Choice words

Let me just say that I need to talk to my BFF and I really don’t want to bitch about anything. 

We had plans to hang out on Tuesday; or as I know it “Open mic night!”. It’s one of the only things that I look forward to because I get to see my friends. No really, the people that care about me the most in this life.  I don’t get to see them as much as I want to because I’m at University, but that one day of the month, I can finally take a microphone and say “Most of the people I know are huge assholes and I’m so fucking happy to see you all.” 

They get it. My friends are basically older versions of me, except they have more tattoos and jobs. But they get it. They know what it is like to live on a small budget and (happily) accept the small amount of cash that they earn from shows. But despite that, they know that music comes before the money anyway.  For the most part, they know how it is to not be apart of society because they don’t want them there, or because they left in the first place. We share the same struggles, and I’m extremely grateful for them. 

On Thursday, I’d though that I would see my BFF there. I even saved them a seat, to my right, in the second row. But after 25 minutes, I just knew that they weren't going to show.  As I sat in the shaky wooden chair, a part of my heart sank. They knew how much that this one night means to me, and they even told me that they would show, but why weren’t they there? I chewed on that question all night, and after a while, I just told myself to have fun and enjoy my time there. 

Another one of my friends asked me what I was doing on vacation. Because I didn’t have anything to loose, I just put my emotions in a metaphor and told them:

“I’m not doing too much on vacation. I’m mostly waiting, I don’t know what for,  something to happen I guess. But for now, I’m just sitting on my couch, listening to Joy Division. They know me better than I know myself right now.” 

I didn’t plan to read anything beforehand, so I just decided to talk about how I wan’t to just walk in the wilderness and just hope that I can enjoy things there. Everyone practically agreed, so I didn’t feel as bad. There is just something that I like about the forest, or just mountains. It is just quiet. I can think without distractions and my soul can breathe and relax. I have nothing to loose, and no one to think about except myself. I tend to not do that when I’m at home, like I am now. 

That is what I did yesterday. I just thought about things I really want to do and I did them. I read books, and just told myself to be happy and to not care about what other people do. It is my life after all. But the people in it help me through and I guess the right people are there at the right times. One of my other friends from the neighborhood asked me if I wanted to hang out and watch movies all day. I said yes. I miss everyone that I had to leave behind, and although I don’t see the people from my town as much as I want to, I know that they care about me. 

To go back to open mic night, another one of my good friends told me about how much they like having me around:

“Things just wouldn’t be the same here without you. I’m glad you are here, remember that.” 

At this point, I think I don’t care what anyone thinks about me because I know who does; my friends do. That makes me happy. But I’m not happy when I don’t understand why people do the things that they do. 

It’s hard right now because I’m vacation, I’m basically cut off from people. I stay in my room, I read, play guitar, eat and sleep. It was great for the first couple of weeks because I could do whatever I want without obligation. After a while it got boring, I don’t have experiences with people as I normally would. I miss that. and it would be even better if I could have shared something that I really enjoy with my friend two days ago. 

I keep telling myself that it is ok, and that I would be fine, but I know that something is different. I don’t know what, but something has changed. I’m not too happy about that. 

This morning, my BFF showed me this listing for an apartment. We had plans to move in together, so we could cut costs and just have fun. The apartment is nice and close to campus, so I don’t really have any complaints there, but when I seen it, I just wanted to say: “No, I don’t think that I want to be there anytime soon” but that would be mean. I just told them the truth: “Hold off on the listing for now. I applied for a residency position, and I really would’t want to spend money on a place I wouldn’t live in”. That’s it. I haven’t heard anything since then. I don’t really care, but you know that I do. I honestly don’t care if they read my text message, and haven’t replied. I don’t care if they are fuming angry and mad as hell at me, or if they aren't.  I’ll just take these feelings out on myself for now.