Not My Month

February hasn't been my month. So far, I had to survive a break up, endure valentines day alone, loose a friendship or two and adjust to single life. It hasn't been going too well. I keep saying to myself: "You can just text them your feelings, they know everything about relationships and I will feel better soon.". It isn't turning out that way though. If I wanted to do that, I would have to work out our friendship. I desperately want to, but I can't take that on right now. Everything just sucks. I think that if I attempted to say "Hello", I would probably would get my face punched in, or punch their face in. I just can't forget what how they treated me. I tried my ass off to get things done in that relationship and I didn't get anything in return. That isn't fair. I just can't come in a week or so later saying "Oh, I'm just going to forget how you treated me for those 43 days, I want to be your best friend again." That isn't going to happen, and it wont probably happen for a while.

My emotions have been all over the pace recently. Its been a great variety of angry, depressed, and just disappointed. I'm angry because I'm so stressed out and it feels like my life is spiraling out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm depressed because I can't talk to my friends or just anyone in general about whats going on in my life. And I'm disappointed because I'm putting my best effort into everything and my best effort isn't working. I get angry before anything. I admit it, I don't think things through sometimes, but I usually do.

Most of those times I choose to be angry. When I'm angry, I tend to punch things. Walls, pillows, doors, it doesn't matter. I punch with my right hand. Two or so weeks ago, I injured my hand pretty bad. I thought that I broke it, it was swollen, bruised and just painful. I didn't break it, but it sure felt like I did. I told the doctor that I dropped a 20 pound text book and my wist went the wrong way. I was punching a pillow yesterday while I was crying and I realized that I probably injured my wrist hitting something. It still isn't healed all of the way. I could probably benefit from some physical therapy, but I don't have any money for that right now.

I'm also trying to find a new Therapist. I thought it would be easy, but it is hard when you don't have a job that pays well (come on, I'm an artist for crying out loud! I "work" in the summer, I'm too busy with school to work) and when you can't open up to people (aka therapists) that well. So far I've burned though 5 therapists/psychologists/councilors in the past 4 years. It isn't cool when you go to a person asking for help, and you only go 3 times and leave because the price is too damn high. That really makes me frustrated. It feels like I need money to talk to people, and that I need money to get the help that I need.

It gets even worse because I can't even talk to my own friends. This is for a couple of reasons. First of all, most of them don't know that I've had fits of depression and bipolar disorder for the past 6 or so years. They don't know that I cry myself to sleep most nights because I'm so alone. They don't know that I haven't had a real conversation with a real friend since middle school. They don't know that I have to face the day every day with a "Smile on my face" because if I don't, I risk being singled out in my clubs and social endeavors. They don't know that I need them right now.

I know that things are going to get better sometimes. I wake up every morning saying "Today will be a good day. Nothing is going to stop me." but something always does. I thought today would be different than yesterday. I really thought that today would be the best day of the week. It wasn't. I could really go in depth with this, but when every day is the same, I really don't know when I things will get better. I'm not even sure if I have hope right now.

Crossroads.

Its one day after V-day and I really don't know how I feel about things right now. I made it through V-day sane, and ok, but I still don't really know what to do. Yesterday, I was on the right track "Hey, I'm single! I get to do whatever I want! I'm going to buy those 70 Dollar custom vans that I've been wanting." but I guess I'm going to wait for a while.

I just settled down for my afternoon nap this afternoon and then I get the dreaded "text from my ex". "I miss you". At that moment, I wondered what's next? So then I asked "Why". "Why are you miss me so much?". Not too long after that, I got this back "Well that thing you said on Facebook really made me sad". To be honest, I really don't know what is sad about this quote "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.". Seriously, I could be bitter over Facebook and say something like "I hope you fall off a cliff, you suck", but I took the moral high road this time around and decided not to be mad.

I didn't really feel like thinking at this time, but when I did I realized that this is a serious issue. Do I want to be friends with them again? Should I be friends with them again? Do I just forget about the things that they said and return back to normal life? I'm at a crossroads here. If I'm "friends" with them again, then we will most likely start dating again and then things are going to go back where I started.

Thinking things over would most likely be the best thing to do right now. Look, I don't want to be single right now, but I think that being single is the best option for me now. I do value this friendship, but I dont' want this failed relationship to ruin it. I have to tell them sometime, but it probably won't be this week.

Over and Out

Image by mugley via Flickr

43 days and its over. Really, I'm not surprised, but I'm more disappointed. Not entirely in the other person, but then again, I'm not entirely disappointed in myself. It always happens like this, it goes among the lines of "oh, well you weren't committed." "You weren't this." "You weren't that." It is all bullshit. I guess the timing pretty good because valentines day is just 2 days away.

I want to say that this break up was "painless" but that would just be a lie; every break up is painful, but sometimes they just don't hurt as bad. Its like getting a paper cut on your hand, and one on your fingertip; they both hurt, they are both on the hand, but you will feel the one on the tip of the finger more.

I'm not sad right now, I'm more disappointed in myself and the situation I'm in. Put yourself in my shoes for a second; I've been single for 3 years, people break up with me for really stupid reasons and I been dumped on or before valentines day twice. You can see where I'm coming from. I just want to know what I'm doing wrong. I'm not a bad person and I'm not a bad date. It really makes me mad when people make up a bullshit excuse or "dumb things down" to "lessen the impact". I'm not going to feel better if I keep thinking about "how lame I am".

I went to bed at 2:15, I was still trying to digest everything. To be honest, I still dont' know what went on. Everything is so confusing. When this was happening at 8 ish last night, I was kind of tired and pissed off. I only talked to them because I "wanted to know if we were doing anything tomorrow. Its going to be a nice day". Frankly not. I got all the reasons why "this couldn't work" and "why both of us shouldn't be dating" and all of this unnecessary rubbish. I then used my time honored debate skills and said something among the lines of this: " I see your point, and I know that it it is valid. The thing is, I know that you were trying to break up with me for 2 weeks. I'm not stupid".

I don't even know if I want to be friends. I don't want to be friends with them right now, that is a sure thing. We were good friends in the past until the same thing happened the "Oh, I think we are done dating. We never do anything."  I then just quit talking to them for a good while and then out of the blue, "want to go out?". I flat out said that "This isn't going to last if you don't give me some space to focus my responsibilities" and they agreed. It sucked when they used that against me. "We never do anything, you are always doing something". Really? I never would have guessed (bitterness over). Friends are there when you need them, and there when you don't. This isn't going to happen right now. I don't know about the future, but I doubt that would happen.

I learned 2 things from this: Don't EVER date an Ex no matter how long its been. Also rebound relationships hurt the non rebounder too. I don't care how long its been, how many people you dated since you last dated your Ex, how great and fantastic your self esteem is, or any of that. Never date an ex. Its like déjà vu every time you see them again, nothing is going to change, it never will.  If you are thinking of a rebound relationship, keep the other person in mind. Think of all the pain that you might cause someone else. Think about how you will make them feel when things are over and done. They might cry themselves to sleep every night, lash out at friends and family, or grow to hate you in the long run. Keep that in mind before you fall into a relationship

On dating

I talked to my significant other last weekend and we settled on three dating events: concerts, tattoos, and dinner. When I thought about it, I realized that I should blog about dating.


Clothing.
I'm pretty relaxed when it comes to clothes. I weir whatever I feel like wearing. I go back to my punk roots often, and I sport my handmade jacket sometimes, other times I'll feel fine with my favorite combo: band T-shirt, pants, and Doc Martens. Sometimes I feel like spoofing my debate centric life too; Blazer, Band shirt, jeans, slip-on vans. I think I cover both sides of the spectrum well, on one side I can out dress a banker, but on the other hand, I can be ready to mosh in a split second.

I just got a haircut yesterday, and its a shag and bob hybrid. I don't really think about my hair, but I knew that it was getting too long.

So how do I dress for this "Date"? Well, I have some errands that I have to do Satruday morning, so I think I'm going to weair my new green hoodie that I bought last weekend, a plain blue T-shirt, my ultra cool "faded" and "trashy" looking skinny jeans (I wear then when I go skateboarding), my bracelets that I always wear, and my slip on Vans (I shouldn't be walking though snow/slush/ice)

Communication.
I'm socially awkward, or over polite, too formal, whatever you want to call it. I don't want to focus on me, so I have to focus on them for once. Basically, what I'm trying to say is this: I don't want to talk about music, I don't want to talk about my music collection, I don't want to talk about Speech and Debate, and I sure don't want to talk about my life. That shouldn't be too hard right? Wrong.

I really don't know what to talk about, I run out of topics a lot. My thought train goes like this:

"How was your day?"
"Did anything cool happen?"
"Something cool happened to me today."
"You know what I seen today?"
"I bought this really wicked album, but I didn't bring it with me."
"I think that music education is on the decline, do you?"
"No? well thats ok."
"How about that weather?"

I might let nature take its course. If something comes up, I'll talk about it. It isn't that hard (or not like Debate for that matter).

The Converse
(not the shoes silly, the opposite side!) Here is the deal breaker, or the thing I'm fearing the most. The Significant Other yelling, running after me and throwing things. I really dont want to have the "I was working for 19 hours last weekend, I'm sorry I didn't' go to the movies with you" speech. I really don't.  That would kill me. I don't want to apologetic for being a "wishy washy date", it isn't my fault really, blame the team that needs me, blame the kids who depend on me for homework help, blame the people who need me.

We will see how it goes. I'm highly doubting a date this weekend, but it should be coming up soon.

My day in metaphor.

I really don't want to tell you about my day, but I do want to tell you about how I feel. Instead, I'm going to talk about my day in metaphors. This should be classified as an Allegory because I'm writing about my day in a long metaphor. I had to throw some similes in here because I just couldn't get the verb tenses Alright, I'll stop being technical (if you are sensitive to the "F word" don't read the end of the 4th paragraph).

It was colder than any negative degree this morning in my room. The alarm that woke me chirped like a fire alarm, rattling every nerve inside of me. My body was thick and had a mud like composure. Today was not a day to seek out. The sky was still black, similar to looking up at space. Everything was space, just vast, cold, still and unreal.

No medicine this morning, my wrist was ok. The pain in my nerves drifted away just like breezes do in mid August. The cereal was crisp and sweet just like candy canes from 2 months ago. Soon after, the warm water on my face did little to lighten my spirit. The sun is what could lighten my day. The sun could cut the chains off my ankles and feet and give me wings to fly and to reach all of the goals that were on the highest shelf on the highest part of my highest thinking. To my dismay it was still dark outside.

I got ready for my day, and then left after that. No one told me that it was an optional day, and that I didn't have to leave early and brave ice and snow to get to class on time. No one was there, only 1/3 of the class. It was more or less empty today; just like my thoughts today.

I sent a text message again, and guess what? Still haven't' heard anything. I then resorted to my one "safe" mentality: "Fuck everything, Fuck you, Fuck this, Fuck that, I'm done." and then I quit caring. The rest of the day was suspended animation; all eyes and no words, no words and no pain. My head started to spin while the world just stayed stationary.

I drifted home, and then drifted to bed. I stayed there for a while and my thoughts drifted back to the mentality that I set in my head earlier. I realized that I can't keep up with this negative streak. I have to stay positive no mater how mad I get.

It feels like I'm loosing everything, and I wish I could go back to yesterday when I was meandering though my day. The pills brought me down into a deep calm, almost like downing in a deep conferable sea. Although I was only on a mild pain killer, the pain sure did go away for a week. I guess the medicine was the placebo. I needed to take something to feel better, and I need to replace the bad feelings inside. No matter how I put it, I know that things will get worse before they get better and when they do get better, I probably won't feel as bad as I did today.

To Cling or Not to Cling

I thought I wouldn't last a week, but here I am, 31 days later and everything is going ok. Well, at least better than I thought it would be. I think things are going well, but nothing has really changed. The date last week didn't happen, I didn't get the national slot, I didn't watch SNL this weekend, life goes on. Class has been canceled for the past 2 days due to closed weather, so I'm kind of waiting for something to happen. So I thought that I would blog about not being clingy.


I've been called "clingy" in every relationship I've been in, but I haven't been called clingy in this relationship. I have a vague definition of "clingyness" but this is taken from compiled data from the vast series of tubes called the internet. No matter where I look, I always find these 5 things in common.

You always call first.
You don't have a life outside the relationship.
You are insecure.
You are lonely
You Panic too much.
I'm going to disprove all of these things in the analytical way that I always do things.

"You always call first"
First of all I don't call people (yeah, sorry. I'm trying to lighten the mood). But I do get into the habit of texting "Good morning" at 6:30 when I leave for the day, and I always text "Good Night" before I go to bed. From my point of view, it is the right thing to do. If someone finds that annoying, I beg to differ. People like that kind of stuff, its common courtesy. In my book, texting "good day" is like holding the door open for someone you don't know. It is the little things that people don't think about too often, but when they do they really appreciate them.

"You don't have a life outside the relationship"
Again, this is not true. Have you read my debate blogging? I have a life, even though my Significant other doesn't agree with me. I'm always doing something throughout the months. Its debate season right now, but even that is starting to slow down a bit. Volunteer season is coming up soon, and if I make some money in the next couple of months I'll be recording the songs I wrote with a crapy tape deck. Yeah, I think that I have a life outside this relationship. I just think that it would brighten up my day a little if I seen them.

"You are insecure"
I don't think I'm insecure, but I'll address this anyway. Insecurity is when you don't really know what you want, or how you are going to get what you want. I'm like this sometimes, but it is always when I'm panicking. I might be one of those people who have a strong will to do something, but is afraid to do it because I'm too indifferent to my feelings. Again, I don't really know (heck, I really might be indifferent!)

"You are Lonely"
I get lonely sometimes, I'm not going to deny that. I know why I'm lonely though. Its because people "Talk and ditch" or in other words, people will talk to me for a while, but then I don't know what happens after the fact. I have friends and all of that, but I just want to hear from them some times. I haven't seen most of my friends in 4 years, and you don't know how upsetting that is. I feel like I can't talk to people about how I feel and when I do get the opportunity chance it just goes away, like the smoke from a blown out candle.


"You panic too much"
This is true. Sometimes I freak out if something isn't going as planned or if I miss a deadline or something like that. I feel like I should carry around a paper bag and start to breathe into it if I get to "panic prone". Remember that one time when I was talking about "stress related heart attacks?" I think I might get one soon.

Frankly, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if "clingy is a virtue" or if I'm crazier than a sandwich with cling wrap on it. I'm going to explain my day with metaphors so stick around and catch the goodness.