Thoughts over coffee.

I didn't blog yesterday because I was so tired and fatigued from staying up late on Monday. As normal, I had to miss another concert due to me being tired, so I'm sorry if you really wanted to read about my life and all of that.

I haven't been doing too much today. I got up super late (around noon) and wrote 75% of my debate case. Whenever I'm on vacation, I have to do something because if I don't, I don't get enough sleep and when I don't get enough sleep, I sit on the couch all day and watch my DVD's and sleep. Hopefully, I won't be up late into the night doing homework because I'm worried.

It is might snow tomorrow, and I'm kind of happy if it does snow, but then again, I really had plans to go out and buy some CD's, albums, and some food (ice cream). I might still go out in it because no one will be out on a cold, snowy day in Denver.

I'm growing increasingly creative with the food in my home. Instead of making one cup of coffee, I make a whole batch of coffee that will last me 4-6 hours. Instead of baking "cookies" I put all of the dough into one pan, bake it, and then take a share of the batch. I think that I might be getting "stir crazy" because I haven't been out of the house in quite a long time.

Last night, I was kind of sad and I didn't know why. I started to drift asleep and out of nowhere, I think about how I got dumped by my best friend for my other good friend and how I cussed them out and made them cry. I couldn't sleep for too long after that. I opened my curtain and looked at the stars from my bed and fell asleep some time later. When I got up, I realized that I might have PTSD. No, I'm not saying that I "Have PTSD because I read the symptoms online" I am saying that I am highly likely to have it because I got over major depression about 2 years ago.

I got 150 dollars for Christmas, and I did want to spend most of it on CD's and things, but I'm really thinking about going to my Physiologist. I haven't gone in about a year or so, but I think that I need to. I can't tell my friends or family "I can't sleep at night because I keep thinking about all of the terrifying things that happened to me". I really can't. When I was depressed, everyone thought it was just a "phase" that I was going through and I would "get over it" sooner or later. I did get over it, but it took months of off and on medications, 2 psychologists (my parental didn't like one of them), transferring schools at in the most important time of my life, dealing with the fact that I would never see my friends again, getting bullied everyday, and just adapting to a new place. Sometimes I don't want to explain all of the stuff that I've gone through, but I know that one person would listen to me and that was my psychologist.

I don't know if I'm up for going though because I don't want to talk about the past 24 months in about a hour. I think that I might just chicken out like all of the other times when something important is about to to happen. I think it's time to do

Back from vacation (sort of).

I've been on vacation for the past week, and I really didn't want to blog because I needed a break. So I still have a week left of vacation, and I thought that I would blog about some of my thoughts over vacation. Today, I'm going to talk about how insecure I feel about my future.

I'm feeling kind of worn out because I got finals and a new debate topic to worry about when I get back to school. I haven't taken a whack on my mountain of homework, and I can't sleep at night. I'm starting to go back into drinking coffee (one cup a day, with whipped cream). I really need a job, but I know that I won't be able to get one until summer when people go on vacation. My current band is about to break down and dissolve and I'm kind of worried about that too, I could just go back to being a solo artist, but I can't find the time in my "Blocked out" schedule. As you can see, I have too much to do without the time to do it.

I really felt like doing something yesterday, but I turned on my stereo and slept on the floor for a good 2 hours. I then sat in front of the TV and played Wii for 3 hours to forget about my life for a while. That was ok for a while, but when I had 3 nightmares in a row, I knew something was wrong. I've been up off and on for 6 hours and I'm somewhat scared to go back to sleep. If I can't sleep, than I won't be able to get my homework done.

This might just be circular thinking, but it is just hard to calm my brain down sometimes. When I can't calm my brain down, I usually stay up very late trying to make up for lost time, and then sleep when I almost pass out from doing too much work. Some people call me a procrastinator, but others call me a perfectionist; none of these are true. I'd rather call myself someone who works too much and get nothing in return. I came to realize that if I relax and calmly do my work, then I do get the good things in return, like 5th place. I'll see what I can do during the week to make everything as painless as possible. To top it off, I promised myself that I would be done with everything before Friday night.

How I stole fifth place.

Coming into the Debate meet this Saturday, I was guessing that I would just get my excellent ribbon and leave, but I don't know how I did it, but I captured the titled of 5th place in a little under 8 whole hours! Alright, my voice is still kind of messed up from it, and I have a wicked case of congestion, but looking at that trophy every morning is worth it.


I was kind of scared when I woke up on Saturday because I was feeling quite relaxed. I didn't do any case revisions, or evidence reading because I honestly was too tired to do anything else. I went to bed at around 11:30 and got up at the unholy hour of 5:00. I had some breakfast, got ready, got dressed and left around an hour later.

Rounds posted at 8 or so, but I had a hard time waking up. I got out my handy dandy Ipod and tried to get "pumped up" on the way there with some good punk rock tunes. Eventually, I realized that the room that I was scheduled in was in the other building. I grabbed my hat from my backpack and somehow made my way around 300 or so people. It was colder that I thought when I got outside and I was really happy when I got that hat on my head.

When I got into that building, I realized that the 700's were in the back of the building. Being the only one in the hallway (I'm a fast walker) I was there in no time. Seeing that no one was in the the hallway, I thought I would look into the room for a little (something you shouldn't do at a meet!). I knew that this would be an interesting meet because I seen a piano, composers and music notes; I would have never thought I would be debating in a Choir room! Eventually, my opponent and the judge showed up and the round got underway. Halfway though, I got somewhat scared because I lost confidence in my case; apparently the judge could see that in the round because my ballot said that I "could try to be more confident in my case because you are a good debater, you just have to believe in yourself."

After the round was over, I got kind of mad my teammates didn't say "How'd your round go?" so I grabbed a chair and parked it in front of the tin of mini Christmas cookies and ate about 5 of them. For the rest of the downtime between rounds, I listened to more music, and tested my friends to see if they would text me back in time before 2nd round posted (that never happened). Postings went up at 9:45ish and I went off to second round.

More waiting, different building same thing as last round. I talked to one of my friends for the better part of an hour just trying to make jokes and cut the nerves before I went off to speak. The room was a little bit different, but it still had the same "odd" vibe as the last room. We went in after the first wave of debaters left. The room this time it was a "Science research room/ library". The offices were being used and me and my friend really couldn't wait to start the round because one of the judges yelled "NO TALKING! ROUNDS ARE IN PROGRESS!" I whispered "see you latter" to my comrade, and shook my opponents hand. The guy was a pasty pale redhead with glasses, who said he was form the southern part of the state that I have never heard of or seen. As for manners, he was decent with them and the round was somewhat pleasing. I thought that I would have suffered a loss, but I really started to be angered when I realized that my opponent started to call me "He". Now, I have issues when people mistake me for a guy (If you see me, you will know that I look NOTHING like a guy) so I had to convince myself that my opponent was making a personal attack towards me. I really didn't know how to say it, but instead of making a big deal out of it, I kept the fury of the attack I had in mind and put it towards his case and then ended up winning. The judge gave me a good tip of advice, "Spend more of your time attacking your opponent and then tell me why you win." Gender jokes or not, this was a good round.

Got back around 11:15, talked to my debate buddy, and we looked over some evidence cards. I opened my backpack and took out my secret weapon, Monster Energy drink. I don't drink this often, but when I do it provides a tremendous boost of energy and confidence to myself and my case. A friend of mine that graduated told me to "drink it whenever I felt like I couldn't win". I slowly opened the can and watched the cold fog from the can float into the air.

After I had about a 4th of my drink, me and my buddy went to stand by the posting board. We were there for about 15 minutes and the big "boss" captain had to stand with us because "we can't do anything without the captains approval first" (I'm done with that witty comment). We met some kids from different schools, talked about how 1.75 is a high price for a burrito. And then out of the haughty captains mouth "It is bad luck to stand by the postings for too long." In my brain, I just gave a "Whatever" and walked it off. 15 minutes later, postings went up.

Back to the other building, I ran outside without my hat, beat the rush of people like last time, and arrived to my round 10 minutes before my opponent came. To be concise, I was surprised, you don't normally see Women who "dress down" at meets (by dressing down, I mean dress slacks, button up and converse. I normally do the colored button up with gray or black slacks and a suit jacket to "finish everything off)It was odd because my opponent kept staring at me, not like the "I'm going to destroy you" stare, but more of the "your kind of cool in a hot way" stare. It really didn't get to me because I get it all the time. It then occurred to them that they probably should say something: "Oh hey, how are you today?" "I'm fine" I didn't want to sound too arrogant, so I started to talk a little, "I see you got a newspaper, anything good?". They replied, "Not really, I guess this place is having a winter concert soon." I don't care for concerts really, (or not these kind")"That's neat." More awkward staring. I went back to my Ipod and fooled around with that for a while and then I seen that they left. I took a walk around break for 20 or so minutes with my energy drink and finished it all. When I came back, they were back reading that same newspaper. Out of boredom, I got all philosphocal and thought about my friend who lives on the other side of the country that is probably worried sick about me right now. I'm worried sick about them. (If you are reading this, I'm ok.)

Right when my thoughts started to get good, the door opened and the people from the last round came in. I sat down at my table, took a quick glance at my opponent, looked at my papers, and then started to see that my hands were shaking because I had the jitters. Eventually, I let that past me and I read my speech with confidene and poise and just felt proud of myself. I got mad beacuse, my opponet had this high pitched, wailing naisly voice that I didn't hear in our awakward conversation and I realised that this must be a front to make the judge vote or them. Anyway, I hammered in my points, and gave them a 5 point loss, something that is RARELY heard of in Debate, and something that I have NEVER dished out to anyone in my 3 years of debating. Anyway, I offered the post round hanshake, and I found it sickining because the other half of the handshake was slimely. I think I take that back.

Back to the meeting room, more cookies, some water, more music, more waiting. I was going to play a card game with my other friend, but somthing was telling me no. I looked around the room and just looked out the window in a trance like gaze and then I heard my name; "Hey! You made it!". "Into what?" I asked? "To Finals!". I never would have thought that I would make it into finals at this meet after loosing all 3 rounds last week and being pissed off at the whole team. I was just so exicted to go to finals I almost had a heart attack(what did I say about those drinks?)

Anyway, I threw down at finals, I did everythig like the last round that I won. The only thing that got me mad was the fact that my oppponet didn't see my evidence and said that I "didn't have any" and that "stats carry more weight than logic". If we wanted to think her way, then money would be better for you than food.  I only did this once, but what I did was say "if you want to look at my opponents logic, then I don't deserve to win today just because she says so. Basiclly, I want you to throw out what she said [my opponent] about me having no case and no merit, I don't want to win on her rules, I want to win on the ones I offered which are fair for both sides, I'm leaving it up to you today, because we are pretty even as is, and I don't care if I loose, at I'll loose a good round." 

You could see that they really wanted to give the win to me, but I lost by 1 point on two judges and 3 on another (you get 3 judges in a final round). I think the judge that gave me the 3 point loss was a newbie, because there really wasnt' anything on the ballot to say how I did. Anyway, when I was called up on stage I was nervous, and as they kept calling the names, I still stood up there, but once they called 5th place, I proudly took my trophy and left the stage knowing that I did the best that I have done so far.

In heat

I'm still kind of mad from this weekend, and I'm still around the same people (that isn't helping me out any.) So far, the people who said hello are the ones who piss me off the most. If just one thing rubs me the wrong way tonight, then I'm going up in flames like a barbecue with too much lighter fluid. It is getting harder to mini blog when people are looking qt me type. I'll be on the ball later.

All due respect.

I lost a debate today, but that doesn't really matter to me. It doesn't really matter to me if I win or not now, the thing that really matters is trying to get the reward that I deserve from all the work I put in. This is really making me mad, so I'll do a good job explaining.

Now debate, is something close to my heart. I've been sacrificing every weekend for the past 3 years towards the betterment of my debate career. If that doesn't sound like a lot, then something must not be connecting. I've missed weekends of music, painting, hanging out with friends, and just enjoying myself. I miss just sleeping on weekends and just not having to worry about anything. I think that somewhere in this "haze" I forgot about what really mattered to me, I couldn't tell because I was so infused with just being "better" and doing "better" than I did last time. I feel like sometimes, I can't get back into being a "normal" person with "normal" things to do. Recently, I've been feeling as if my efforts are not worth doing in the first place. That was one of the major issues with today.

I wasn't having a good day anyway (getting up at 5:30 doesn't help any). First round was delayed by 2 hours, people were getting on my nerves, people wanted to play the "blame game" all day long. People just flat out sucked today, and I never think that negative. When I think negative sometimes, then I think about things that I would otherwise "block" out of my head. Unfortunately today, I had to think about how sucky of a job that our coaches are doing to help us WIN something. I don't really get mad at people at all, but when people talk to me like I'm stupid, then we are going to have issues.

This really started last year when I lost the bid for team captain. I really wanted to be captain, and I did what I could to say "Hey, I'm going to be the best darn captain ever". When the flawed voting system didn't work out for me, I got sad. If that wasn't enough, I found out the the kid who used to make fun of me 2 or 3 years before made captain, then I really got pissed off. They announced who wast to be the captains at a team party, and I ended up leaving not even 5 minutes after. That next Monday, they are blaming me for not "Taking the loss in stride" and not "being a good role model". I got hashed because "everything is my fault". I had to tune it out and hope for the best next season.

Next season comes around, I doubted that I would win one round out of three, but when I started to go 2-3 and had the high speaker points, I had hope for myself. In the first 2 months of debating, I got 66 or so points; a nice pace for someone who only had 200 or so over 2 years of debating. I'm progressing, and that is a good thing. The better thing is that I'm only 4 or so points off from getting into finals. But that doesn't matter to the "Captains" because they always break no mater the cost of the team, or even the cost of the other debaters. I wouldn't do that. Never will. When I see these liars get into finals without working working for it honestly like I do.

When I left the meet tonight, I wasn't acting "stressed out and angry towards others because I have a lot on my mind" like our coach said, but I was acting the way that I was because "I'm sick and tired of not getting the respect that I deserve from everyone". Hell, if I can give other people respect, why can't they do the same to me?

I've gotten used to being the "odd one out" on the team and I don't care about that anymore, I think I care more about the simple things, respect, hard work and truthfulness. If we could have these things on the team, then I wouldn't be half as mad as I am now.

I don't think that I'm going to talk to the head coaches by myself this time because the last time I did that, nothing happened. I want something to happen this time, not that mess I had the last time around. I just wish that I had the people who could help me out sometimes, but they always have to be 500 miles away.

I get what I want (finally).

I wory a lot. But I guess that that is a good thing. I wory about the people I care about and sometimes the people I care about think that this is a "needy" trait. I don't really care though, because this "worrying" is quite my thing.

So why the worry talk? Today, I guess I could say that this worrying payed off. Because I got what I wanted. When you wory about a person on and off for long peroids of time, you wonder a lot if you will ever hear from them again, and I got what I wanted.

Now, I can't be greedy. I can't take what I got for granted. I got this for a reason and I need to do the best thing by saying something back. But the question is, "What the hell do I say?".  Should I go for casual? "Hey, whats up?" or is that too laid back? Or should I just go for the formal one "Hello. Haven't seen you in a while. How are you?" I hope that doesn't sound too standoffish. If that fails, I have the tired and true, my trademark, "Joke greeting"; "So I was about to call a search party because I haven't heard from you in ages." "Welcome to the future! How was the alternate reality you've came from?" I might not do that.

Well, I got to say this soon, so I'm just going to use this: "Hey! How are you? It's been a while." That's great. That's fine, I'm not doing anything else.

Hopefully, I won't have to do the "Oh my God, I'm about to faint if I don't hear anything soon" post, but I'm prepared if I have to.

Almost Vegetarian, Fully Hungry; Thanksgiving Edition.

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This is part two of my vegetarian blogging series, feel free to read part one. 

Today is Thanksgiving, and I have made the decision to not eat vegetarian for the day. I realized that turkey was too good to eat, and most of the stuff that my family makes for thanksgiving has some type of meat in it (i.e. gravy, bits of turkey, chicken stock, little bits of ham.) Just think, I cant pick around little bits of ham in green beans, and even if I tried to, then it would take me 3 whole hours to eat.
Now, just because I'll eat a little turkey tomorrow, doesn't mean I'm giving up on being a vegetarian. For the most part, my plate will be composed of 20% mashed potatoes, 20% green beans, 20% mac &; cheese, 20% Desert, 10% Drink and 5% turkey. Because I know that I will feel guilt driven when I eat the turkey tomorrow, I'll just have to combine foods to eat with the turkey so I won't taste it as much. I might go for the turkey-cranberry sauce- mashed potato and gravy duo.

Don't talk to me about Tofurky. See, I got some 2 months ago and left it in my freezer. This week, when I was looking for it, I realized that it was expired. Now, dont be a fool and eat expired tofu product kids. I have done it once, and it was quite good, but I didn't want to take my chances on the greatest food day ever, Thanksgiving.

I think that there should be a term for vegetarians who have to eat meat sometimes, because I have to. The main reason why I had to stop being a vegetarian was because I needed protein. I guess the protein shakes weren't' doing their part.

Even though I don't really want to eat turkey this year, I guess I should to keep myself healthy. And just to gain back the vegetarian points that I lost, I'm going to do something good for the earth tomorrow by not going to the store and getting involved in the insane madness that is Black Friday.

It doesn't add up.

The red bumps are gone, and I'm not feeling malice as much as I did this time last week, but that seems like nothing compared to the other things that I have encountered.

I got a cough, but it isn't that "normal" cough that one might get while having a cold. It's borderline "hacking crap up" cough and "I got acute bronchitis cough". I'm kind of weary of doctors, but if I keep the same cough until Friday, then I'm going. I can't stay up for too long, I can't really eat, and I'm more tired than normal. This is bad enough, but I guess my teacher wants me to fail math.

I never was good at math, but I always passed with a D+ or even a C- if I got lucky. But my teacher was gone for about 2 weeks, and our 3 subs told us that some papers were due while others were not. I finished all of these papers, and I did every thing on those papers. When the week before last week came around, our teacher came back and told us that our papers were due. Not a big deal. But the paper that I did a half- ass job on was the one that was worth the most points. We have to get the paper checked by our teacher, and then we open a "treasure chest" and get a candy. Bull. I'm pragmatic, and I have to say that I'm not opening a damn treasure chest to get a reward for doing nothing. So I'm not. But that is a problem though.

That brings me to today. I've been emailing my teacher about my illness and how I really can't do my homework because I can't do too much of anything. They agreed to give me 5 days to turn in my makeup homework (or in other words, do that over break.) Then I remembered about my test tomorrow.

If I don't do good on the test tomorrow, I will be failing the class. That is nothing new to me, I can take failure with a grain of sugar. But this time its different. I dont' want to fail math. I really don't. Although I don't have a need for math in my chosen career path, it would just be nice to have some self confidence about my math skills.

I'm not an underachiever, and I hate when people think that I am one. It is going to be hard, but I'm going to try my best to get a C by the end of the year. I kind of know that I won't but then again, why not try?

Aches and Pains

Last week or so, I started to see red bumps on my legs. They were all around my thighs, but not on my calfs or anything. At the debate meet this weekend, I couldn't stop itching my collar bone. It might just have been the shirt, but I still wasn't sure. When I got home, it looked like a rash, and I wasn't to concerned.

Then yesterday I lost my voice (a little). I thought that this was just from talking for 10 hours, but again I still don't know where it came from. 9ish yesterday night; my throat was super sore, and I couldn't swallow. This morning, I couldn't sleep and I think I had a fever because I was sweating so much. I kind of threw up this morning and I couldn't really stand up straight. I don't know why, but I went to all of my hard classes today. Just my luck, I forgot my homework on my desk. I almost passed out 3 times this morning and my skin hurt to  the touch. I just felt awefull.

I got home and I took some meds, and I took a hour and 30 minute nap. I felt better after that. I'm working on going to bed early so no more blogging for now.

I wish I had something to say

I wish I had something to say. I can't write about my life because nothing has been happening! To be honest, I've been apathetic towards most stuff, but I've been setting my mind for Friday because that day will be EPIC (well, if it 'aint epic, then I'll make it epic).

The weather is changing and I'm not ready. I still think that it is summer but, that is just me. I dont like wearing sweaters and overcoat and slipping on ice, and drinking room temperature water in a cold house. Sometimes, I think I should move to someplace warm but if I did that, then I will miss seeing snow fall.

Then, I'm kind of sad because I left my heart with someone 8 months ago and I really want to just see them again. I'm always thinking about if they are feeling good, or if their day is going well, or even if they are thinking about me! I guess you have to love someone from afar to understand my feelings right now. I can't do anything, It is like a really long stalemate in chess, you wait for the next move, but when you move you realize that nothing is going to work. Things will work though, I'm sure of it. I just need to get that self doubting voice that tells me "no" all of the time out of my head.

I guess I did have something to say after all. It just took me a while to say it.

Debate and wasabi don't mix.

Yesterday was my first debate meet of the year. I've been volunteering with the new members in October to get them ready for November, which is varsity season. Yesterday was our first varsity meet of the year, but I chose not to debate. I did do student congress as my alternative event. Why did I do this? Well, we started doing our cases last week and I realized that I was not going to win anything this week with a half done case (I seen this happen though, but I rather be safe than sorry).

When the day was over around 7:00 I ranked up a nomination and a pretty cool yellow ribbon. Not a bad day.  By then, I was up for a pretty savory 15 hours. I was then notified of a pizza party half way across town. I was going to go but then I remembered that my friend wanted me to go to this concert at 8:00. Realizing that I couldn't fly across town, I had to decline even though I really wanted to go.

When I got home, I enjoyed some vegetarian sushi and a veggie bowl. Out of absentmindedness I put soy sauce on wasabi and ate it straight. I then was crying on my floor for a good 15 minutes due to my nasal cavities being blown. 

I then went to bed and got up at 12:30  and watched some movie on TV. I then slept and ate a pop tart for breakfast.

It might just be me, but I think my life is starting to get duller. It feels like I'm stuck doing the same old thing every day, or every weekend. I might need something to look forward to. I might need to find some weekday concerts to go to. But whatever I do, I'm going to enjoy today first.

What to do about anger.

I haven't been too happy lately. I've been mad for the last couple of days and I really dont' know why I've been feeling like this. Normally I get mad, let things blow over, and move on. But now it's like I want to punch people iin the face for disagreeing with me, break things, throw things out windows, smash windows, and wreck stuff. I haven't done any of that yet..

I don't know what is stoping me from breaking stuff, but I'm kind of happy that I've haven't gotten in trouble. I wouldn't know what I would do if I got stuck between a rock and a hard place.


I think I need to find better outlets and things to do when I  get mad. Right now, listening to music hasn't really been helping. You know, you can only listen to happy songs for so long before they begin to stop. I tried punching soft things, but my right wrist is getting kind of weak and I really can't do to much with it.  I don't play my guitar or write when I'm mad because I realize that I might break my guitar! I don't want to do that!

I might get back into painting, or writing. I used to be really into these things a couple of years ago, but I just had to slowly quit because I just don't have the time to do it. I think that I need to find a job soon because I'm kind of tired of scraping up money from random places, and to be honest, I'm tired of doing odd jobs.

I'm going to go to bed now. I might not be getting enough sleep, but I really don't know what I want anymore.  I'll try to write some tomorrow, I'm staying late, so I'll try to sneak in a little bit of something.

First day of Vacation plus thoughts.

My week long vacation starts now. I'm going to post the things that I've been holding off posting for various reasons, and I will also be sitting down at my desk refreshing my blog stats and seeing what I can improve on. So if you haven't already, check that out now.

I'm kind of concerned (no wait, really concerned) that I'm going to lock myself in my house, play my guitar, sleep for 3 days straight, and probably won't do anything until Thursday when I noticed that I slept the week away.  I'm starting to worry that I'm going back into those "dark ages" where everything wasn't the way it was now, and when I really wasn't the person I am now. I think that I just need to write it all down and talk about it because all the things that I want to say are swirling around in my head like a almost done smoothie.

I might bring back the "What I did" series on vacation because I honestly don't know what to do over vacation. If I do block out what I do over vacation, then I can try extra hard to get something done over vacation, so you guys have something nice to look at.  I think that my life is kind of like a 3 paragraph essay on repeat "I did this, then I did this, and then I went to bed". That's all. That all I do. But I'm sure that I'm not just a "person with a routine life"; I only do the same things on vacation.

I guess that I really want to talk to someone. That's all. I'm just lonely. I just want to talk to my friends and just say "Dude, can you just forget about everything that is going on in your life and talk to me for 15 minutes?". I'm sure that someone would say "Yeah, I have time to talk for 15 minutes. What do I do all day anyway?". The differentiating factor is that I don't want to tell my life story to everyone that I talk to. I told myself that I don't want others sympathy, I want others to tell me what to do right now because I frankly don't know how to do it myself.

I have 200 dollars that I have saved over the past 3 months. No, it isn't going to education, but to other things that I find more important right now. I know that I'm going to buy some things that I need and buy some more guitar picks because I've been playing with the same one since July.  I need to pay for my shrink visit, but they might wave it for me because they know I'm broke and I really need someone to talk to. (Handy tip: Shrinks  won't charge you for "verbal" therapy, or "e-mail" therapy. Milk out their morals and use it to your advantage.). They might even let me go to the park with their 125 pound Golden Retriever (btw, that dog weighs more than I do!!). I guess if no one else want's to talk to me, the dog will show some concern. 

I kind of already know that I'm going to go to bed disappointed tonight. I don't every night, but what else do you do when everyone else is having "fun" and you don't even know what "fun" is anymore? I'm going to do something now, I'm not sure what it is, but I'll be sure to tell you all about it tomorrow.

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Papers, papers, papers.

Today was the first novice home meet. It started pretty late (11am) and got done around 7pm. In the Debate world, that isn't too bad. At home meets, we have to work if we are not debating, I had to work because I'm not a novice. Working isn't too hard, unless they put you in the wrong place with the wrong people at the wrong time. As you might know, I'm a Leo, and I can't deal with people infringing on my domain. However, I just had to suck it up and just deal with it today which isn't something that I normally do.

So I left my house at 10:45 and got there at 11, that isn't too bad because the traffic was light, and we weren't started 'till late anyway.  Because I'm a varsity member, I take it into my own hands to great everyone but some of the novices that I dont' know don't want to say "Hi" back to me, or answer my question of "Do you need any help?" I think that I should get to know all of these kids before the end of the year when they say "Hey, that girl is part of our team? I never seen her around before." I should probably say that the world of Speech and Debate is a dog eat dog world, and if you don't want to get eaten, you have to do what you can to make it out ok.

I got my ballot and judged a novice LD round, and although one kid didn't have his case, he did a really good job attacking everything that this opponent said. His opponent, did have a case, but he did a crazy good job with evidence. I gave them a little extra prep time than I normally would because I felt like being nice to them.  I thus went into the cafeteria and got a slice of pizza (Cheese, because they don't order vegetarian. My school never does) and a smoothie that I got a discount on because I know the people who make them.  I then sat at the ballot table and started to "run" ballots to the Tab room (where they put the ballots into folders and make sure that everything is ok with them). I did this for about 30 minutes until they said that I needed to stay to "help them out".

I got into the tab room and my coach said:  "you take the ballots, you look at the code on the corner of the ballot, put the ballot into the folder with the correct school code. The Aff team/person gets the white sheet, the Neg team/person gets the yellow paper. Pink papers go into the recycle bin". That didn't sound too hard. I got the ballots, tore the first two papers off, and put the pinks in the recycle bin. I got through the first 40 or so papers like that, but once the other ones came in, I had to up my game. I say that I could get the staples off 100 papers, sort them and put them in the right folder in about 2 minutes. Yes, I'm a fast worker.

That reminds me, I never really told you how many papers I was filling. Here is a math equation in case you are visual person:

Speech Events
4 people in a round x 7 rounds in a wave x 3 rounds total = 84 ballots per event.

84 papers per event x 6 Speech events = 504 speech event ballots total.

Debate Events
2 debaters per debate x AT LEAST 6 debates in a wave x 2 per wave (double wave = 7 debate at once, then 7 more) x 3 rounds = 72 papers for the debate types.

72 x 3 debate types = 216 debate papers total.

504 + 216+ 100 for 2 congress houses= 820 papers to be filed.

That is just a rough estimate. I know that there was a range of 600 ~ 1,000 balots that I filed today in a really fast 1:30 minutes. No paper cuts on my hands. But those god darn coaches got in the way of my filing, and they wanted to "just look at the ballots. I held every ballot of a judge that took 3 minutes looking at ballots till the end of my filing because they were getting in my way. I forgot to say that the table was round. You know what happens when you block one side of a table right?  I'm not rude, don't get me wrong, but when you are asking me to "see your folder" I'm going to snatch the paper from you and say "File it yourself. I think you know where your file is, and you can put the ballot that I put ON TOP for YOU inside your folder."  This is the only thing that I hate about volunteering, how rude people get and how much they ask you to do when they can see that you are doing something very important.

At awards, everyone else got a "thank you" except for me, (unless I was the judges table).  I didn't really care. I can just say, that the next time I'm working this, I'm setting some boundaries down, so I can have this done and taken care of.

Stress plus some.

I'm really stressed out right now. Today was just lame, I woke up and realized that it was Columbus day and I didn't have it off. I have a really bad headache and I'm worried about my classes and getting good grades in all of my classes before the end of the quarter, which is in about a week or so. If I keep my grades as is, I'll be somewhat happy, but what is so bad about upping your grades?

I'm not too concerned about the work load, but I'm more concerned about how my grades and how my health is doing. I've been hungry all day, my neck and shoulders till hurt, and I slept for about 14 hours yesterday. I'm just so exhausted, and I have no idea what to do. Most likely I'm going to go to bed early, and as soon as I'm done writing this, I'm going to go to bed an hour and a half early.  I'm sure that I can sleep easy tonight because I"m done with all of my homework and that stressor is gone.

I'm still wondering why my neck is still really messed up and why it cracks so much whenever I tilt it back. I think that I need to go to a doctor or chiropractor, but I'm kind of hateful when it comes to doctors. The last time I was going to go to a doctor I fractured my wrist playing tennis. Little did I know that I put my half broken wrist back into place when I was asleep, slept on it, and had a swollen wrist in the morning. I know that I should go to the doctor but when do I have time to?

I'm going to end it here so I can  write more later. Hopefully I will be feeling better by then.

Whatever happened to artists?

I'm an artist. I create art, I love art, and I would fight for art if it was in a war. Now, I don't always paint to make art, sometimes I make artful music , sometimes I write about things in an artful way and I share it with the world (ahem, my blog) and even I just like to take a normal sharpie and decorate a T-shirt with some random slogan that just happens to say "Whatever Happened to the artists?" I really wish that I knew.

If I knew more about why artists are on the decline, then I would love to talk to someone about it. Even at school (yes, I'm that into school) I can't find the artists. When I talk to my friends about "art" and why "art is on the decline in society" they just call me off as being "crazy" or that "I'm the one who can't see the art in today's society, not us.".

So I'm lost. What the heck do I do now? do I keep wigging out on my guitar and making it so loud that others around me leave because they "wish I played something with chords?" Do I keep making and wearing the things that aren't "in" and wearing the shirts that have the things that "people don't get".  Yes I know is hard but, I think I just need to think about where I'm going so I won't become that "starving artist" that I really don't want to be.

Just a note.

I went to a concert on Monday. I blogged about it. I didn't really have time to write for you all because I was doing this 300 point essay that is due tommarow and I wanted to get that done. I will be back to writeing as soon as I can :)

Thanks.

Dogeball.

Today was the first day of spirit week, so I played dogeball with my two clubs, Speech and Debate and Link Crew. I chose link crew because I'm still kind of mad about their "yuppyness" but despite that, I still played with my friends and kicked some serious ass. I was so good, I fell down on my knee, balanced the dogeball in my hand and threw it before I fell down and still got the person out. Yes, I'm a beast at dogeball, but I still hate every other sport that I'm not good at.

I said on facebook that "Dodgeball was invented so that angry children could attack their oppressors." That is true. Although I really dont care about who is "in" and who is "out" I still killed everyone regardless of their social standing on the ladder. If you are doing anything with speech and debate, make sure that you have some time to wait because we do everything with that darn bracket system or in other words, if you are out you go against someone who was out, regardless if they are good or not. I just so happened to be the last person on the last team that we had and I caught the ball and ended up wining for our whole team. However, this didn't mean anything because we were out the next round.

I hate the rules of dogeball sometimes because you can be counted "off sides" or you cross the "blue line" or even catch the ball and still be considered out. I got called out 8 times and I didn't even feel like getting out because I knew in my mind that I wasn't out. Still though, they ended up making us loose because I got out. No I'm not an ego person, but I do feel pretty confident in my dogeball wining abilities.

Yeah, so I'm beat up pretty bad, but at the end of the day, my Advil will make me feel better (hopefully). I'm getting home late tomorrow too because I have some debate judging to do. Whatever, I should be ok.

Late nights and deep thoughts.

It's late again and I have nothing else to do than blog about all the stuff I have to deal with and listen to the first half of my Cocteau Twins Box set (you should check this out sometime. Very relaxing). So if you read my blog a lot you might know that I'm very stressed over tiny little stuff and that my neck/shoulder have been in pain for the past 3 weeks. Not too bad right? (heavy dose of sarcasm sorry). I think it just is exhaustion getting to me, but I can tell that I'm not too pleased with what I'm turning into right now.

No, I'm not in that depressed streak that I was in a couple of years ago, I'm just something different now. Most of its good, For example, I'm getting better at being me. Some of its bad though, I'm getting concerned with "being me", or in other words, I'm getting kind of worried about "being me" and how I compare to my friends that I haven't seen in about 4 or so years. If you don't know me that well, you should know that I care a bunch about everyone in my life that has done something, or been there for me when I needed it the most. It feels like I owe all of these people something, and I'm starting to play the "blame game" and I'm blaming myself for not keeping the relationships that I had.

Now, its hard for me to have friends, dates, whatever you want to call them, and keep them in my life for years or for even months. Growing up, I've went to 3 elementary schools, 2 middle schools and one high school. This made me the way I am now I guess.  It was hard making friends and keeping friends when I was a kid because I didn't know how long they or myself were going to be there, so instead I went into the one thing that was constant in my life, schoolwork. I've always been smart, so it wasn't that hard to keep up my grades in school, but like always, I always overdid it and it just didn't seem fun anymore. This was at its highest point in middle school when I really started to do too much work instead of too much hanging out with friends. This lead to my 3 year depression and all of that wonderful stuff, and I frankly didn't care about anything or anyone for that matter. Then I couldn't handle people or anyone for that matter, then my grades started to slip from A's to B's to C's then D's.  Then I switched schools, didn't talk to my good friends, and then started at my 4th new school. Life went on. Things got harder, I started to care less. Then one day I woke up and seen the bright light of reality, and climbed out of my hole of depression and got back where I never been before.

I realized that I've never had a real date while I was writing in my journal lying on my bed with my plaid pajama pants and my speech and debate hoodie on. Yeah, I didn't care at one time but, now I'm really starting to think "why the hell didn't I have a serious relationship with someone?". I have gotten to bond with people quite often, but before I hear the words "Do you want to go out with me?" I always get the cruel, cruel words "I'm sorry, but I think that we would just be better off if we were just to stay friends." When I hear this, no matter who says it, or even if its not in my conversation, I just want to kick the bastard who uttered those words in the mouth and tell them what it means to me. I'm guess I'm doing that with you right now, just that you are not a bastard and I'm not mad at you.

I lost hope, to a point because I'm starting to think that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to see my best friends getting married and I'm the only single one there. If that was to happen then I'm probably am going to get drunk out of my mind, drive home, and then write in my journal about how I feel inside.

I'm glad that I can share my feelings with all of you guys, but I'm sorry again that I've been kind of "gloomy" the past couple of days, but I'm not going to write a happy post when I'm feeling bad inside. That just doesn't work. I write how I feel, and I'm not going to give that up for anything or anyone. It might not be late anymore, but those "late night feelings" are going to stay with me for the rest of the day today.

The fish aren't biting.

Life is kind of like my aching shoulder right now; I can bear it, but its just getting kind of old and I need to do something for it to get better.  Unlike my aching shoulder, I just can't put ointment on it and wish it away. Lately, I've been getting concerned because I have no date for the uber important dance next Saturday and It made me think about all the reasons why I have no date and how I haven't had a date in about 4 years and how I can't handle it. I know for a fact that I"m not like this all the time, I even said so. I only get like this because no one wants to be around me.

Come on, I'm not like other people. I get it, everyone else might not get it but even though they might not get it, they know for a fact that this is the reason why I'm not getting anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling left out because I don't want to drop my standards to the level of everyone else just so I can have a date. I understand pretty well that I "might have my standards set too high" but I know that that isn't true. If I had my standards set to high, then I wouldn't have gotten a date 4 years ago. I haven't changed my standards since then and I don't think that I will now.

Sometimes, I don't think that I even what to try looking for an significant other because I kind of know that it is always going to turn into one of those "No" or "No, let's just be friends".  I always kid around and say that I'm going to be a "hopeless romantic starving artist" one day, but every day passes by, the more that I think it is true.  Maybe some people go after that "hopeless romantic starving artist" type of person, but the bead deal is that I haven't found someone who likes it.

I'm not boring, but I don't party. I don't drink, and I do keep up my grades. That to regular people is boring. I just hope that I can find one person who gets me. Because I have no idea what to do now. And that's what I always get.

If I hear the quote "there is always more fish in the sea", I'm honestly going to say "the fish in my sea aren't biting."

I'm not like this all the time.

So today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and that was good. The strange thing was that all of my classes went by super fast and all of the tests were easier than I thought they would be. I hate to say that I over studied, but I know that that wasn't true, I just think that I was well prepared. My arm didn't hurt today, and my neck wasn't sore at all, so today was positive just because I got though it without the harm that I thought that would happen. On the other hand though, I was thinking about the Homecoming dance that is coming up in about a week and I feel kind of bummed out because I know that I won't get a date anytime soon.

Just to let you guys know, I'm not always "Miss Sad" all the time. Most of the time I'm not sad at all, I'm satisfied mostly. But when things don't turn out the way that you want them too or when you wait and wait and wait and things are still the same, you start to get bummed out because you kind of know that things are just going to stay the same and there is no use fighting against it.

Forgive me for my mood swings, I'm not like this all the time. I'm not getting enough sleep, I'm stressed out, my neck is killing me and I have no idea whats wrong with it, and to top it all off, I have to be 3 places in one day. I'm sorry if I'm not being the "best blogger ever" and my posts are kind of lame, but I need some kind of an outlet right now, and I'm happy you are reading it. 

Worst Pain Ever

I've had the worst neck pain for the longest time. It started around last Wednesday when I slept on it wrong. I didn't think that it was a big deal but when I couldn't pop my neck, I started to think otherwise. At the concert I went to last Saturday my arm was kind of falling asleep and that was strange because my arm just felt numb and I just wondered "Why? What did I do?". Then it went away for a while and then I thought that I could get some more sleep and be happy.

This week, it came back and I was sitting in class on Thursday and out of the blue I couldn't feel my arm, I felt dizzy and I stated to panic. I made it though the day alright fine and that was just great. When I got home though, things go t worse. I just didn't feel "right" so I took some Advil and took a nap; I felt better after that, but then I started to think about all of the things that I have to do in the next week.

I have two tests on Monday, some random day-to-day living to do, plan out my clubs Homecoming float, type a 100 point essay over some question and to top it all off its almost the start of debate season.  I might just be really stressed out, but that wouldn't be an abnormal thing because I'm always stressed out nowadays and I need to do something about it, because I can't sleep and I'm not eating normally. I just want Monday to be over. If I can get through anyway, then I can probably get most of the other stuff done.

Well, I think that I post some more stuff later once I get some more sleep and after I type all of my essay. I don't care how long it takes me, as long as I get it done, then I'm set. So until then, have you checked out my music blog? It has some crazy cool stuff on there.

I'm not true to my age.

I'm not that old. I'm not going to tell you my real age because you are are going to have to find that out for yourself. So to start of this post in a positive light, I'm going to have some trivia for you guys relating to my age:

• I'm old enough to drive.
• I can get into concerts without being kicked out.
• I'm not old enough to legally drink.
• I had a president write to me when email was "new".
• I'm too young to remember Tron, but I have seen it.
• I'm young enough to have had a tape deck, and a Walkman.
• I'm young enough to have used encyclopedia in my life.
• I can get a tattoo.

But why does this matter? I'm always thinking about how people my age "don't get me" and how the people who are are older than I am get me, but I hate being so "young" if you get what I'm saying.  I try to connect with people my age, but I always get the same answer of "no" when I ask if they "Want to go to a indie rock concert that will be life changing". But I do have the rare 3 friends who are my age, exactly like me, and are willing to go to an indie rock concert with me and get home at 1AM without getting yelled at with by their parents. The bad thing is that all of my friends live in California, New Mexico and Kentucky. I do get the couple of friends that relate to me in my state, but they are always doing something "more important" (see here)

Now on the other hand, people older than me get me, but I don't want to say the wrong thing; I'm always kind of nervous when I'm talking to someone older than me because I don't want to seam like a "kid" to them.  Yes, I'm smart for my age because I'm hanging out with people older than myself. It's always been that way. For example, when I was in Kindergarten I was hanging out with kids in Third grade and helping them with their homework (no lie). I moved on from hanging out with third graders, now I'm a natural with the local punks, "crazy" people who aren't really crazy, musicians and I'm kind of good of tolerating hipsters (that was hard to say).

This is even effecting my relationships. I don't think that anyone my age wants to date me because I'm too "smart, or too strange". But I do have someone who cares, I just don't want to share that with you guys because sadly, my blog is not my journal. If I do ever feel like boring my feelings out on the screen then I'll be happy to tell you, but it isn't' now.

I always am my natural self either way though because I'm just that kind of person who likes being themselves, I'm a natural Leo. What else can you expect from me? Yes, I don't just give in to my concerns when I'm doubting myself, I keep trying until I reach my goal, or the goal gives up on me. That is just what I have to do now, keep trying to be optimistic and I'm sure that I'll make it through.

This weekend.

I feel like blogging about my week, but then at the same time nothing really happened this week.  I think I'll push out an essay that I was writing last month, but didn't have the time to finish it all. I have a show to go to tomorrow and I'm pretty hyped up about it, but my stomach is starting to have some issues but I'm still going to go. I'm not going to dance, I'm not going to start a mosh pit, I'm just going to pay my 7 dollars sit down and listen to some bands. Its a "early release party" or whatever and I'm like "What the heck? What is an early release party? There are like 3 bands playing are they all releasing albums?" I dont' think so, but I'm still going no matter what happened because the last gig I missed was some serious rockatude and hell, if this is a folk concert I'll still will be happy to go. I get to see some of my friends that I met this summer (I hope that they are going) and I can be like "how is school? School is a drag for me because I might have too much going on". No lie, I'm only going to school for Guitar club and to keep up my grades to at least a B in every class which is kind of challenging when people call you "sir" and you almost have to beat someone up for calling you "blue lunchbox kid". But I think I'll just have to write about that later.

Honest truth.

The honest truth is that I needed to vent my feelings about how I felt this Friday.  I'm not always this "mad" or whatever, but I do have to say that I'm don't want to hide my feelings if the people around me want to see how I feel about things. Honestly, I wish that that I had a magic wand and get all the things that I can manifest.

I made a promise to myself that I'm going to get through this week and write about it and go to the concert and (hopefully) start a mosh pit. I'm not sure if I'm inviting anyone because my friends don't really do the "punk rock mosh pit" thing, and that is fine with me :)

Well, I'm going to post later (hopefully) and I'm going to be guilty to do the "double post".  I"m going to take advantage of the 30% -40% off sale at the record store. I hope I can nab something good!

Self Esteeem in Low Regard.

So last week wasn't looking good in the first place, and then when I try to talk to my Debate coaches about the things that we need to be worked on so that we can actually WIN something this year, I get called out on all of my faults and and things are suddenly MY fault and not the captains fault because I bring it to the forefront. Ever since third period Friday I haven't really felt like myself and I had the bad thoughts of harming myself instead of others. I spend the majority of yesterday on the couch and felt pretty blue and kind of mad at the world for taking my happiness away and giving me this bullshit to deal with instead of all of the good things that should be in my life right now.  But it is hard to focus on the good things when the voices inside you are telling you that you "Can't do anything because you never are good enough".

Let me just say it, I hate myself sometimes. I don't hate myself when I'm happy though because I'm focusing on all of the good things inside of me to care about all of this. So when I'm happy, I don't really care what is going on inside of me and I really don't care about anyone else. But when I'm sad, I'm sad and I start to think about all of those "bad" things that I forgot about when I was happy.

What are the "bad things"? Well, the bad things can be anything varying from day to day. On Friday I was worrying about if I had the "guts" to be on the team. Deep down inside that I know that I have the "guts" to be on the team, but myself is conflicting with myself and I really have no idea what to do about it. With Debate and even life, I'm always striving for perfection and I do have to say that it is kind of bad to just be obsessed with obsession. For example lets just say that my goal for the meet day is to break to third round and try to end third round with at least 50-49 points. When I'm on my "highs" I can reach this goal, and I might even have a true shot of getting to finals, but it always ends the same, I never get to finals, I break around 30-29 points and I always loose. At the end of the day I always ask myself "Why did I even try?". It is disheartening,it really is and I want to change, but I honestly don't know how to.

Sometimes it isn't even me, it can be other people.  When I see someone with their "significant other" something there is not a time where I don't say "Why am I always single?". Once I think this, then it kind of sets me on the slippery slope into negative thoughts. The thoughts just pop up into my head like little text messages "They broke up with you because you never had the guts to say that you loved them" or "I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. No one loves me anyway.". I don't want to be a sand bag on anyone's emotions, but I think this is the reason why no one "likes" me. Yeah, it sucks when you have a really good friend and you ask them out and you have a relationship for a while and then they dump you out of the blue beacuse I'm too "passive aggressive",  "too dependent on them" and "never show my real feelings".As if that was bad on its own, then I found out that they were cheating on me with their best friend. I have been single for going on 3 years now and it isn't a good feeling.

Then my friends come around and I do have to say that I try my darnest to keep my cool around my friends, but my "real feelings" are always peeking though. Example: this summer, I tried almost every week to talk to my friends or just try to do something fun because I was feeling down myself, but what did I get? I always got that old, tired and lame excuse of "Oh, I'm doing something this weekend".  I try to tell them that I really need their help, but what do I always do? I just kind of lack when it is needed the most.  I don't even think that I have "friends" but more of the "people that I talk to when I see them in the hallway or when a thought reminds me of them". A friend for me is right next to me riding my own emotional roller coaster and is screaming right along with me. I don't see too much of that these days because I'm the metaphorical weight in my old friendships, and the friend who is just "there". I wish I was cool enough to talk to all of my friends about these things, but they won't care. They are just going to read it and say "oh well that sucks for her". Or if I did let them read this, then they would see that I'm not the same person inside and out and that will freak me out.

I think that I can only say "I hope you fall down a well and die" so many times. When you are me, there is at least one person wherever I go that I will be saying that too. I'm not mean, trust me. I'm as far as mean can get. But when people mess with me enough, I kind of just want to quit, give up and say "Go to hell and fall down a well" and then it is on to the next person. People hate me sometimes, and that isn't the low self esteem talking. I could talk about all of the times I've been hit, kicked, punched and waked but I wont. I just keep it inside of me and just something or someone will just do one little thing and I will explode like a volcano.

If it doesn't come out, then I will just keep it in. And thank God that I didn't kill myself this Friday. I just don't go and say "Oh, well my life sucks, let me go kill myself." I work my way up. I cry to start off because I'm upset. If crying doesn't work, then I try to do something fun, if that doesn't work, then I think bad thoughts, and if that doesn't work I try to talk to someone about it, but no one wants to talk. The last resort that I turn to is harming myself. I haven't harmed myself in about 3 or 4 years, which is a good thing, but when I feel like this, I just hurt myself with my own thoughts. I found it strange this weekend though because I just couldn't harm myself. I don't know if it was all me, but I just couldn't do it. I guess I had to write this instead.

The other debate coach kept repeating this quote with tears in their eyes but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. I was forgetting it on purpose, but it went along the lines of "go for what you want" and "get what you deserve". I want to say that I didn't care, but I do care about what was said. And I will try my best to get what I deserve in life, even if it takes a damn long time. I have another meeting with the coaches soon, and you can bet 3 dollars that something is going to change and it won't be a "pity party".

If you read all of this. Thank you. I really need someone right now.

A good use of time.

I'm on my free period right now and I thought about blogging from school for once. The strange thing is that no one is in here. When I used to come in here last year, I couldn't find a place to sit, but now I can sit down and type as I please.

I was like "Is blogger blocked? but then it wasn't and I was happy. I can't think of anything to type right now, so I'm just going to cut it short here.

I might feel like typing when I get home, but it isn' t a full "yes" or "no". It all depends on how I'm feeling later.

Happy Paradox

I'm feeling good right now, but at the same time, I'm feeling somewhat lonely. No, I don't' think that school is doing it, because I'm having a really good time (as of today...). I call this the "happy paradox" because I really don't know what I'm feeling right now, and I might as well embrace the paradox.

I'm just going to say it, I really do miss all of my friends and I need someone to talk to. I just can't talk to people who really don't' care about my life and everything that I've been through. So therefore I, just want someone to care right now.

Here is the thing though, I'm kind of nervous to talk to my friends. I just don't want to say "Whats up?" when we haven't seen my friends for like, 4 years. That's just odd. I'm not really a fan of this "Digital Age" because I'm really about to take out my pen and stationary and write my friends a good old fashioned letter. But why write a letter when everyone has text messaging and Facebook? Yeah, I tried and I counted the 6 failed attempts of trying to gather my friends over the summer, and I spent it all alone with my summer homework, Albums and my guitar.

I'm not in that "writers" mood right now because this new 6 hours of sleep thing isn't really for me yet. I'm going to cut it off here and (try) to finish this up when I get home tomorrow.

Mad rush of freedom.

This is the last Saturday of my summer vacation and I still have some homework to do. It is also the last Saturday of my summer and I still want to capture my last "mad rush of freedom" that I have left inside of me.  I bet your thinking "well, she still has Saturday and Sunday when she is in school off right?" that is false. See, I'm in this soul crushing club called Speech and Debate. I'm getting so fed up with it, I'm going to give you readers a look inside my life as a Debater. And I will post that today. So why am I up this early in the day writing about my the last hours of my summer vacation? I'm writing this because I'm exhausted and can't sleep, and because I'm worried sick about school.

What I have to do.
I have 2 days and a couple of hours to do the following so I won't be all worried and stressed out on Monday.

1. Finish the History Packet.
2. Type the 5 History short responses.
3. Write the "best of" list.
4. Write the huge essay on that 600 page collection of short stories and relate it to "modern day America"
5. Create the hate filled blog post about how much I hate Speech and Debate.
6. Write some stuff for The Sound Collection.
7. Get the rest of my school stuff.
8. Take advantage of my 25% off coupon.

Oh, by the way, I'm trying to do all of this stuff off of 5 hours of sollid sleep. I'm sore as heck, kind of mad, and stressed out. This is for sure not a good way to spend a Saturday. But you know what they say, Carpe Diem.

(I got 100 visitors, so I'm going to change my blog theme back to the way it was :)

Classes...

My academic year starts on Monday, so I'm kind of pumped that I (finally) got my classes today. I'm still not quite done with my summer homework, but that's fine because most of my peers haven't even started yet (I'm almost done. Whoo Hoo!!). I'm not really looking forward to going back to school (if you know what I mean..) I'd much rather rock out with my band, buy Cd's, go to concerts, and rock out. I still have time for that I guess, but I have to get that debate stuff out of the way first. So here is my class listing.

We have a alternating schedule (one day 4 periods, another day 4 periods) so here is what I got.

Day One
1.Health (first semester)/Off period (second semester)
2.Debate
3.Freshmen Seminiar helper (quarter one)/Psychology and Sociology of Sports next semester
4. Algebra 2. (I hate math...)

Day Two
1.AP Lang and Comp
2.AP US History
3.French 3
4.Chemistry Honors.

That doesn't sound too bad, but I don't have my off period! Yeah, I can get to school later and sleep more, but I would rather do my homework sometimes. I'll keep you all posted on how I'm doing throught the year.

An open letter to Canada.

Dear Canada,
You are awesome. I haven't been able to visit you, but I have seen many a television documentary about you and you are just awesome. You remind me of a huge chunk of land full of awesome natural wonder. I should also say that you are very cold. I'm not too fond of cold weather, but I deal with it every fall and winter, so it doesn't really matter to me. I have herd that it does get a nice 23 Celsius some days, but to me that is still kind of cold. When I was in elementary school I had to take a Canadian history class (I still don't know why). You do have quite an interesting history, but I still don't understand why most of Canada is loyal to England, and Quebec is...Well, French? Anyway, I think that you have a nice history.

When I think about it Canada, you guys are kind of like me when it comes to war and conflicts its a "meh" kind of thing. I know you back up the people who can fight, and can kind of fight on your own, but for the most part you just don't get into it. I like that. Is your military bored? They don't really do anything. If I was to join a military, I would join yours because you look like you think before  you act.

You also have some awesome food. When you put pizza and Spaghetti together you get the best combo of my favorite food ever. I could go on and on about your awesome food and such, but that is just for later.
No lie, I could stay on the topic of food for a while, I could even write a whole post on food. I won't though.

I also love all of the various accents that you have Canada. I'd do anything to trade my lame, American Accent for a Canadian one.  My accent is kind of like a mix between an American newscaster,  typical skateboarding teenager, and the flair of a speech and debater (have you heard us talk?).  Like I said, I would just love to speak like an Canadian. I would love to speak French with a French Canadian Accent. Anyway, the way you guys talk is just the best.

So, if you do read this Canada, please just let me know. :)

Your Friend,
riotxgrrlxamy

Tattoos

I really want a tattoo. I was thinking of a dragon with fire or something, or a dharma wheel. I just want something different and something that has a high value in my life. I need to pick something good because I really don't want to get laser surgery to remove the thing once I "don't like it " anymore. I want something that says "Wow, that is awesome, but at the same time, it's a work of art!" I want to get the tattoo and have no regrets. Or in other words, I want to be 75 with the same tattoo and love it just as much as when I first got it. I'm not sure if I want to get it now, or a little bit later. I'm thinking later because I can have some time to think about it you know? I don't want to rush a tattoo and then be like "why on earth did I get this?". If that happened, I would have to get it altered, or just get it removed altogether. I seen when people get tattoos removed, it just looks awful. Yeah, I don't think that I want that.

I was even thinking about drawing the tattoo out myself. That way, people would say "Oh wow! Who did that tatoo?" and I would reply "I drew it, some guy I know put it on me". So then that way, I could be the only one in the world with a dragon in a flame background with a pantbrush and eisel. Awesome right?

Yeah, I think that I might just go for the outlandish "Oh my God, what the heck is that" kinds of tattoos. I wouldn't go too extreme though, like a robot playing chess against a tree in an oven. That brings up something else, I shouldn't get drunk (or abuse an illegal substance, I don't anyway) when I get that tattoo. Because you know what happens when you get drunk right? I don't want to have a tattoo of Samuel Adams with a pirate hat on my left arm (sounds cool, but I don't want it).

I still have some thinking left before I really decide on what I want. That's just fine with me because I want to be happy with what I get, and keep it for the rest of my life. I guess that tattoos are really "skin tight".

What I did on my birthday

Its my birthday, and I'm one year older. I'm not that guilty, and I'm feeling ok even though I'm feeling better. Alright, you want to know what I got right?

What I got:

• The Simpson's Season 5
• The Runaways Movie - I herd that this was good, I'll have to review it for you all!
• Wii Fit Plus- It is that much better!
• Itunes gift card (did I ask for this?)
• A total of 50 Dollars (not bad, not bad...I spent most of it)
• Cards from different people.

What I bought:

• Bikini Kill and Vandals Cd's (I know, I'm going to get a review up soon)
• Another set of clothes at American Apparel (dude, I know I'm like addicted to it)
• New bracelet and necklace

So I guess I was wrong about people forgetting my birthday, even the store clerks were like (in their Vally girl voice) "Happy birthday!". That's awesome. But do you want to know what isn't awesome? I had to resister for school on my birthday. While I was waiting in line I was getting pretty mad because I had to go to see the dimwits for 9 whole months. Anyway, I got a change of councilor, which is a good thing. My old councilor said that I should just quit school now and just go to trade school, which was the the worst thing thing I ever heard. So that councilor messed up my schedule. I'm just hoping that they do fix it soon because if they don't then I won't be too happy.

Enough about school, I had a good day regardless of school. I just want to say thanks for all of the birthday wishes. Also, if you live in Colorado and want some of my Birthday cake, leave me a comment and I'll be happy to send you some (this is not a joke. I have waaay too much cake.)

Birthday Guilt

My birthday is tomorrow, and I feel kind of guilty. I don't know why. I think its because people give me gifts. You know what, I always feel like this whenever holidays are around. I kind of feel bad for asking for gifts and things. I'm happy with what I got, and I don't really need too much (if you read this post you know why). I'm sure that you don't know this (because none really asks) but I was born about 6 weeks pre mature, I weighed around 2 pounds and some extra. I was really small, no joke and I was kind of sick when I came into the world. But I made it. That's a gift in itself.

I'm guess I'm kind of sad because I know that some people will forget my birthday. Truthfully I can say that it doesn't really matter much, but I wouldn't be truthful to myself. Friends and the people that I bond with are really important to me because I highly value friendships. I don't care if I haven't seen them in 5 years, a friend is always a friend to me regardless. I can honestly say that those close to me have just dropped all contact with me. I try, and try, and try, and the only thing that they an say is "Hi". I was there when you were lame, and the only thing that I would like is for you just to say one last "hi" on my birthday.

In the end, I'm going to have an awesome day tomorrow even if I do have to go get my class schedule, and see those vile, vile people whom I so very much dislike. I do have to say that things will be different this year and if they won't be, I hope that my readers will lead me back on the right track. I'll be tweeting my birthday on twitter, so if you would like to see what I'm up too, just click on the "Follow me!" button on the right, or just click this link.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, I wasn't the happy camper that you see now. If you really want to read some deep stuff, you should check out my first blog. Yeah, it isn't for everyone...But if you do read it, remember that I changed for the better. I might write about how I'm doing now later. You might have like to seen how much I've changed!
 Just forget the typo's sorry.

American Apparel Rant and Review pt. 2

*Hey, before you start to read this, please read part one! It has all of the great information and inside jokes that you need to read to get this follow up article.*

I was thinking about doing a follow up to my most read blog post American Apparel Rant and Review. I just went back today and got some more stuff (to get into detail, I got another hat, another v neck, 2 50/50 shirts, and a hoodie). To be honest, I need to go back so I can buy a pair of pants. You blog readers just ate up my last post on American Apparel, so I wanted to do a part two which is less of a rant and is more of a review of the store. One of my readers wanted me to talk more about dressing rooms, store design, benefits, and some extra stuff.  I'm doing this review based off the store in Denver (no, I'm not dissing this store, I think its awesome! So if I say anything bad I'm not directing it at the store :) Lets start off where I was kind of lacking last time... Pants.

Pants:
They had so many! Most of them high waist, but I did find a pair of unisex (yeah I know...) "slim slacks" that where kind of awesome. I go for a size 26 in pants if I want them to stay on my waist without a belt. I tried them on and my Mom thought that they were "too slim in the waist". I had to disagree. If I wanted to do what I normally do with my pants (low off the waist, ends right at the ankles) I had to go to the 30 inch waist, even then I was like "these are too big!". I didn't buy them today because... Well I don't know why!  Anyway, lots and lots of pants here. I'll give you the link to the website so you can see for yourself.

Dressing rooms:
I was trying on pants, and I can tell you that it is hard to try on pants when you can touch both walls with your elbows (FYI, I'm 5'3 and very skinny...). I guess you can say that it is really plain. They do have a mirror and a sitting stool, just in case you need to look at yourself or sit. I never go into dressing rooms, so I can't really say what  a "good dressing room" is so I hope I did a good job describing a typical dressing room.


Store Design:
I haven't been to every American Apparel in every single place, but I do know that each one is unique. The company doesn't build stores and they try to stay away from "malls" and those other outdoor shopping places. The one in Denver is kind of small, but it does what it needs to. This is a plus because you can't get lost! How awesome is that? Lighting is good, somewhat on the dim side, but natural light makes up for it. Air conditioning is good, I could really feel it on that 103 day. The floor is concrete on one side, hardwood on another (at least I think so, I'm pretty sure it is). The sweaters and zip up hoodies are off to the left side of the door, men's clothing to the right. If you walk down to the table with the bow ties, you can find unisex dress shirts and other dressy stuff. Go off to the right and you will find skirts and dresses, keep going and you will find women's shirts. The rest of the women's clothing goes in a downward "C" shape. Once out of that "C" shape you will find the dressing rooms on the right. If you go further I'm pretty sure you will find necklaces and headbands. Go to the left and you are at the cash resister.  Like I said, its pretty small but that is a plus.

Inventory:
Each store stocks what it wants too.  (A tip for you: You can find some "store only stuff" at the store!) I have a hunch that you can find more sweaters at a Colorado store than at a California store. I have no clue if American Apparel has seasonal stuff (ie, fall collection, summer collection etc) so I can't really say if they get new clothes in. I'm sure that they do, but I can't say for myself.  I like what they have. They have clothes for you, your kid, your boyfriend, your girlfriend and even your dog. (Sorry Mom's Dad's and Grandparents! I don't know if you want to identify with these clothes, but if you want to, then show those young people!)


Staff:
The staff was nice! I think they remember who I was although I looked pretty different the last time I came in (green eye makeup, wigged out hair, blood red lipstick, band shirt, dirty Converse, and tight skinny's. I had a gig ok?) I think they all were reflections of the company, they all looked like models strait out of the catalog. Hey, they might get a discount for working there. Anyway, they weren't stuck up hipsters like we all hate. Heck, maybe they weren't hipsters. I have no idea anymore.

Store music:
Yes, I know art. Yes, I know my music too. But when you combine it, and add in some hip cool trendy synth and you got American Apparel radio! I was in the dressing room when this song came on, which was kind of strange because most people that shop here are in... (wait for it... wait for it...) Art school! Good song anyway. You can listen to AA radio here. For my over 30 readers, is American Apparel creating the latest wave of Mod revival? Are hipsters not hipsters but neo mods? Ok, thats all.

Benefits:
You can leave happy knowing that all of your clothes were made with cotton from the United States. You can also leave knowing that your clothes are quality made. Remember that you are paying for quality, and you "get what you pay for". Keep that in mind when you are buying clothes here. Never mind the "hipsters". Buying clothes at AA doesn't make you a hipster. Feel free to tell one of those customers that if you have to.

Drawbacks:
Ok, if the price isn't a drawback for you finding this store will be. (I'm speaking to my fellow Denvorites here) Can you find a parking space downtown?  If you ride the light rail, would you be willing to walk? You will most likely fight off some tourists when you are here on your visit. I did. Be friendly and show them where the baseball field is. You will also will have to deal with trying on some things at the store. Remember that the sizing charts are not standardized. In other words, if you buy a shirt online, then it probably won't be the same size as the store shirts. If it is your first visit, get use to all of the stripes (just kidding).

What I think:
Like I said before, I only support companies that I think are doing a good job, and for the most part AA is doing a good job. They have their lawsuits and all of that, but what really matters is the top notch clothing. Yeah, you might drop a pretty penny on some of the stuff, but in the end, its better than going to the GAP. I'd rather be lame and trendy but at least I know that my clothes aren't made in a sweatshop.

Here is the American Apparel website, I highly encourage you to look online first, and then go to the store and try on the clothing. You can do the whole "measurement chart" thing, but It wont be consistent.

If you haven't already, check out part one of this article. If you felt lost while reading this, I can tell why...

Stats and You

If you look at the bottom of my page, you will find two different types of stat counters. The top one is the "true stats", or just my original counter. The one one on the bottom is "another stat counter". Yes, I'm of picky with my stats because I really want to know who is reading my blog. (No, I'm not a creeper. I promise). Ok, here are my stats from 8/8/10 at 1:48. Click on the pictures if you can't see them.
blogger:

stat counter:

site meter:

So what does this mean?  It means that I get page views, but they sure are skewed. If you look at the blogger ones, you can see that I have lots more views than Stat Counter has.  I wonder why.....

Audience and Global Stats.

Blogger

Stat counter global stats: Look how dispersed they are...







Anyway, I just thought you all would like to see what I was doing with the re-design. Because you read this, I'm going to tell you that I am working on part two to my most read blog post; American Apparel Rant and Review! Its going to be awesome, so just wait for it :)

Mind the Mess...

I'm updating my blog layout right now, so if it looks kind of funky, you know why. I'm trying to put in some new cool stuff, so just wait and be patient :)

In the mean time, why not play a game?

My Jacket

This is my jacket. This jacket is a personal representation of me, what I like, music I like, and some things that I believe in. I wanted to "express" what I like on my jacket because I had a lot of buttons and a jacket in my closet that was kind of lame anyway.  So I bought some studs for my jacket. I'm not going to tell you what I used (because its a secret, well not really, I just don't want to say) So after that, I got some patches to put on the front. I'm sad to say that I didn't make them, but it doesn't really matter because I got them for a dollar a piece. Yes, I did make a patch or two, but I'm still thinking of a place to put them.  On the back, I have more studs, and some tartan in a square shape (yes, that is dental floss that is holding the tartan and the patches down). The one thing that I don't have is a back patch. I might buy one from the record store, or I might just make one. Either way, I'll tell you all about it.  Oh yeah, I did everything on this jacket by hand. I put countless hours in this thing, and I'm proud of my work. I'm not done yet, so I'll post more about my jacket.

A note on the pictures: This is my own personal picture and I don't want you to "exploit" it. If you want to use it, contact me first and please give me attribution for taking my picture :)

Another thing, I don't own any of these band logos. I'm just a fan.

Front
Buttons on left side: "Say no to emo", "Unite", Sonic Youth, Siouxsie and the Banshees, "OI!", The infamous Batman logo button, "Go vegetarian!", Clockwork Orange, Handmade anti consumerism/anti money button. Adicts patch.
Buttons on right side: Buzzcocks, lust cats, Chaos UK, DP 77, Handmade "I'm awesome pin", GBH, Union Jack, "Trash Swastika" button, Girls Rock Denver (whoop whoop!)  Pinned On Conflict patch (should I keep it?)

Yes, that is my comforter....
Back
About... 250+ studs and a square piece of tartan. Kind of boring right?

Jacket is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

If you know a good backpatch or patch that I would like, go ahead and tell me! I'll be happy to make a patch (like I have anything else to do).
Check the new reader survey too! Your imput is greatly apprecated.

Back Home!

I'm back home! Well, I got home yesterday at 2 in the afternoon, but I wasn't really feeling like writing anything major because I was too tired. I haven't taken any Advil and thats great because I'm still (kind of ) awake. I had fun and learned a lot, ate a lot, and didn't sleep a lot, but that didn't matter because I had lots of fun. I just wanted to say that I missed all of my blog readers and it doesn't matter if you comment or not. I'm happy because at least I know that my writing is being read by others and I'm happy to share a little portion of my life with you all. I don't know if I'll get to it today, but I should be posting about my awesome guitar (trust me, it is pretty awesome) and I might even throw in a post about my jacket (you have to see it to believe it). Oh yeah, I start school soon (noooo) so I want to see how many posts I can get in before I go back to the brain-drain. I don't even want to think about that now... Anyway its great to be back.

Vacation Post #1 Comic Books

If I ever want to read a book, I usually just pick up a comic book and just start to read it.  I like comic books because they are just quick reads with loads of detail in them. My favorite comic book is V for Vendetta, by Alan Moore. Yeah, he also did Watchmen and Swamp Thing, but I still like V for Vendetta for the content matter. I seen the movie, but I kind of forgot about it so, I'll have to watch it again.  Anyway V is a vigilante and he is trying to save England from an authoritarian regime. I am personally a fan of "Orwell" like novels, but even if you don't like them, I'm sure that you will like this comic. Lots of crazy gangsters, crazy cops, and even a guy with a pretty awesome mask.

I like Batman so much, I got into an argument with my best friend on the reasons why Batman is better than Superman (If you are reading this, I'm sorry... Really sorry) I also have a Batman pin on my jacket next to my Siouxsie and the Banshees and Sonic Youth pins. If that isn't dedication, then I can't tell you what is. My school library is kind of wack, so I have to fight off a pack of small children at the local library to get my fix of Batman (It is well worth it... Well worth it.) I think that I'll stencil my own Batman shirt... But I don't want to get sued.

I used to be a HUGE manga fan, but I kind of stooped reading the past couple of years. My favorite mangas are Kodocha (childs toy), Yotsuba&!, and Azumanga Daioh. If you are looking for a quick and funny read, check out Azumanga Daioh: all the funnyness of school, and all of the niceness of the comic book.

So yeah, I'm still on "academic vacation" so I'm not going to be online as much as I normally do. If you want to do some reading, check out my music blog. No, my major posts are still in development, so don't fret if there are nothing but videos.