do in the next week.

I have two tests on Monday, some random day-to-day living to do, plan out my clubs Homecoming float, type a 100 point essay over some question and to top it all off its almost the start of debate season.  I might just be really stressed out, but that wouldn't be an abnormal thing because I'm always stressed out nowadays and I need to do something about it, because I can't sleep and I'm not eating normally. I just want Monday to be over. If I can get through anyway, then I can probably get most of the other stuff done.

Well, I think that I post some more stuff later once I get some more sleep and after I type all of my essay. I don't care how long it takes me, as long as I get it done, then I'm set. So until then, have you checked out my music blog? It has some crazy cool stuff on there.

I'm not true to my age.

I'm not that old. I'm not going to tell you my real age because you are are going to have to find that out for yourself. So to start of this post in a positive light, I'm going to have some trivia for you guys relating to my age:

• I'm old enough to drive.
• I can get into concerts without being kicked out.
• I'm not old enough to legally drink.
• I had a president write to me when email was "new".
• I'm too young to remember Tron, but I have seen it.
• I'm young enough to have had a tape deck, and a Walkman.
• I'm young enough to have used encyclopedia in my life.
• I can get a tattoo.

But why does this matter? I'm always thinking about how people my age "don't get me" and how the people who are are older than I am get me, but I hate being so "young" if you get what I'm saying.  I try to connect with people my age, but I always get the same answer of "no" when I ask if they "Want to go to a indie rock concert that will be life changing". But I do have the rare 3 friends who are my age, exactly like me, and are willing to go to an indie rock concert with me and get home at 1AM without getting yelled at with by their parents. The bad thing is that all of my friends live in California, New Mexico and Kentucky. I do get the couple of friends that relate to me in my state, but they are always doing something "more important" (see here)

Now on the other hand, people older than me get me, but I don't want to say the wrong thing; I'm always kind of nervous when I'm talking to someone older than me because I don't want to seam like a "kid" to them.  Yes, I'm smart for my age because I'm hanging out with people older than myself. It's always been that way. For example, when I was in Kindergarten I was hanging out with kids in Third grade and helping them with their homework (no lie). I moved on from hanging out with third graders, now I'm a natural with the local punks, "crazy" people who aren't really crazy, musicians and I'm kind of good of tolerating hipsters (that was hard to say).

This is even effecting my relationships. I don't think that anyone my age wants to date me because I'm too "smart, or too strange". But I do have someone who cares, I just don't want to share that with you guys because sadly, my blog is not my journal. If I do ever feel like boring my feelings out on the screen then I'll be happy to tell you, but it isn't' now.

I always am my natural self either way though because I'm just that kind of person who likes being themselves, I'm a natural Leo. What else can you expect from me? Yes, I don't just give in to my concerns when I'm doubting myself, I keep trying until I reach my goal, or the goal gives up on me. That is just what I have to do now, keep trying to be optimistic and I'm sure that I'll make it through.

This weekend.

I feel like blogging about my week, but then at the same time nothing really happened this week.  I think I'll push out an essay that I was writing last month, but didn't have the time to finish it all. I have a show to go to tomorrow and I'm pretty hyped up about it, but my stomach is starting to have some issues but I'm still going to go. I'm not going to dance, I'm not going to start a mosh pit, I'm just going to pay my 7 dollars sit down and listen to some bands. Its a "early release party" or whatever and I'm like "What the heck? What is an early release party? There are like 3 bands playing are they all releasing albums?" I dont' think so, but I'm still going no matter what happened because the last gig I missed was some serious rockatude and hell, if this is a folk concert I'll still will be happy to go. I get to see some of my friends that I met this summer (I hope that they are going) and I can be like "how is school? School is a drag for me because I might have too much going on". No lie, I'm only going to school for Guitar club and to keep up my grades to at least a B in every class which is kind of challenging when people call you "sir" and you almost have to beat someone up for calling you "blue lunchbox kid". But I think I'll just have to write about that later.

Honest truth.

The honest truth is that I needed to vent my feelings about how I felt this Friday.  I'm not always this "mad" or whatever, but I do have to say that I'm don't want to hide my feelings if the people around me want to see how I feel about things. Honestly, I wish that that I had a magic wand and get all the things that I can manifest.

I made a promise to myself that I'm going to get through this week and write about it and go to the concert and (hopefully) start a mosh pit. I'm not sure if I'm inviting anyone because my friends don't really do the "punk rock mosh pit" thing, and that is fine with me :)

Well, I'm going to post later (hopefully) and I'm going to be guilty to do the "double post".  I"m going to take advantage of the 30% -40% off sale at the record store. I hope I can nab something good!

Self Esteeem in Low Regard.

So last week wasn't looking good in the first place, and then when I try to talk to my Debate coaches about the things that we need to be worked on so that we can actually WIN something this year, I get called out on all of my faults and and things are suddenly MY fault and not the captains fault because I bring it to the forefront. Ever since third period Friday I haven't really felt like myself and I had the bad thoughts of harming myself instead of others. I spend the majority of yesterday on the couch and felt pretty blue and kind of mad at the world for taking my happiness away and giving me this bullshit to deal with instead of all of the good things that should be in my life right now.  But it is hard to focus on the good things when the voices inside you are telling you that you "Can't do anything because you never are good enough".

Let me just say it, I hate myself sometimes. I don't hate myself when I'm happy though because I'm focusing on all of the good things inside of me to care about all of this. So when I'm happy, I don't really care what is going on inside of me and I really don't care about anyone else. But when I'm sad, I'm sad and I start to think about all of those "bad" things that I forgot about when I was happy.

What are the "bad things"? Well, the bad things can be anything varying from day to day. On Friday I was worrying about if I had the "guts" to be on the team. Deep down inside that I know that I have the "guts" to be on the team, but myself is conflicting with myself and I really have no idea what to do about it. With Debate and even life, I'm always striving for perfection and I do have to say that it is kind of bad to just be obsessed with obsession. For example lets just say that my goal for the meet day is to break to third round and try to end third round with at least 50-49 points. When I'm on my "highs" I can reach this goal, and I might even have a true shot of getting to finals, but it always ends the same, I never get to finals, I break around 30-29 points and I always loose. At the end of the day I always ask myself "Why did I even try?". It is disheartening,it really is and I want to change, but I honestly don't know how to.

Sometimes it isn't even me, it can be other people.  When I see someone with their "significant other" something there is not a time where I don't say "Why am I always single?". Once I think this, then it kind of sets me on the slippery slope into negative thoughts. The thoughts just pop up into my head like little text messages "They broke up with you because you never had the guts to say that you loved them" or "I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. No one loves me anyway.". I don't want to be a sand bag on anyone's emotions, but I think this is the reason why no one "likes" me. Yeah, it sucks when you have a really good friend and you ask them out and you have a relationship for a while and then they dump you out of the blue beacuse I'm too "passive aggressive",  "too dependent on them" and "never show my real feelings".As if that was bad on its own, then I found out that they were cheating on me with their best friend. I have been single for going on 3 years now and it isn't a good feeling.

Then my friends come around and I do have to say that I try my darnest to keep my cool around my friends, but my "real feelings" are always peeking though. Example: this summer, I tried almost every week to talk to my friends or just try to do something fun because I was feeling down myself, but what did I get? I always got that old, tired and lame excuse of "Oh, I'm doing something this weekend".  I try to tell them that I really need their help, but what do I always do? I just kind of lack when it is needed the most.  I don't even think that I have "friends" but more of the "people that I talk to when I see them in the hallway or when a thought reminds me of them". A friend for me is right next to me riding my own emotional roller coaster and is screaming right along with me. I don't see too much of that these days because I'm the metaphorical weight in my old friendships, and the friend who is just "there". I wish I was cool enough to talk to all of my friends about these things, but they won't care. They are just going to read it and say "oh well that sucks for her". Or if I did let them read this, then they would see that I'm not the same person inside and out and that will freak me out.

I think that I can only say "I hope you fall down a well and die" so many times. When you are me, there is at least one person wherever I go that I will be saying that too. I'm not mean, trust me. I'm as far as mean can get. But when people mess with me enough, I kind of just want to quit, give up and say "Go to hell and fall down a well" and then it is on to the next person. People hate me sometimes, and that isn't the low self esteem talking. I could talk about all of the times I've been hit, kicked, punched and waked but I wont. I just keep it inside of me and just something or someone will just do one little thing and I will explode like a volcano.

If it doesn't come out, then I will just keep it in. And thank God that I didn't kill myself this Friday. I just don't go and say "Oh, well my life sucks, let me go kill myself." I work my way up. I cry to start off because I'm upset. If crying doesn't work, then I try to do something fun, if that doesn't work, then I think bad thoughts, and if that doesn't work I try to talk to someone about it, but no one wants to talk. The last resort that I turn to is harming myself. I haven't harmed myself in about 3 or 4 years, which is a good thing, but when I feel like this, I just hurt myself with my own thoughts. I found it strange this weekend though because I just couldn't harm myself. I don't know if it was all me, but I just couldn't do it. I guess I had to write this instead.

The other debate coach kept repeating this quote with tears in their eyes but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. I was forgetting it on purpose, but it went along the lines of "go for what you want" and "get what you deserve". I want to say that I didn't care, but I do care about what was said. And I will try my best to get what I deserve in life, even if it takes a damn long time. I have another meeting with the coaches soon, and you can bet 3 dollars that something is going to change and it won't be a "pity party".

If you read all of this. Thank you. I really need someone right now.