February hasn't been my month. So far, I had to survive a break up, endure valentines day alone, loose a friendship or two and adjust to single life. It hasn't been going too well. I keep saying to myself: "You can just text them your feelings, they know everything about relationships and I will feel better soon.". It isn't turning out that way though. If I wanted to do that, I would have to work out our friendship. I desperately want to, but I can't take that on right now. Everything just sucks. I think that if I attempted to say "Hello", I would probably would get my face punched in, or punch their face in. I just can't forget what how they treated me. I tried my ass off to get things done in that relationship and I didn't get anything in return. That isn't fair. I just can't come in a week or so later saying "Oh, I'm just going to forget how you treated me for those 43 days, I want to be your best friend again." That isn't going to happen, and it wont probably happen for a while.
My emotions have been all over the pace recently. Its been a great variety of angry, depressed, and just disappointed. I'm angry because I'm so stressed out and it feels like my life is spiraling out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm depressed because I can't talk to my friends or just anyone in general about whats going on in my life. And I'm disappointed because I'm putting my best effort into everything and my best effort isn't working. I get angry before anything. I admit it, I don't think things through sometimes, but I usually do.
Most of those times I choose to be angry. When I'm angry, I tend to punch things. Walls, pillows, doors, it doesn't matter. I punch with my right hand. Two or so weeks ago, I injured my hand pretty bad. I thought that I broke it, it was swollen, bruised and just painful. I didn't break it, but it sure felt like I did. I told the doctor that I dropped a 20 pound text book and my wist went the wrong way. I was punching a pillow yesterday while I was crying and I realized that I probably injured my wrist hitting something. It still isn't healed all of the way. I could probably benefit from some physical therapy, but I don't have any money for that right now.
I'm also trying to find a new Therapist. I thought it would be easy, but it is hard when you don't have a job that pays well (come on, I'm an artist for crying out loud! I "work" in the summer, I'm too busy with school to work) and when you can't open up to people (aka therapists) that well. So far I've burned though 5 therapists/psychologists/councilors in the past 4 years. It isn't cool when you go to a person asking for help, and you only go 3 times and leave because the price is too damn high. That really makes me frustrated. It feels like I need money to talk to people, and that I need money to get the help that I need.
It gets even worse because I can't even talk to my own friends. This is for a couple of reasons. First of all, most of them don't know that I've had fits of depression and bipolar disorder for the past 6 or so years. They don't know that I cry myself to sleep most nights because I'm so alone. They don't know that I haven't had a real conversation with a real friend since middle school. They don't know that I have to face the day every day with a "Smile on my face" because if I don't, I risk being singled out in my clubs and social endeavors. They don't know that I need them right now.
I know that things are going to get better sometimes. I wake up every morning saying "Today will be a good day. Nothing is going to stop me." but something always does. I thought today would be different than yesterday. I really thought that today would be the best day of the week. It wasn't. I could really go in depth with this, but when every day is the same, I really don't know when I things will get better. I'm not even sure if I have hope right now.
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