Self Esteeem in Low Regard.

So last week wasn't looking good in the first place, and then when I try to talk to my Debate coaches about the things that we need to be worked on so that we can actually WIN something this year, I get called out on all of my faults and and things are suddenly MY fault and not the captains fault because I bring it to the forefront. Ever since third period Friday I haven't really felt like myself and I had the bad thoughts of harming myself instead of others. I spend the majority of yesterday on the couch and felt pretty blue and kind of mad at the world for taking my happiness away and giving me this bullshit to deal with instead of all of the good things that should be in my life right now.  But it is hard to focus on the good things when the voices inside you are telling you that you "Can't do anything because you never are good enough".

Let me just say it, I hate myself sometimes. I don't hate myself when I'm happy though because I'm focusing on all of the good things inside of me to care about all of this. So when I'm happy, I don't really care what is going on inside of me and I really don't care about anyone else. But when I'm sad, I'm sad and I start to think about all of those "bad" things that I forgot about when I was happy.

What are the "bad things"? Well, the bad things can be anything varying from day to day. On Friday I was worrying about if I had the "guts" to be on the team. Deep down inside that I know that I have the "guts" to be on the team, but myself is conflicting with myself and I really have no idea what to do about it. With Debate and even life, I'm always striving for perfection and I do have to say that it is kind of bad to just be obsessed with obsession. For example lets just say that my goal for the meet day is to break to third round and try to end third round with at least 50-49 points. When I'm on my "highs" I can reach this goal, and I might even have a true shot of getting to finals, but it always ends the same, I never get to finals, I break around 30-29 points and I always loose. At the end of the day I always ask myself "Why did I even try?". It is disheartening,it really is and I want to change, but I honestly don't know how to.

Sometimes it isn't even me, it can be other people.  When I see someone with their "significant other" something there is not a time where I don't say "Why am I always single?". Once I think this, then it kind of sets me on the slippery slope into negative thoughts. The thoughts just pop up into my head like little text messages "They broke up with you because you never had the guts to say that you loved them" or "I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. No one loves me anyway.". I don't want to be a sand bag on anyone's emotions, but I think this is the reason why no one "likes" me. Yeah, it sucks when you have a really good friend and you ask them out and you have a relationship for a while and then they dump you out of the blue beacuse I'm too "passive aggressive",  "too dependent on them" and "never show my real feelings".As if that was bad on its own, then I found out that they were cheating on me with their best friend. I have been single for going on 3 years now and it isn't a good feeling.

Then my friends come around and I do have to say that I try my darnest to keep my cool around my friends, but my "real feelings" are always peeking though. Example: this summer, I tried almost every week to talk to my friends or just try to do something fun because I was feeling down myself, but what did I get? I always got that old, tired and lame excuse of "Oh, I'm doing something this weekend".  I try to tell them that I really need their help, but what do I always do? I just kind of lack when it is needed the most.  I don't even think that I have "friends" but more of the "people that I talk to when I see them in the hallway or when a thought reminds me of them". A friend for me is right next to me riding my own emotional roller coaster and is screaming right along with me. I don't see too much of that these days because I'm the metaphorical weight in my old friendships, and the friend who is just "there". I wish I was cool enough to talk to all of my friends about these things, but they won't care. They are just going to read it and say "oh well that sucks for her". Or if I did let them read this, then they would see that I'm not the same person inside and out and that will freak me out.

I think that I can only say "I hope you fall down a well and die" so many times. When you are me, there is at least one person wherever I go that I will be saying that too. I'm not mean, trust me. I'm as far as mean can get. But when people mess with me enough, I kind of just want to quit, give up and say "Go to hell and fall down a well" and then it is on to the next person. People hate me sometimes, and that isn't the low self esteem talking. I could talk about all of the times I've been hit, kicked, punched and waked but I wont. I just keep it inside of me and just something or someone will just do one little thing and I will explode like a volcano.

If it doesn't come out, then I will just keep it in. And thank God that I didn't kill myself this Friday. I just don't go and say "Oh, well my life sucks, let me go kill myself." I work my way up. I cry to start off because I'm upset. If crying doesn't work, then I try to do something fun, if that doesn't work, then I think bad thoughts, and if that doesn't work I try to talk to someone about it, but no one wants to talk. The last resort that I turn to is harming myself. I haven't harmed myself in about 3 or 4 years, which is a good thing, but when I feel like this, I just hurt myself with my own thoughts. I found it strange this weekend though because I just couldn't harm myself. I don't know if it was all me, but I just couldn't do it. I guess I had to write this instead.

The other debate coach kept repeating this quote with tears in their eyes but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. I was forgetting it on purpose, but it went along the lines of "go for what you want" and "get what you deserve". I want to say that I didn't care, but I do care about what was said. And I will try my best to get what I deserve in life, even if it takes a damn long time. I have another meeting with the coaches soon, and you can bet 3 dollars that something is going to change and it won't be a "pity party".

If you read all of this. Thank you. I really need someone right now.