If you haven't know me for that long, or if you known me for a while, you should know that I've been diagnosed with Depression 4 or so years ago, and I've been getting depressive episodes every now and then. But for the past month now, things are just as bad or worse as they were when things first started. Things have gotten so bad, I've been close to killing myself for the past 3 or so years, but last month was the most serious, most extreme attempt that I had. Although I didn't go to the hospital or anything, I was as close as I've ever been to dying.
I didn't really "plan" it but I knew how I was going to do it. I used to be a biology nerd, and I realized that if I cut my Ulnar artery deep enough (the big blue thing traveling through your wrist), then I could just bleed to death and then then everything would be over and that I wouldn't have to deal with anything. I had text messaged several people, and I took those peoples advice and I didn't do anything to badly harm myself. I do have some scars on my left arm, but that was just from "mapping" out where I would cut across my arm. They aren't really deep scars and they healed up quickly.
I haven't really told anyone about this until now because I was afraid of two things; I didn't want to loose my friends, and I didn't want people to think that I'm crazy for trying to kill myself. I'm not sure if you know how that feels. Its like being really sick with a disease. You could tell people that you are sick, and then get the help that you needed, but become increasingly isolated whilst getting better, or you could not tell people that you are sick, do the things that you would normally do, keep the people around you, but die because you didn't get the help that you needed. So you can tell what kind of a place I'm in right now. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I know that I'm going to loose some friends when they read this. I know that I'm going to be judged for killing myself. I know that people are going to think that I'm crazy and will just drop talking to me all together. If you are one of those people that will stop talking to me after I'm done saying what I really need to say, I totally understand how you feel, but just remember what you are doing. I don't suggest walking out on a person in need of help, but if you want to do that, then do it.
The second worse day of my life was walking into school the next day and trying to "act" like nothing happened. I didn't put a bandage or anything on my arm (I should have) but I did have on a hoodie in near 90 degree weather. That isn't too uncomon for me because I always wear a hoodie, but some people had to ask me questions. I honestly didn't want to answer back, but I had to. "No nothing is wrong. Why do you ask?". And even if the people that I do know asked me why I looked so "different" that day, I did the "I was up really late looking over my notes for finals, and I didn't really get that much sleep that night." but in reality, I was crying my eyes out which gave me bloodshot eyes, and I didn't sleep that night because I was so scared about what happened. But I just couldn't tell them all that I almost killed myself because I didn't want whatever welfare agency coming to my house, asking me questions, parents going to jail because they didn't do anything and me staying at a foster home because mine is not "safe" anymore. I would have liked to tell someone how I felt, but in reality, why would I do that?
A day or too later, I was in some really hot water with some classmates of mine. I probably won't forget this conversation as long as I live:
Classmate One: "Hey are you alright today? You don't look very good"
Classmate Two:"You look sick, do you need to go to the nurse or anyone?"
Me: "No I'm good."
Classmate Two:"Are you sure? You probably are getting a heatstroke, you should take off that hooide of yours"
Me:(I got lucky because I had bandaged my arm that day) "Alright fine, but I'm only pushing up my sleeve up a little"
{Semi awkward silence}
Classmate One:"Hey whats that on your arm?"
Me:"*slight pause* Do we have to go over this now?"
Classmate One:"Yes. If we don't then we won't know whats wrong with you"
Alright, slight break from me. I could have easily said that I went to the hospital for an IV drip, and those "band-aids" on my arms were from where they missed, but I didn't. I told myself to be brave.
Me:"Well, fine, I cut my arm yesterday, but that’s all I'm telling you"
Classmate Two: "Oh, did you have an accident?"
Me:"Yes. Yes I did. I had a knife in my hand and I sneezed and bam, it slipped and now I got a cut on my arm."
Classmate One:"Wow. At least you are alright"
I don't know if they picked up on the truth that was in my statements, or if they just latched onto the humor in my words. It doesn't matter to me. What matters is that one of them texted me outside of class to see if everything was ok and that "if you wanted to talk about anything, that you I have their number". What does matter is that I did talk to them, but I didn't say anything about being on my floor for 30 minutes thinking about slicing my arm open. That is why I'm writing this. If there is a chance that you are reading this, I'm sorry that I lied, or at least didn't tell you that I was on my floor for 30 minutes.
Now that I think about it, I've been such an jackass to people when I should have been asking for help from them. Here is an example: I was having a really hard day and all I wanted to do is eat my sandwich and leave so I could be alone and play Angry Birds by myself. I was tense and nervous because the night before wasn't a good night for me. All day, people asked me "Hey, are you alright?" and you know how I responded. Someone at our table asked me "Hey, you don't look too good today? Tell us what is wrong." What I did next shocked me because I'm not quick to anger, and I definitely don't get mad when I'm out in public. "Hey NOTHING IS WRONG! QUIT ASKING ME! I'm tired of YOU PEOPLE asking me if I'm ALRIGHT! Just SHUT UP and let me eat IN QUIET!" after that I felt better, but at the same time I didn't feel better at all. I'm sorry if I sounded pretty angry, and I'm sorry if I made your day pretty bad. It's hard when you are trying to hide something, but people want to know if you feel better or not and they keep asking you if you feel ok today and you really don't. It is harder when you are trying to keep something from everyone you know outside your house.
Most of the time when I do get close enough to people to let them in in my life and they release how I'm feeling I never tell them what really happens in my life. I guess you can say that I'm afraid of telling people anything because I'm afraid to get "close". I told my best friend about how things were 3 years ago, but I transferred and I never seen them again. I told my ex how I felt and they told me that "I get to angry, and because I get too angry, I don't need to date them anymore." I told my other "good" friend about this, and they thought that I was "kidding". I can't believe these people sometimes. I know that saying, "If they can't tell when you are serious and when you are joking, they are not your friend" but I don't know what I can say to that. I don't know if that is true or not. Most of the time, my friends know about how "sarcastic I am" and "how I'm very "monotone" (I despise that word! I'm not monotone at all, I'm just tired. Seriously) and how "even if she was sad we would know." but I don't they understand that at all. I'm not saying that everyone thinks I'm this way, but people should take a step back and look at me for what I am, and not what they think that I am. I'm sarcastic because it's my own defense to being picked on for so long (I do know how to use humor to my advantage). I'm "monotone" because you can't here me when I'm excited, heck, I never get excited at school. See me at a debate meet or something, I don't sound bland when I'm doing something that I love. I'm sad; that is true but you know why I don't tell anyone.
Recently, when the days and nights got bad, I took a muscle relaxer and I felt better (it isn't illegal for me, my doctor told me that I'm allowed to take some). When the days and nights got really bad, I've thought about getting "so wasted that I wouldn't wake up on time so that I could skip school the next day to recover, and I'll get wasted the next night so I'll never have to see those people again. Although I didn't do that, I've been having those thoughts more often. I've been getting more risky with myself. I want to get drunk, I want to smoke pot, I want to smoke tobacco so I could just "feel better" but that really won't help me at all because that isn't what I need at all. I need someone to listen. I know that Jack is nice to you if you are nice to him and drink him, and Ben and Jerry are there for you when you need to cry and eat some exotic ice cream. These things are not going to make me feel better at all. Where are my friends when I need them? Because I need them more than I need anyone right now.
I think that I should get a fresh start. Let me take the chance to introduce myself again. I'm a nice person. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm complex. I'm giving. I'm interested in you if you are interested in me. I'm not a freak. I'm awkward sometimes, but if I wasn't awkward, I wouldn't be me. I' get lonely sometimes. I stare at my cell phone and I wonder if I will ever get a text back from the person I texted 4 hours ago. I'm not clingy, I just miss the people I'm with. I wonder if I'll ever be in a “real” relationship. Most of the things you've heard about me are wrong. I'm not that bad when you get to know me. I'm sarcastic sometimes, but that is only when I'm nervous. I'm Captain of the Speech and Debate team. I'm a musician. I record music in my bedroom. I'm afraid to be happy. I’m a blogger. Every night I wish that my life would get a little bet better every day. I collect albums in my spare time. I only had 3 best friends in my life. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I “really” tried to kill myself once, but I promise that I won't as long as you are here on this crazy, crazy ride with me. I want to know about you. Will you let me know you?
I met my hero once at a chance accident at a concert once. (I think they heard about my blog, and they might be reading this now, if so Hi!). Anyway, she told me "Don't quit playing guitar. Keep playing. Keep doing what you do. If you do what you love everyday then you will be happy wherever you are and wherever you go. If you don't remember anything else, remember this: The world needs people like you, and if you end up leaving, then the world will be sad that you are gone. By the way, I like your shirt!" That quote went through my head right when I had my knife next to my wrist. I waited a few moments, and then I realized that I really shouldn't be gone. There is still a lot of stuff that I want to do and I'm going to put my best effort into doing that every day. If you said that, (you know who you are) Thanks for saving my life.
If you read all of this, no matter how long it took you. Thank You too. Thanks for understanding and reading all of this. I might have sounded somewhat bitter, but trust me, I wasn't trying to do that at all. I was just trying to tell the world how I fell and I'm glad that I did. I know you and you want to talk to me, you probably have my number so text me. I'm always with my phone. If you don't know me and you still want to talk to me for some reason, instant message me on aim: riotxgrrlxamy. I'm always online.
Thanks a bunch.
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