Spring Cleaning

Its Springtime again, and this is the time of year when I start to venture out of my metaphoric cave and get things done. I was sick last week and I spend a lot of time by myself. That got me thinking. To be short, I'm tired of being alone, stuck in my house, and not interacting with other people. So, I made the hard decision to make new friends. It isn't going so well.

I haven't had a group of "friends" since 8th grade (yes, that was a long time ago! Remember, I'm not that old!). My life has been pretty bad after that. I had to leave the security of my neighborhood and my best friends and transfer schools because I couldn't stand any of the pain that I had to face every day from those who hated me. Eventually, I transferred schools, and had an even harder time getting used to everything. I was angry, scared, confused and sad. Every day sucked for me. I had to rely on the only thing that was going to get me through the rush of life: academics. In short, I became a really smart geek who collected albums, listened to punk rock, went to concerts and debated every weekend (I still am that way). I was (and still am) isolated, and quite lonely.

Books can take you places that are far away, but they aren't a replacement for people. You can play as much guitar as you want to, but it isn't fun to play if anyone isn't listening. You can get to finals in debate as many times as you want to, but no one cheers with you when you win. You can go out on a Friday night, but it really doesn't matter if no one is with you. I'm tired of being by myself. I'm tried of doing things alone. I'm tired of having "friends" who are there with words, but not with feeings.

I'm lonely. I'm tired of being lonely. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who to talk to, or where to go, or how to feel. The only thing that I want right now is for someone to listen to me, and to hear me out for just a little while. I just want someone to tell me something other than "it gets better", because I'm not seeing it. I just wish someone was here. I want someone who isn't going to leave me when they "took what was needed". I just need someone who understands, and that is very hard to find right now.