Good Luck Charm

From That Other Blog

This is my one pound coin from England. I found it on the street when I was walking around and it caught my eye. Ever since that day 3 years ago, I've carried it around in my pocket, and more recently, the change pocket in my wallet (it has a zipper, so it isn't going anywhere). I don't know why I found it, but I guess I looked down at the right time and I got lucky.

I finished this book not to long ago and it said something along the lines of "in order to keep your life in perspective, you should try to carry around something small with you to remind you of being alive and all of the memories that you've had". I put the book down and I seriously thought that that was the worst thing I've read in a book for a long time. But then I thought for a while. "Hey wait, I carry that gold coin in my pocket with me every day so I guess that this isn't too crazy of an idea".

The coin has a Dragon on it, and I always thought that Dragons are cool. They really stand for something in my mind. Dragons represent Courage and Strength and that is something I need every day. So I think it be pretty cool if I got something like this as a tattoo because it would be a pretty cool good luck charm for me to have. I'm not going to get it anytime soon, but I like having the "idea" of including something new in my life.

Single Summer

I woke up today and I started to get that feeling that everything is the same. I don't think it is the "summer life" that is getting to me, but I do think that its because I'm single.

My life is like this: I get up every day, go to work/school, come back home and play guitar for a while, get on-line and check my social networks, play some video games and get ready for bed. Yeah I'm so exciting right? Oh and if I'm not doing one of these things, it must be the weekend and I'm prepping/doing some serious ass kicking at something Debate related. That's even more exciting right? It really isn't. People tell me all the time "Oh you must be really good at Debate/Video Games/Guitar because that is all you do right? You are dedicated and that is awesome!" That is true, but I'm really lacking in the "interacting with people" department. Ironic right? You'd think that a Captain of the Speech and Debate team wouldn't have a problem with talking to other people right? And that is true, I can talk to people whenever I want to, as much as I want to as long as I don't plan on having a serious relationship with them. So in other words, I'm probably going to stay single for a while.

I don't like this thought, but it's true. I already know why; I'm too nice, and I'm just too "awkward" (to hell with that word, I'm finding something else to use). Hate me if you want to, but I've only been in 3 serious relationships in my life, and right before they all broke with me they all said said the same thing; "I like you and everything, but you are just too nice, and it feels like we didn't make it out of the friend stage." The first time I heard it, I was like "What? You have to be kidding me? How can someone be "too nice" in a relationship". I was sad for a while, but it didn't really get to me. Then when I heard it a second time, I said "What? You have to be kidding me? How could I be too nice again?". Then when my most recent ex broke up with me I said "What? You have to be kidding me? Why do they always break up with me like this? Am I just a softie? Am I as soft as jello?" (of course not).As you can tell, I'm not getting anywhere. Its all the same "I like you but (insert bad excuse here)". I don't know if I always go for jackasses or if it's me. I don't want to say that I date jackasses, because that is a lie, but I also don't want to say that its my fault for the lame relationships all the time.

I always used to say "I'm going to die alone with a stack of unpublished books by my bedside. Then people are going to realize that they missed out on a pretty cool person." I also used to say that "My ex is going to date me again when they realized that I was on my way to being someone on this green planet". I don't know what happened, but I stopped saying that. I don't know what happened this time, but I'm saying it again. Although I'm working my hardest to feel better (Trust me, I'm slowly starting to feel better every day!) I really, truly, from the bottom of my being, think that I'm going to die alone with a stack of unpublished books by my bedside.

I don't know what I'm going to do to stop myself from being single. But when I try...(Ok, funny story time). When I try, the person of my interest is taken, or isn't "out of the woods yet". I got involved with this person once, but I found out they were "taken" (they totally weren't! I know this for a fact) but at least I got a good friend out of it who thought that I was awkward and pretty cool. But I don't want to settle for friends, I just want to not be alone, in my room playing guitar on weekends. I don't know how I'm going to do this. There is a voice in my head saying that "Oh, this isn't true, you won't be single for the rest of your life, just wait for a little while longer and things will be great!" but I'm starting to doubt that. It is like waiting for the Tooth Fairy, you have that hope that she "might" come so you stay up late all night but you end up falling asleep. When you do wake up, you see that your tooth is gone. That is how I'm feeling now. I feel like I need to quit waiting around and let nature take its course. But how much longer do I have to wait? I'm starting to give up.

On being Awkward.

 People always call me awkward, but I came to the realization that I don't know what "awkward" is anyway. So I got online and found these definitions to see if I fit any of them.


1. (obsolete) In a backwards Direction.
This is an outdated term anyway. It would have been used in a way like "you are facing the awkward direction, please turn around". I don't stand in the backwards direction (well, not most of the time) so I don't think that people would be using this to describe me anyway.

2. Lacking dexterity in the use of the hands, or of instruments.
This is a true statement. I really can't use my hands when I'm nervous because I shake so much! Here is a story. I was at this Debate meet once (yeah, I know...) and I was trying to write down a question, and what do you know, right when I pick up my pen, its halfway across the room on the floor.

I think that I'm pretty good with my hands because I can type really fast (my best benchmark so far is 100 words per minute) and I play guitar, so at least I think that I'm good with my hands and dexterity. But I drop things a lot, and it always has to be around people, so I think that this definition is somewhat accurate.


3.Not easily managed or effected; embarrassing.
This is an adverbial phrase (or in other words, it modifies a verb). So if this was the case, we would be describing a situation. For example; When I drank the orange juice after I brushed my teeth, the taste was incredibly awkward. I'm not too hard to get along with, and I'm really not embarrassing at all, so that definition doesn't fit well.


4.Lacking social skills, or uncomfortable with social interaction.
Yeah. This is me. I love people and talking in front of people but for some reason, I just can't talk to people. Take for example, that kid I had a crush on in class last year. We didn't look like we had things in common, but we did. I however, had to bring some "weird" stuff into the conversation. (What else do you do when people are looking at you... in the EYES!)
"Um, did you hear about that kid who got suspended for bringing that confetti to 3rd period last week?"
"No, I didn't hear about that. Did you see it?"
"Ummm. No, but my friend did and they said that it was so funny. You know what I was at lunch 3rd period last week, I think you were looking at me and...Oh whoops."

See what I mean?

So I guess I'm closest to the 4th definition. I just don't get it, why don't people call me awkward so often. It is kind of obvious that I'm "different" and or "awkward" so why should that be pointed out to me all of the time? Heck, I guess that this is one of my pet peeves. Whatever, I think I'm used to being awkward anyway.

The big question

Ever since my last post, I've been trying to do something each day to get my mind off of feeling bad. Its working, and that is what I'm enjoying right now. Today I thought that it would be reasonable to write in this blog more, and just write more in general. Although I've been having fun reviewing albums on my music blog, I thought that it would be cool if I would "put some life into this blog". I want to say that "noting new has happened since the last post", but that would be a lie. A lot of things has happened since the last post and I'm pretty glad that I'm here to write about it and share it.

Every day, I wake up and say "I'm alive! I made it thought the night! Why am I awake? (alright, I say that sometimes, but not all the time. I never get enough sleep). But this conversion goes two ways; I usually brush it off and just go about my day, or I think about that question all day. Today was one of those days. I was sitting in my programing class and I had just enough "me time" to think about this question. I got it down to 3 simpler questions that I have to ask myself so that I can understand the big question "why am I here?"

What do I want to do with my life?

How can I achieve that?

How can I keep myself happy?

Those are the "big 3" that are always on my mind.

I guess we all want to answer the question "why we are here" but something is different about me, I'm thinking about this all the time because I didn't die on that one day (yeah, I forgot the date.). It's like this "If I'm here, then I'm here for a reason right?" and this is a true statement. Now that I think about it, I have a lot of reasons to stay alive. I don't know them all, but I know that I would be missing out on a lot of cool things if I'm not here in about a month. Heck, I'll be missing a lot of cool things if I wasn't here period (like a Sleater - Kinney reunion. It could happen people! Just believe!). And yes, I would also miss the kid who is like my "little sister". She plays drums and also listens to Sleater - Kinney. Her mom has purple hair, and I feel like I should have been in there family all along. I didn't think about it then, but I would feel so bad if she found out that I wasn't around anymore to help her play drums, or just around in general to play more of our crazy songs. So for now, I'll be around "just in case" any un-expected jam sessions just happen to pop up anytime soon.

Although this week is almost over, I'm still planning to do something relatively fun this weekend. My guitar needs to be cleaned, so I'm going to clean it and change the strings this weekend, so I can enjoy playing more. (I get distracted when I see dirt and grime on the strings of my guitar, and I hate it when the strings buzz.)

I'll blog tomorrow, or at least I should.

The Hardest Part

I've been trying to write this blog post for a while, but I think that this might be the hardest thing that I've have written in my life. I've been a writer for a while, and although I'm not that old, I've written a lot of things but none of them have taken me this long to write ever. I've been sitting in my room for the better part of three weeks trying to think of how I would write this post. I've gotten pretty close to what I wanted to say, and I think that this is as close as I'll ever get to writing about how I really feel inside and what I've been thinking for a while. Everything that you will read in this blog post is 100% true. I'm not making any of this up so that I could get blog hits, nor am I writing this out of pity to make myself feel better. I'm really writing how I feel, and none of this is going to be self censored by me.

If you haven't know me for that long, or if you known me for a while, you should know that I've been diagnosed with Depression 4 or so years ago, and I've been getting depressive episodes every now and then. But for the past month now, things are just as bad or worse as they were when things first started. Things have gotten so bad, I've been close to killing myself for the past 3 or so years, but last month was the most serious, most extreme attempt that I had. Although I didn't go to the hospital or anything, I was as close as I've ever been to dying.

I didn't really "plan" it but I knew how I was going to do it. I used to be a biology nerd, and I realized that if I cut my Ulnar artery deep enough (the big blue thing traveling through your wrist), then I could just bleed to death and then then everything would be over and that I wouldn't have to deal with anything. I had text messaged several people, and I took those peoples advice and I didn't do anything to badly harm myself. I do have some scars on my left arm, but that was just from "mapping" out where I would cut across my arm. They aren't really deep scars and they healed up quickly.

I haven't really told anyone about this until now because I was afraid of two things; I didn't want to loose my friends, and I didn't want people to think that I'm crazy for trying to kill myself. I'm not sure if you know how that feels. Its like being really sick with a disease. You could tell people that you are sick, and then get the help that you needed, but become increasingly isolated whilst getting better, or you could not tell people that you are sick, do the things that you would normally do, keep the people around you, but die because you didn't get the help that you needed. So you can tell what kind of a place I'm in right now. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I know that I'm going to loose some friends when they read this. I know that I'm going to be judged for killing myself. I know that people are going to think that I'm crazy and will just drop talking to me all together. If you are one of those people that will stop talking to me after I'm done saying what I really need to say, I totally understand how you feel, but just remember what you are doing. I don't suggest walking out on a person in need of help, but if you want to do that, then do it.

The second worse day of my life was walking into school the next day and trying to "act" like nothing happened. I didn't put a bandage or anything on my arm (I should have) but I did have on a hoodie in near 90 degree weather. That isn't too uncomon for me because I always wear a hoodie, but some people had to ask me questions. I honestly didn't want to answer back, but I had to. "No nothing is wrong. Why do you ask?". And even if the people that I do know asked me why I looked so "different" that day, I did the "I was up really late looking over my notes for finals, and I didn't really get that much sleep that night." but in reality, I was crying my eyes out which gave me bloodshot eyes, and I didn't sleep that night because I was so scared about what happened. But I just couldn't tell them all that I almost killed myself because I didn't want whatever welfare agency coming to my house, asking me questions, parents going to jail because they didn't do anything and me staying at a foster home because mine is not "safe" anymore. I would have liked to tell someone how I felt, but in reality, why would I do that?

A day or too later, I was in some really hot water with some classmates of mine. I probably won't forget this conversation as long as I live:

Classmate One: "Hey are you alright today? You don't look very good"
Classmate Two:"You look sick, do you need to go to the nurse or anyone?"
Me: "No I'm good."
Classmate Two:"Are you sure? You probably are getting a heatstroke, you should take off that hooide of yours"
Me:(I got lucky because I had bandaged my arm that day) "Alright fine, but I'm only pushing up my sleeve up a little"

{Semi awkward silence}

Classmate One:"Hey whats that on your arm?"
Me:"*slight pause* Do we have to go over this now?"
Classmate One:"Yes. If we don't then we won't know whats wrong with you"

Alright, slight break from me. I could have easily said that I went to the hospital for an IV drip, and those "band-aids" on my arms were from where they missed, but I didn't. I told myself to be brave.

Me:"Well, fine, I cut my arm yesterday, but that’s all I'm telling you"
Classmate Two: "Oh, did you have an accident?"
Me:"Yes. Yes I did. I had a knife in my hand and I sneezed and bam, it slipped and now I got a cut on my arm."
Classmate One:"Wow. At least you are alright"

I don't know if they picked up on the truth that was in my statements, or if they just latched onto the humor in my words. It doesn't matter to me. What matters is that one of them texted me outside of class to see if everything was ok and that "if you wanted to talk about anything, that you I have their number". What does matter is that I did talk to them, but I didn't say anything about being on my floor for 30 minutes thinking about slicing my arm open. That is why I'm writing this. If there is a chance that you are reading this, I'm sorry that I lied, or at least didn't tell you that I was on my floor for 30 minutes.

Now that I think about it, I've been such an jackass to people when I should have been asking for help from them. Here is an example: I was having a really hard day and all I wanted to do is eat my sandwich and leave so I could be alone and play Angry Birds by myself. I was tense and nervous because the night before wasn't a good night for me. All day, people asked me "Hey, are you alright?" and you know how I responded. Someone at our table asked me "Hey, you don't look too good today? Tell us what is wrong." What I did next shocked me because I'm not quick to anger, and I definitely don't get mad when I'm out in public. "Hey NOTHING IS WRONG! QUIT ASKING ME! I'm tired of YOU PEOPLE asking me if I'm ALRIGHT! Just SHUT UP and let me eat IN QUIET!" after that I felt better, but at the same time I didn't feel better at all. I'm sorry if I sounded pretty angry, and I'm sorry if I made your day pretty bad. It's hard when you are trying to hide something, but people want to know if you feel better or not and they keep asking you if you feel ok today and you really don't. It is harder when you are trying to keep something from everyone you know outside your house.

Most of the time when I do get close enough to people to let them in in my life and they release how I'm feeling I never tell them what really happens in my life. I guess you can say that I'm afraid of telling people anything because I'm afraid to get "close". I told my best friend about how things were 3 years ago, but I transferred and I never seen them again. I told my ex how I felt and they told me that "I get to angry, and because I get too angry, I don't need to date them anymore." I told my other "good" friend about this, and they thought that I was "kidding". I can't believe these people sometimes. I know that saying, "If they can't tell when you are serious and when you are joking, they are not your friend" but I don't know what I can say to that. I don't know if that is true or not. Most of the time, my friends know about how "sarcastic I am" and "how I'm very "monotone" (I despise that word! I'm not monotone at all, I'm just tired. Seriously) and how "even if she was sad we would know." but I don't they understand that at all. I'm not saying that everyone thinks I'm this way, but people should take a step back and look at me for what I am, and not what they think that I am. I'm sarcastic because it's my own defense to being picked on for so long (I do know how to use humor to my advantage). I'm "monotone" because you can't here me when I'm excited, heck, I never get excited at school. See me at a debate meet or something, I don't sound bland when I'm doing something that I love. I'm sad; that is true but you know why I don't tell anyone.

Recently, when the days and nights got bad, I took a muscle relaxer and I felt better (it isn't illegal for me, my doctor told me that I'm allowed to take some). When the days and nights got really bad, I've thought about getting "so wasted that I wouldn't wake up on time so that I could skip school the next day to recover, and I'll get wasted the next night so I'll never have to see those people again. Although I didn't do that, I've been having those thoughts more often. I've been getting more risky with myself. I want to get drunk, I want to smoke pot, I want to smoke tobacco so I could just "feel better" but that really won't help me at all because that isn't what I need at all. I need someone to listen. I know that Jack is nice to you if you are nice to him and drink him, and Ben and Jerry are there for you when you need to cry and eat some exotic ice cream. These things are not going to make me feel better at all. Where are my friends when I need them? Because I need them more than I need anyone right now.

I think that I should get a fresh start. Let me take the chance to introduce myself again. I'm a nice person. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm complex. I'm giving. I'm interested in you if you are interested in me. I'm not a freak. I'm awkward sometimes, but if I wasn't awkward, I wouldn't be me. I' get lonely sometimes. I stare at my cell phone and I wonder if I will ever get a text back from the person I texted 4 hours ago. I'm not clingy, I just miss the people I'm with. I wonder if I'll ever be in a “real” relationship. Most of the things you've heard about me are wrong. I'm not that bad when you get to know me. I'm sarcastic sometimes, but that is only when I'm nervous. I'm Captain of the Speech and Debate team. I'm a musician. I record music in my bedroom. I'm afraid to be happy. I’m a blogger. Every night I wish that my life would get a little bet better every day. I collect albums in my spare time. I only had 3 best friends in my life. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I “really” tried to kill myself once, but I promise that I won't as long as you are here on this crazy, crazy ride with me. I want to know about you. Will you let me know you?

I met my hero once at a chance accident at a concert once. (I think they heard about my blog, and they might be reading this now, if so Hi!). Anyway, she told me "Don't quit playing guitar. Keep playing. Keep doing what you do. If you do what you love everyday then you will be happy wherever you are and wherever you go. If you don't remember anything else, remember this: The world needs people like you, and if you end up leaving, then the world will be sad that you are gone. By the way, I like your shirt!" That quote went through my head right when I had my knife next to my wrist. I waited a few moments, and then I realized that I really shouldn't be gone. There is still a lot of stuff that I want to do and I'm going to put my best effort into doing that every day. If you said that, (you know who you are) Thanks for saving my life.

If you read all of this, no matter how long it took you. Thank You too. Thanks for understanding and reading all of this. I might have sounded somewhat bitter, but trust me, I wasn't trying to do that at all. I was just trying to tell the world how I fell and I'm glad that I did. I know you and you want to talk to me, you probably have my number so text me. I'm always with my phone. If you don't know me and you still want to talk to me for some reason, instant message me on aim: riotxgrrlxamy. I'm always online.



Thanks a bunch.