Spring Cleaning

Its Springtime again, and this is the time of year when I start to venture out of my metaphoric cave and get things done. I was sick last week and I spend a lot of time by myself. That got me thinking. To be short, I'm tired of being alone, stuck in my house, and not interacting with other people. So, I made the hard decision to make new friends. It isn't going so well.

I haven't had a group of "friends" since 8th grade (yes, that was a long time ago! Remember, I'm not that old!). My life has been pretty bad after that. I had to leave the security of my neighborhood and my best friends and transfer schools because I couldn't stand any of the pain that I had to face every day from those who hated me. Eventually, I transferred schools, and had an even harder time getting used to everything. I was angry, scared, confused and sad. Every day sucked for me. I had to rely on the only thing that was going to get me through the rush of life: academics. In short, I became a really smart geek who collected albums, listened to punk rock, went to concerts and debated every weekend (I still am that way). I was (and still am) isolated, and quite lonely.

Books can take you places that are far away, but they aren't a replacement for people. You can play as much guitar as you want to, but it isn't fun to play if anyone isn't listening. You can get to finals in debate as many times as you want to, but no one cheers with you when you win. You can go out on a Friday night, but it really doesn't matter if no one is with you. I'm tired of being by myself. I'm tried of doing things alone. I'm tired of having "friends" who are there with words, but not with feeings.

I'm lonely. I'm tired of being lonely. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who to talk to, or where to go, or how to feel. The only thing that I want right now is for someone to listen to me, and to hear me out for just a little while. I just want someone to tell me something other than "it gets better", because I'm not seeing it. I just wish someone was here. I want someone who isn't going to leave me when they "took what was needed". I just need someone who understands, and that is very hard to find right now. 

I'm not true to my age.

I'm not that old. I'm not going to tell you my real age because you are are going to have to find that out for yourself. So to start of this post in a positive light, I'm going to have some trivia for you guys relating to my age:

• I'm old enough to drive.
• I can get into concerts without being kicked out.
• I'm not old enough to legally drink.
• I had a president write to me when email was "new".
• I'm too young to remember Tron, but I have seen it.
• I'm young enough to have had a tape deck, and a Walkman.
• I'm young enough to have used encyclopedia in my life.
• I can get a tattoo.

But why does this matter? I'm always thinking about how people my age "don't get me" and how the people who are are older than I am get me, but I hate being so "young" if you get what I'm saying.  I try to connect with people my age, but I always get the same answer of "no" when I ask if they "Want to go to a indie rock concert that will be life changing". But I do have the rare 3 friends who are my age, exactly like me, and are willing to go to an indie rock concert with me and get home at 1AM without getting yelled at with by their parents. The bad thing is that all of my friends live in California, New Mexico and Kentucky. I do get the couple of friends that relate to me in my state, but they are always doing something "more important" (see here)

Now on the other hand, people older than me get me, but I don't want to say the wrong thing; I'm always kind of nervous when I'm talking to someone older than me because I don't want to seam like a "kid" to them.  Yes, I'm smart for my age because I'm hanging out with people older than myself. It's always been that way. For example, when I was in Kindergarten I was hanging out with kids in Third grade and helping them with their homework (no lie). I moved on from hanging out with third graders, now I'm a natural with the local punks, "crazy" people who aren't really crazy, musicians and I'm kind of good of tolerating hipsters (that was hard to say).

This is even effecting my relationships. I don't think that anyone my age wants to date me because I'm too "smart, or too strange". But I do have someone who cares, I just don't want to share that with you guys because sadly, my blog is not my journal. If I do ever feel like boring my feelings out on the screen then I'll be happy to tell you, but it isn't' now.

I always am my natural self either way though because I'm just that kind of person who likes being themselves, I'm a natural Leo. What else can you expect from me? Yes, I don't just give in to my concerns when I'm doubting myself, I keep trying until I reach my goal, or the goal gives up on me. That is just what I have to do now, keep trying to be optimistic and I'm sure that I'll make it through.

What I did at band practice: Day 4

We are (semi) famous! Our gig got in a newspaper, so even more people will most likely show up for the show! Like I said, I'm really glad that we are going last. I need to get around my stage fright, but I think I can do that in about a day or two. All of our songs are sounding solid as ever, and my solo keeps changing, but thats fine, whenever I change it, it always sounds better than it did the first time. Everyone is excited, I am too, but yes, I'm kind of nervous. Who wouldn't be? I'm "fine" but I wish it over, but I'd feel even better if it was over.

Here is what we did today
8:00: Arrive at friends house
9:00-12:00: Practice!
12:00: Lunch
1:00-3:00: More Practice
4-15:4:30: Break
4:30-5:00: Even more practice.

We keep doing less and less! That's great. Like I said, I just want this to be over and done with so I can get back to having my "free time" over summer vacation. Oh, we can't decide on what to wear. I'm going to do what I always do: T - shirt, Jeans, and sneakers. They can do whatever they want to, but I already know what I want to do. We will work it out tomorrow.

Yes, I will be posting my "Friday 5" tomorrow, no matter what time I get home.

Typical summer conversation with friends.

Summer is bad enough for me this year, I think I have a little too much on my plate. I have a month left of college classes (I'm getting ahead), band practice all next week, and volunteer work. I guess I got the brilliant idea to contact all of my friends and ask "Hey, want to do something next week?". It doesn't sound bad when you think about it, there is nothing wrong with hanging out with friends and talking, or doing whatever you  do with friends, but the conversation always ends up like this:

Me:Want to go to the park or something this week?
Friend:Oh sure! What day?
Me:I was thinking Wednesday because I get off early.
Friend:Oh, I can't do Wednesday. I have plans with some kid that you don't know.
Me:(Takes a deep breath and remembers "happy place") Ok,well, how about Saturday?
Friend:No, I'll be out of town for the weekend.
Me:Alright, fine. Are you going to be in town any time time next week?
Friend:I should be :)

So then I wait a week, or two, or three. Then I got kind of mad:

Me:So, are we going to go to that one place?
Friend:What one place?
Me:The park? The bowling alley? The skate park?
Friend:Well, I can't D:
Me:(Holding back extreme anger) Why can't you? I waited a week or three and you give me the same answer!
Friend:Sorry :( I'll be here all next week if you want to hang out.
Me: Oh, I have plans. (Or, I don't want to hang out because you don't want to hang out with me.)

I think my friends are avoiding me. I'm not lame or anything like that, I love having fun. I just like to have fun in odd ways. One time, I asked another one of my friends if they wanted to  go to the independent movie theatre in town. They said "yes", and I really couldn't wait. Then when the day came around they call me and say "I can't go today, I'm grounded." Then I look on Facebook an hour or so later,  and my news feed says "I loved the amusement park today! Movies tomorrow :)"  If I had my way, I'd go to that other movie theater and sit right behind them and pour buttered popcorn on their sorry head. Of course I wouldn't do that, but what's stopping me?

Either way, my vacation is half over. I know whats going to happen in about 2 months:
Friend:Want to go to the movies this weekend?
Me:No sorry, I told you I'm working.
Friend:Oh, we never hang out. We should see each other more.
Me:I tried this summer, you "never had the time", or you went to the movies with your "other" friend.
Friend:...That's right.
Me:By the way, you missed my birthday.
Friend:Happy (late) Birthday!
Me:Sorry, I don't do the "late" birthday thing. Guess you have to wait 'till next year :)

I'm not a needy friend, but I recommend this article for further reading.

Related articles by Zemanta

• What To Do When You're The Needy Friend [Friend In Need] (jezebel.com)