I didn't blog yesterday because I was so tired and fatigued from staying up late on Monday. As normal, I had to miss another concert due to me being tired, so I'm sorry if you really wanted to read about my life and all of that.
I haven't been doing too much today. I got up super late (around noon) and wrote 75% of my debate case. Whenever I'm on vacation, I have to do something because if I don't, I don't get enough sleep and when I don't get enough sleep, I sit on the couch all day and watch my DVD's and sleep. Hopefully, I won't be up late into the night doing homework because I'm worried.
It is might snow tomorrow, and I'm kind of happy if it does snow, but then again, I really had plans to go out and buy some CD's, albums, and some food (ice cream). I might still go out in it because no one will be out on a cold, snowy day in Denver.
I'm growing increasingly creative with the food in my home. Instead of making one cup of coffee, I make a whole batch of coffee that will last me 4-6 hours. Instead of baking "cookies" I put all of the dough into one pan, bake it, and then take a share of the batch. I think that I might be getting "stir crazy" because I haven't been out of the house in quite a long time.
Last night, I was kind of sad and I didn't know why. I started to drift asleep and out of nowhere, I think about how I got dumped by my best friend for my other good friend and how I cussed them out and made them cry. I couldn't sleep for too long after that. I opened my curtain and looked at the stars from my bed and fell asleep some time later. When I got up, I realized that I might have PTSD. No, I'm not saying that I "Have PTSD because I read the symptoms online" I am saying that I am highly likely to have it because I got over major depression about 2 years ago.
I got 150 dollars for Christmas, and I did want to spend most of it on CD's and things, but I'm really thinking about going to my Physiologist. I haven't gone in about a year or so, but I think that I need to. I can't tell my friends or family "I can't sleep at night because I keep thinking about all of the terrifying things that happened to me". I really can't. When I was depressed, everyone thought it was just a "phase" that I was going through and I would "get over it" sooner or later. I did get over it, but it took months of off and on medications, 2 psychologists (my parental didn't like one of them), transferring schools at in the most important time of my life, dealing with the fact that I would never see my friends again, getting bullied everyday, and just adapting to a new place. Sometimes I don't want to explain all of the stuff that I've gone through, but I know that one person would listen to me and that was my psychologist.
I don't know if I'm up for going though because I don't want to talk about the past 24 months in about a hour. I think that I might just chicken out like all of the other times when something important is about to to happen. I think it's time to do
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Back from vacation (sort of).
I've been on vacation for the past week, and I really didn't want to blog because I needed a break. So I still have a week left of vacation, and I thought that I would blog about some of my thoughts over vacation. Today, I'm going to talk about how insecure I feel about my future.
I'm feeling kind of worn out because I got finals and a new debate topic to worry about when I get back to school. I haven't taken a whack on my mountain of homework, and I can't sleep at night. I'm starting to go back into drinking coffee (one cup a day, with whipped cream). I really need a job, but I know that I won't be able to get one until summer when people go on vacation. My current band is about to break down and dissolve and I'm kind of worried about that too, I could just go back to being a solo artist, but I can't find the time in my "Blocked out" schedule. As you can see, I have too much to do without the time to do it.
I really felt like doing something yesterday, but I turned on my stereo and slept on the floor for a good 2 hours. I then sat in front of the TV and played Wii for 3 hours to forget about my life for a while. That was ok for a while, but when I had 3 nightmares in a row, I knew something was wrong. I've been up off and on for 6 hours and I'm somewhat scared to go back to sleep. If I can't sleep, than I won't be able to get my homework done.
This might just be circular thinking, but it is just hard to calm my brain down sometimes. When I can't calm my brain down, I usually stay up very late trying to make up for lost time, and then sleep when I almost pass out from doing too much work. Some people call me a procrastinator, but others call me a perfectionist; none of these are true. I'd rather call myself someone who works too much and get nothing in return. I came to realize that if I relax and calmly do my work, then I do get the good things in return, like 5th place. I'll see what I can do during the week to make everything as painless as possible. To top it off, I promised myself that I would be done with everything before Friday night.
I'm feeling kind of worn out because I got finals and a new debate topic to worry about when I get back to school. I haven't taken a whack on my mountain of homework, and I can't sleep at night. I'm starting to go back into drinking coffee (one cup a day, with whipped cream). I really need a job, but I know that I won't be able to get one until summer when people go on vacation. My current band is about to break down and dissolve and I'm kind of worried about that too, I could just go back to being a solo artist, but I can't find the time in my "Blocked out" schedule. As you can see, I have too much to do without the time to do it.
I really felt like doing something yesterday, but I turned on my stereo and slept on the floor for a good 2 hours. I then sat in front of the TV and played Wii for 3 hours to forget about my life for a while. That was ok for a while, but when I had 3 nightmares in a row, I knew something was wrong. I've been up off and on for 6 hours and I'm somewhat scared to go back to sleep. If I can't sleep, than I won't be able to get my homework done.
This might just be circular thinking, but it is just hard to calm my brain down sometimes. When I can't calm my brain down, I usually stay up very late trying to make up for lost time, and then sleep when I almost pass out from doing too much work. Some people call me a procrastinator, but others call me a perfectionist; none of these are true. I'd rather call myself someone who works too much and get nothing in return. I came to realize that if I relax and calmly do my work, then I do get the good things in return, like 5th place. I'll see what I can do during the week to make everything as painless as possible. To top it off, I promised myself that I would be done with everything before Friday night.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
How I stole fifth place.
Coming into the Debate meet this Saturday, I was guessing that I would just get my excellent ribbon and leave, but I don't know how I did it, but I captured the titled of 5th place in a little under 8 whole hours! Alright, my voice is still kind of messed up from it, and I have a wicked case of congestion, but looking at that trophy every morning is worth it.
I was kind of scared when I woke up on Saturday because I was feeling quite relaxed. I didn't do any case revisions, or evidence reading because I honestly was too tired to do anything else. I went to bed at around 11:30 and got up at the unholy hour of 5:00. I had some breakfast, got ready, got dressed and left around an hour later.
Rounds posted at 8 or so, but I had a hard time waking up. I got out my handy dandy Ipod and tried to get "pumped up" on the way there with some good punk rock tunes. Eventually, I realized that the room that I was scheduled in was in the other building. I grabbed my hat from my backpack and somehow made my way around 300 or so people. It was colder that I thought when I got outside and I was really happy when I got that hat on my head.
When I got into that building, I realized that the 700's were in the back of the building. Being the only one in the hallway (I'm a fast walker) I was there in no time. Seeing that no one was in the the hallway, I thought I would look into the room for a little (something you shouldn't do at a meet!). I knew that this would be an interesting meet because I seen a piano, composers and music notes; I would have never thought I would be debating in a Choir room! Eventually, my opponent and the judge showed up and the round got underway. Halfway though, I got somewhat scared because I lost confidence in my case; apparently the judge could see that in the round because my ballot said that I "could try to be more confident in my case because you are a good debater, you just have to believe in yourself."
After the round was over, I got kind of mad my teammates didn't say "How'd your round go?" so I grabbed a chair and parked it in front of the tin of mini Christmas cookies and ate about 5 of them. For the rest of the downtime between rounds, I listened to more music, and tested my friends to see if they would text me back in time before 2nd round posted (that never happened). Postings went up at 9:45ish and I went off to second round.
More waiting, different building same thing as last round. I talked to one of my friends for the better part of an hour just trying to make jokes and cut the nerves before I went off to speak. The room was a little bit different, but it still had the same "odd" vibe as the last room. We went in after the first wave of debaters left. The room this time it was a "Science research room/ library". The offices were being used and me and my friend really couldn't wait to start the round because one of the judges yelled "NO TALKING! ROUNDS ARE IN PROGRESS!" I whispered "see you latter" to my comrade, and shook my opponents hand. The guy was a pasty pale redhead with glasses, who said he was form the southern part of the state that I have never heard of or seen. As for manners, he was decent with them and the round was somewhat pleasing. I thought that I would have suffered a loss, but I really started to be angered when I realized that my opponent started to call me "He". Now, I have issues when people mistake me for a guy (If you see me, you will know that I look NOTHING like a guy) so I had to convince myself that my opponent was making a personal attack towards me. I really didn't know how to say it, but instead of making a big deal out of it, I kept the fury of the attack I had in mind and put it towards his case and then ended up winning. The judge gave me a good tip of advice, "Spend more of your time attacking your opponent and then tell me why you win." Gender jokes or not, this was a good round.
Got back around 11:15, talked to my debate buddy, and we looked over some evidence cards. I opened my backpack and took out my secret weapon, Monster Energy drink. I don't drink this often, but when I do it provides a tremendous boost of energy and confidence to myself and my case. A friend of mine that graduated told me to "drink it whenever I felt like I couldn't win". I slowly opened the can and watched the cold fog from the can float into the air.
After I had about a 4th of my drink, me and my buddy went to stand by the posting board. We were there for about 15 minutes and the big "boss" captain had to stand with us because "we can't do anything without the captains approval first" (I'm done with that witty comment). We met some kids from different schools, talked about how 1.75 is a high price for a burrito. And then out of the haughty captains mouth "It is bad luck to stand by the postings for too long." In my brain, I just gave a "Whatever" and walked it off. 15 minutes later, postings went up.
Back to the other building, I ran outside without my hat, beat the rush of people like last time, and arrived to my round 10 minutes before my opponent came. To be concise, I was surprised, you don't normally see Women who "dress down" at meets (by dressing down, I mean dress slacks, button up and converse. I normally do the colored button up with gray or black slacks and a suit jacket to "finish everything off)It was odd because my opponent kept staring at me, not like the "I'm going to destroy you" stare, but more of the "your kind of cool in a hot way" stare. It really didn't get to me because I get it all the time. It then occurred to them that they probably should say something: "Oh hey, how are you today?" "I'm fine" I didn't want to sound too arrogant, so I started to talk a little, "I see you got a newspaper, anything good?". They replied, "Not really, I guess this place is having a winter concert soon." I don't care for concerts really, (or not these kind")"That's neat." More awkward staring. I went back to my Ipod and fooled around with that for a while and then I seen that they left. I took a walk around break for 20 or so minutes with my energy drink and finished it all. When I came back, they were back reading that same newspaper. Out of boredom, I got all philosphocal and thought about my friend who lives on the other side of the country that is probably worried sick about me right now. I'm worried sick about them. (If you are reading this, I'm ok.)
Right when my thoughts started to get good, the door opened and the people from the last round came in. I sat down at my table, took a quick glance at my opponent, looked at my papers, and then started to see that my hands were shaking because I had the jitters. Eventually, I let that past me and I read my speech with confidene and poise and just felt proud of myself. I got mad beacuse, my opponet had this high pitched, wailing naisly voice that I didn't hear in our awakward conversation and I realised that this must be a front to make the judge vote or them. Anyway, I hammered in my points, and gave them a 5 point loss, something that is RARELY heard of in Debate, and something that I have NEVER dished out to anyone in my 3 years of debating. Anyway, I offered the post round hanshake, and I found it sickining because the other half of the handshake was slimely. I think I take that back.
Back to the meeting room, more cookies, some water, more music, more waiting. I was going to play a card game with my other friend, but somthing was telling me no. I looked around the room and just looked out the window in a trance like gaze and then I heard my name; "Hey! You made it!". "Into what?" I asked? "To Finals!". I never would have thought that I would make it into finals at this meet after loosing all 3 rounds last week and being pissed off at the whole team. I was just so exicted to go to finals I almost had a heart attack(what did I say about those drinks?)
Anyway, I threw down at finals, I did everythig like the last round that I won. The only thing that got me mad was the fact that my oppponet didn't see my evidence and said that I "didn't have any" and that "stats carry more weight than logic". If we wanted to think her way, then money would be better for you than food. I only did this once, but what I did was say "if you want to look at my opponents logic, then I don't deserve to win today just because she says so. Basiclly, I want you to throw out what she said [my opponent] about me having no case and no merit, I don't want to win on her rules, I want to win on the ones I offered which are fair for both sides, I'm leaving it up to you today, because we are pretty even as is, and I don't care if I loose, at I'll loose a good round."
You could see that they really wanted to give the win to me, but I lost by 1 point on two judges and 3 on another (you get 3 judges in a final round). I think the judge that gave me the 3 point loss was a newbie, because there really wasnt' anything on the ballot to say how I did. Anyway, when I was called up on stage I was nervous, and as they kept calling the names, I still stood up there, but once they called 5th place, I proudly took my trophy and left the stage knowing that I did the best that I have done so far.
I was kind of scared when I woke up on Saturday because I was feeling quite relaxed. I didn't do any case revisions, or evidence reading because I honestly was too tired to do anything else. I went to bed at around 11:30 and got up at the unholy hour of 5:00. I had some breakfast, got ready, got dressed and left around an hour later.
Rounds posted at 8 or so, but I had a hard time waking up. I got out my handy dandy Ipod and tried to get "pumped up" on the way there with some good punk rock tunes. Eventually, I realized that the room that I was scheduled in was in the other building. I grabbed my hat from my backpack and somehow made my way around 300 or so people. It was colder that I thought when I got outside and I was really happy when I got that hat on my head.
When I got into that building, I realized that the 700's were in the back of the building. Being the only one in the hallway (I'm a fast walker) I was there in no time. Seeing that no one was in the the hallway, I thought I would look into the room for a little (something you shouldn't do at a meet!). I knew that this would be an interesting meet because I seen a piano, composers and music notes; I would have never thought I would be debating in a Choir room! Eventually, my opponent and the judge showed up and the round got underway. Halfway though, I got somewhat scared because I lost confidence in my case; apparently the judge could see that in the round because my ballot said that I "could try to be more confident in my case because you are a good debater, you just have to believe in yourself."
After the round was over, I got kind of mad my teammates didn't say "How'd your round go?" so I grabbed a chair and parked it in front of the tin of mini Christmas cookies and ate about 5 of them. For the rest of the downtime between rounds, I listened to more music, and tested my friends to see if they would text me back in time before 2nd round posted (that never happened). Postings went up at 9:45ish and I went off to second round.
More waiting, different building same thing as last round. I talked to one of my friends for the better part of an hour just trying to make jokes and cut the nerves before I went off to speak. The room was a little bit different, but it still had the same "odd" vibe as the last room. We went in after the first wave of debaters left. The room this time it was a "Science research room/ library". The offices were being used and me and my friend really couldn't wait to start the round because one of the judges yelled "NO TALKING! ROUNDS ARE IN PROGRESS!" I whispered "see you latter" to my comrade, and shook my opponents hand. The guy was a pasty pale redhead with glasses, who said he was form the southern part of the state that I have never heard of or seen. As for manners, he was decent with them and the round was somewhat pleasing. I thought that I would have suffered a loss, but I really started to be angered when I realized that my opponent started to call me "He". Now, I have issues when people mistake me for a guy (If you see me, you will know that I look NOTHING like a guy) so I had to convince myself that my opponent was making a personal attack towards me. I really didn't know how to say it, but instead of making a big deal out of it, I kept the fury of the attack I had in mind and put it towards his case and then ended up winning. The judge gave me a good tip of advice, "Spend more of your time attacking your opponent and then tell me why you win." Gender jokes or not, this was a good round.
Got back around 11:15, talked to my debate buddy, and we looked over some evidence cards. I opened my backpack and took out my secret weapon, Monster Energy drink. I don't drink this often, but when I do it provides a tremendous boost of energy and confidence to myself and my case. A friend of mine that graduated told me to "drink it whenever I felt like I couldn't win". I slowly opened the can and watched the cold fog from the can float into the air.
After I had about a 4th of my drink, me and my buddy went to stand by the posting board. We were there for about 15 minutes and the big "boss" captain had to stand with us because "we can't do anything without the captains approval first" (I'm done with that witty comment). We met some kids from different schools, talked about how 1.75 is a high price for a burrito. And then out of the haughty captains mouth "It is bad luck to stand by the postings for too long." In my brain, I just gave a "Whatever" and walked it off. 15 minutes later, postings went up.
Back to the other building, I ran outside without my hat, beat the rush of people like last time, and arrived to my round 10 minutes before my opponent came. To be concise, I was surprised, you don't normally see Women who "dress down" at meets (by dressing down, I mean dress slacks, button up and converse. I normally do the colored button up with gray or black slacks and a suit jacket to "finish everything off)It was odd because my opponent kept staring at me, not like the "I'm going to destroy you" stare, but more of the "your kind of cool in a hot way" stare. It really didn't get to me because I get it all the time. It then occurred to them that they probably should say something: "Oh hey, how are you today?" "I'm fine" I didn't want to sound too arrogant, so I started to talk a little, "I see you got a newspaper, anything good?". They replied, "Not really, I guess this place is having a winter concert soon." I don't care for concerts really, (or not these kind")"That's neat." More awkward staring. I went back to my Ipod and fooled around with that for a while and then I seen that they left. I took a walk around break for 20 or so minutes with my energy drink and finished it all. When I came back, they were back reading that same newspaper. Out of boredom, I got all philosphocal and thought about my friend who lives on the other side of the country that is probably worried sick about me right now. I'm worried sick about them. (If you are reading this, I'm ok.)
Right when my thoughts started to get good, the door opened and the people from the last round came in. I sat down at my table, took a quick glance at my opponent, looked at my papers, and then started to see that my hands were shaking because I had the jitters. Eventually, I let that past me and I read my speech with confidene and poise and just felt proud of myself. I got mad beacuse, my opponet had this high pitched, wailing naisly voice that I didn't hear in our awakward conversation and I realised that this must be a front to make the judge vote or them. Anyway, I hammered in my points, and gave them a 5 point loss, something that is RARELY heard of in Debate, and something that I have NEVER dished out to anyone in my 3 years of debating. Anyway, I offered the post round hanshake, and I found it sickining because the other half of the handshake was slimely. I think I take that back.
Back to the meeting room, more cookies, some water, more music, more waiting. I was going to play a card game with my other friend, but somthing was telling me no. I looked around the room and just looked out the window in a trance like gaze and then I heard my name; "Hey! You made it!". "Into what?" I asked? "To Finals!". I never would have thought that I would make it into finals at this meet after loosing all 3 rounds last week and being pissed off at the whole team. I was just so exicted to go to finals I almost had a heart attack(what did I say about those drinks?)
Anyway, I threw down at finals, I did everythig like the last round that I won. The only thing that got me mad was the fact that my oppponet didn't see my evidence and said that I "didn't have any" and that "stats carry more weight than logic". If we wanted to think her way, then money would be better for you than food. I only did this once, but what I did was say "if you want to look at my opponents logic, then I don't deserve to win today just because she says so. Basiclly, I want you to throw out what she said [my opponent] about me having no case and no merit, I don't want to win on her rules, I want to win on the ones I offered which are fair for both sides, I'm leaving it up to you today, because we are pretty even as is, and I don't care if I loose, at I'll loose a good round."
You could see that they really wanted to give the win to me, but I lost by 1 point on two judges and 3 on another (you get 3 judges in a final round). I think the judge that gave me the 3 point loss was a newbie, because there really wasnt' anything on the ballot to say how I did. Anyway, when I was called up on stage I was nervous, and as they kept calling the names, I still stood up there, but once they called 5th place, I proudly took my trophy and left the stage knowing that I did the best that I have done so far.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
In heat
I'm still kind of mad from this weekend, and I'm still around the same people (that isn't helping me out any.) So far, the people who said hello are the ones who piss me off the most. If just one thing rubs me the wrong way tonight, then I'm going up in flames like a barbecue with too much lighter fluid. It is getting harder to mini blog when people are looking qt me type. I'll be on the ball later.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
All due respect.
I lost a debate today, but that doesn't really matter to me. It doesn't really matter to me if I win or not now, the thing that really matters is trying to get the reward that I deserve from all the work I put in. This is really making me mad, so I'll do a good job explaining.
Now debate, is something close to my heart. I've been sacrificing every weekend for the past 3 years towards the betterment of my debate career. If that doesn't sound like a lot, then something must not be connecting. I've missed weekends of music, painting, hanging out with friends, and just enjoying myself. I miss just sleeping on weekends and just not having to worry about anything. I think that somewhere in this "haze" I forgot about what really mattered to me, I couldn't tell because I was so infused with just being "better" and doing "better" than I did last time. I feel like sometimes, I can't get back into being a "normal" person with "normal" things to do. Recently, I've been feeling as if my efforts are not worth doing in the first place. That was one of the major issues with today.
I wasn't having a good day anyway (getting up at 5:30 doesn't help any). First round was delayed by 2 hours, people were getting on my nerves, people wanted to play the "blame game" all day long. People just flat out sucked today, and I never think that negative. When I think negative sometimes, then I think about things that I would otherwise "block" out of my head. Unfortunately today, I had to think about how sucky of a job that our coaches are doing to help us WIN something. I don't really get mad at people at all, but when people talk to me like I'm stupid, then we are going to have issues.
This really started last year when I lost the bid for team captain. I really wanted to be captain, and I did what I could to say "Hey, I'm going to be the best darn captain ever". When the flawed voting system didn't work out for me, I got sad. If that wasn't enough, I found out the the kid who used to make fun of me 2 or 3 years before made captain, then I really got pissed off. They announced who wast to be the captains at a team party, and I ended up leaving not even 5 minutes after. That next Monday, they are blaming me for not "Taking the loss in stride" and not "being a good role model". I got hashed because "everything is my fault". I had to tune it out and hope for the best next season.
Next season comes around, I doubted that I would win one round out of three, but when I started to go 2-3 and had the high speaker points, I had hope for myself. In the first 2 months of debating, I got 66 or so points; a nice pace for someone who only had 200 or so over 2 years of debating. I'm progressing, and that is a good thing. The better thing is that I'm only 4 or so points off from getting into finals. But that doesn't matter to the "Captains" because they always break no mater the cost of the team, or even the cost of the other debaters. I wouldn't do that. Never will. When I see these liars get into finals without working working for it honestly like I do.
When I left the meet tonight, I wasn't acting "stressed out and angry towards others because I have a lot on my mind" like our coach said, but I was acting the way that I was because "I'm sick and tired of not getting the respect that I deserve from everyone". Hell, if I can give other people respect, why can't they do the same to me?
I've gotten used to being the "odd one out" on the team and I don't care about that anymore, I think I care more about the simple things, respect, hard work and truthfulness. If we could have these things on the team, then I wouldn't be half as mad as I am now.
I don't think that I'm going to talk to the head coaches by myself this time because the last time I did that, nothing happened. I want something to happen this time, not that mess I had the last time around. I just wish that I had the people who could help me out sometimes, but they always have to be 500 miles away.
Now debate, is something close to my heart. I've been sacrificing every weekend for the past 3 years towards the betterment of my debate career. If that doesn't sound like a lot, then something must not be connecting. I've missed weekends of music, painting, hanging out with friends, and just enjoying myself. I miss just sleeping on weekends and just not having to worry about anything. I think that somewhere in this "haze" I forgot about what really mattered to me, I couldn't tell because I was so infused with just being "better" and doing "better" than I did last time. I feel like sometimes, I can't get back into being a "normal" person with "normal" things to do. Recently, I've been feeling as if my efforts are not worth doing in the first place. That was one of the major issues with today.
I wasn't having a good day anyway (getting up at 5:30 doesn't help any). First round was delayed by 2 hours, people were getting on my nerves, people wanted to play the "blame game" all day long. People just flat out sucked today, and I never think that negative. When I think negative sometimes, then I think about things that I would otherwise "block" out of my head. Unfortunately today, I had to think about how sucky of a job that our coaches are doing to help us WIN something. I don't really get mad at people at all, but when people talk to me like I'm stupid, then we are going to have issues.
This really started last year when I lost the bid for team captain. I really wanted to be captain, and I did what I could to say "Hey, I'm going to be the best darn captain ever". When the flawed voting system didn't work out for me, I got sad. If that wasn't enough, I found out the the kid who used to make fun of me 2 or 3 years before made captain, then I really got pissed off. They announced who wast to be the captains at a team party, and I ended up leaving not even 5 minutes after. That next Monday, they are blaming me for not "Taking the loss in stride" and not "being a good role model". I got hashed because "everything is my fault". I had to tune it out and hope for the best next season.
Next season comes around, I doubted that I would win one round out of three, but when I started to go 2-3 and had the high speaker points, I had hope for myself. In the first 2 months of debating, I got 66 or so points; a nice pace for someone who only had 200 or so over 2 years of debating. I'm progressing, and that is a good thing. The better thing is that I'm only 4 or so points off from getting into finals. But that doesn't matter to the "Captains" because they always break no mater the cost of the team, or even the cost of the other debaters. I wouldn't do that. Never will. When I see these liars get into finals without working working for it honestly like I do.
When I left the meet tonight, I wasn't acting "stressed out and angry towards others because I have a lot on my mind" like our coach said, but I was acting the way that I was because "I'm sick and tired of not getting the respect that I deserve from everyone". Hell, if I can give other people respect, why can't they do the same to me?
I've gotten used to being the "odd one out" on the team and I don't care about that anymore, I think I care more about the simple things, respect, hard work and truthfulness. If we could have these things on the team, then I wouldn't be half as mad as I am now.
I don't think that I'm going to talk to the head coaches by myself this time because the last time I did that, nothing happened. I want something to happen this time, not that mess I had the last time around. I just wish that I had the people who could help me out sometimes, but they always have to be 500 miles away.
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