Time for a Break

I'm finally on Spring Break. I'm getting away from it all by exploring Denver more than I normally do, and do some book shopping in Boulder. If I have some extra money, I'm going to go to the ice cream shop and see if I can talk to that cashier that I like so much. Anyway, I'm so excited to be on break. I've committed myself to blogging about my week off and the week afterword (aka, the National Qualifying Debate meet!).

This week sucked. I had 3 different exams, I was failing Chemistry (I'm not anymore) and I just had to deal with people who don't want to deal with me. I'm so tired of this, and I can't wait until I get home every day. I haven't been getting too much sleep, and waking up at 5:00 isn't fun either. It is starting to get nice outside and I really want to just go to the park ans swing on the swing and just relax for a while. I don't do the "fun things" in my life anymore because I don't have time for fun things anymore. This happened not too long ago. I was about to go to my favorite cafe for a coffee, but then I realized that I have that darn essay to write and that 65 pages of reading to do. But all of that is going to change though.

I've been thinking of making my outside appearance look like how I feel inside. I want to change my hairstyle. Right now, it is annoying me and it is also would allow me to make a small (yet large) change in my life. I'm going to cut it short, but not too short; it is going to stop around the base of my ears. I might get it layered so I can spike the middle part up like a faux-hawk or a semi-modified bob. I virtually want to wake up, style my hair for 5 minutes and then just leave and get my day underway.

I'm still trying to make new friends. It's going kind of slow, but I can't complain. I'm starting to talk to more people and the people around them, and I really haven't had any major issues yet. People still know me and that is kind of hard because the "me" on the outside isn't the "me" on the inside. I don't want to show up to class next week looking like the way I truly feel on the inside, but part of me wants to. I guess I really want to phase these "transitions" out. I'll start with my hair, and gradually start to improve everything else out.

I told myself that I would start to see more live music, and try to work it into my schedule. Hopefully, I can start to do this over break, and then increase my show going out load. If I try my best, then I can start playing small shows without the support of my band. I just find it hard when my band mates are in different states and aren't' committed to playing as I am. I also am in dire need of money right now. So, what else can I do to get a few dollars here and there? I can't just float around doing small odd jobs here and there, so why not try to make enough money to buy some new albums? (Just to clarify, I do have my own legitimate money from working odd jobs, I just don't want to it for the rest of my life, and I also don't play music so I can just make money. I'm not like that. Seriously.)

I love Colorado a lot. I was born here, my family is here, I and just flat out like being here. The thing is that I really don't like the people here. I've been dealing with the people here all of my life, they annoy me beyond end, and I just can't stand it anymore. Alright, I did find some pretty decent people here in Denver to hang out with, but I just think that it's time for a change. I decided that I'm going to find a place out of state to say, and just "start over". Who knows, I might be more "popular" than I am now? I just need people who understand me, and I just can't find that here in town. I want to just explore new lands, eat new food, and go to new concerts.

I'm glad that I have time off, and I'm also glad that I got the chance to think for a while and type out the ideas that are buzzing around in my head. I'll keep blogging (hopefully) every day this week, so keep checking back around for new stuff. I should also say that it is a good time to read my old blog posts an read about my life up to this point. It's a pretty good story.

Spring Cleaning

Its Springtime again, and this is the time of year when I start to venture out of my metaphoric cave and get things done. I was sick last week and I spend a lot of time by myself. That got me thinking. To be short, I'm tired of being alone, stuck in my house, and not interacting with other people. So, I made the hard decision to make new friends. It isn't going so well.

I haven't had a group of "friends" since 8th grade (yes, that was a long time ago! Remember, I'm not that old!). My life has been pretty bad after that. I had to leave the security of my neighborhood and my best friends and transfer schools because I couldn't stand any of the pain that I had to face every day from those who hated me. Eventually, I transferred schools, and had an even harder time getting used to everything. I was angry, scared, confused and sad. Every day sucked for me. I had to rely on the only thing that was going to get me through the rush of life: academics. In short, I became a really smart geek who collected albums, listened to punk rock, went to concerts and debated every weekend (I still am that way). I was (and still am) isolated, and quite lonely.

Books can take you places that are far away, but they aren't a replacement for people. You can play as much guitar as you want to, but it isn't fun to play if anyone isn't listening. You can get to finals in debate as many times as you want to, but no one cheers with you when you win. You can go out on a Friday night, but it really doesn't matter if no one is with you. I'm tired of being by myself. I'm tried of doing things alone. I'm tired of having "friends" who are there with words, but not with feeings.

I'm lonely. I'm tired of being lonely. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who to talk to, or where to go, or how to feel. The only thing that I want right now is for someone to listen to me, and to hear me out for just a little while. I just want someone to tell me something other than "it gets better", because I'm not seeing it. I just wish someone was here. I want someone who isn't going to leave me when they "took what was needed". I just need someone who understands, and that is very hard to find right now.