First day back at camp.

I can't really write a whole bunch like I normally do because I'm pressed for time. So I'm going to take some time out of my day to write about music camp.

I went to music camp for the first time last year and it changed my life for the better. I got to meet so many new friends and I was really happy for a week because I found the people that were like me. I loved it. I felt like I finally found one of the places that I belonged because no one was critical of me. I wasn't stressed out all week, and I felt good to connect with 5 people that I didn't know, wait a week and then become best friends. So when the application for camp came out a couple of months ago, I just knew that I had to go back to camp.

Now the time is here. I'm back at camp this year, but my good friends are gone, there are 30 more people than there were last year, and I'm still the oldest. I'm "outside" my box, but I'm starting to crawl out more but I should be fine by the end of the week, just in time for the big concert.

I'm starting to notice that I'm not as awkward when I'm around people that are like me. I'm still having a hard time making new friends, but whenever I think that I won't, I just try to remember that half of these people don't know me and that I will meet a lot of people this week and I'm sure they don't really care if I am awkward or not.

I also have to deal with the occasional "bullying" by some of the younger kids, but I guess don't really care because they are younger than me after all, and it should roll off me very quickly. It is kind of strange because I'm the oldest and I shouldn't really be putting up with that kind of stuff anyway.

On the other non related to camp side of my life, I got my test scores back, and I got a 2 on my History exam but on the bright side I got a 3 on my English. I'm kind of shocked because I was hoping for 5's on all of them, but I think that my class grade will speak louder than my test score grade in the end because I ended each class with over 100% in both classes. I'm sure that most of those people who got 4's and 5's didn't get over 100% their classes. Anyway, I don't really care about these scores, I'm more worried about the other test but that is a story for a different time.

I'll be back blogging about my day tomorrow.

Crossroads.

Its one day after V-day and I really don't know how I feel about things right now. I made it through V-day sane, and ok, but I still don't really know what to do. Yesterday, I was on the right track "Hey, I'm single! I get to do whatever I want! I'm going to buy those 70 Dollar custom vans that I've been wanting." but I guess I'm going to wait for a while.

I just settled down for my afternoon nap this afternoon and then I get the dreaded "text from my ex". "I miss you". At that moment, I wondered what's next? So then I asked "Why". "Why are you miss me so much?". Not too long after that, I got this back "Well that thing you said on Facebook really made me sad". To be honest, I really don't know what is sad about this quote "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.". Seriously, I could be bitter over Facebook and say something like "I hope you fall off a cliff, you suck", but I took the moral high road this time around and decided not to be mad.

I didn't really feel like thinking at this time, but when I did I realized that this is a serious issue. Do I want to be friends with them again? Should I be friends with them again? Do I just forget about the things that they said and return back to normal life? I'm at a crossroads here. If I'm "friends" with them again, then we will most likely start dating again and then things are going to go back where I started.

Thinking things over would most likely be the best thing to do right now. Look, I don't want to be single right now, but I think that being single is the best option for me now. I do value this friendship, but I dont' want this failed relationship to ruin it. I have to tell them sometime, but it probably won't be this week.

Over and Out

Image by mugley via Flickr

43 days and its over. Really, I'm not surprised, but I'm more disappointed. Not entirely in the other person, but then again, I'm not entirely disappointed in myself. It always happens like this, it goes among the lines of "oh, well you weren't committed." "You weren't this." "You weren't that." It is all bullshit. I guess the timing pretty good because valentines day is just 2 days away.

I want to say that this break up was "painless" but that would just be a lie; every break up is painful, but sometimes they just don't hurt as bad. Its like getting a paper cut on your hand, and one on your fingertip; they both hurt, they are both on the hand, but you will feel the one on the tip of the finger more.

I'm not sad right now, I'm more disappointed in myself and the situation I'm in. Put yourself in my shoes for a second; I've been single for 3 years, people break up with me for really stupid reasons and I been dumped on or before valentines day twice. You can see where I'm coming from. I just want to know what I'm doing wrong. I'm not a bad person and I'm not a bad date. It really makes me mad when people make up a bullshit excuse or "dumb things down" to "lessen the impact". I'm not going to feel better if I keep thinking about "how lame I am".

I went to bed at 2:15, I was still trying to digest everything. To be honest, I still dont' know what went on. Everything is so confusing. When this was happening at 8 ish last night, I was kind of tired and pissed off. I only talked to them because I "wanted to know if we were doing anything tomorrow. Its going to be a nice day". Frankly not. I got all the reasons why "this couldn't work" and "why both of us shouldn't be dating" and all of this unnecessary rubbish. I then used my time honored debate skills and said something among the lines of this: " I see your point, and I know that it it is valid. The thing is, I know that you were trying to break up with me for 2 weeks. I'm not stupid".

I don't even know if I want to be friends. I don't want to be friends with them right now, that is a sure thing. We were good friends in the past until the same thing happened the "Oh, I think we are done dating. We never do anything."  I then just quit talking to them for a good while and then out of the blue, "want to go out?". I flat out said that "This isn't going to last if you don't give me some space to focus my responsibilities" and they agreed. It sucked when they used that against me. "We never do anything, you are always doing something". Really? I never would have guessed (bitterness over). Friends are there when you need them, and there when you don't. This isn't going to happen right now. I don't know about the future, but I doubt that would happen.

I learned 2 things from this: Don't EVER date an Ex no matter how long its been. Also rebound relationships hurt the non rebounder too. I don't care how long its been, how many people you dated since you last dated your Ex, how great and fantastic your self esteem is, or any of that. Never date an ex. Its like déjà vu every time you see them again, nothing is going to change, it never will.  If you are thinking of a rebound relationship, keep the other person in mind. Think of all the pain that you might cause someone else. Think about how you will make them feel when things are over and done. They might cry themselves to sleep every night, lash out at friends and family, or grow to hate you in the long run. Keep that in mind before you fall into a relationship

Tied to the New Year.

I'm not single anymore. I didn't plan to start off the year in a relationship, but I guess the way that fate has had it this time. Hate to say it, but it feels kind of "weird" to be in a relationship again because I haven been in one for 3 whole years! I kind of forgot what to do, how things work and just what goes on.

Let me start, About 3 years ago, I met one of my good friends and not too long afterward, we started "Dating". I'd thought that we had good chemistry and all that, but like most relationships, it ended. Of coarse I took it badly, but I got over it sooner or later. When that was over, I didn't date for a while, I had crushes and things, but nothing serious. And then out of the blue while playing my first person shooter game, I get a text saying "do you want to go out?" and boy, I almost dropped my game controller! I must have been pretty happy because I totally kicked some tail earlier this day.

I'm kind of worried, because we have to keep this "underground" if you know what I mean. And to put the icing on the cake, I'm always doing something on the weekends, so I'm going to have to be somewhat innovative when it comes to dates. Hopefully, things will all fall in place in time. I'll do what I can, but fate is going to do what it has to too. I have high hopes this time around.