It's late again and I have nothing else to do than blog about all the stuff I have to deal with and listen to the first half of my Cocteau Twins Box set (you should check this out sometime. Very relaxing). So if you read my blog a lot you might know that I'm very stressed over tiny little stuff and that my neck/shoulder have been in pain for the past 3 weeks. Not too bad right? (heavy dose of sarcasm sorry). I think it just is exhaustion getting to me, but I can tell that I'm not too pleased with what I'm turning into right now.
No, I'm not in that depressed streak that I was in a couple of years ago, I'm just something different now. Most of its good, For example, I'm getting better at being me. Some of its bad though, I'm getting concerned with "being me", or in other words, I'm getting kind of worried about "being me" and how I compare to my friends that I haven't seen in about 4 or so years. If you don't know me that well, you should know that I care a bunch about everyone in my life that has done something, or been there for me when I needed it the most. It feels like I owe all of these people something, and I'm starting to play the "blame game" and I'm blaming myself for not keeping the relationships that I had.
Now, its hard for me to have friends, dates, whatever you want to call them, and keep them in my life for years or for even months. Growing up, I've went to 3 elementary schools, 2 middle schools and one high school. This made me the way I am now I guess. It was hard making friends and keeping friends when I was a kid because I didn't know how long they or myself were going to be there, so instead I went into the one thing that was constant in my life, schoolwork. I've always been smart, so it wasn't that hard to keep up my grades in school, but like always, I always overdid it and it just didn't seem fun anymore. This was at its highest point in middle school when I really started to do too much work instead of too much hanging out with friends. This lead to my 3 year depression and all of that wonderful stuff, and I frankly didn't care about anything or anyone for that matter. Then I couldn't handle people or anyone for that matter, then my grades started to slip from A's to B's to C's then D's. Then I switched schools, didn't talk to my good friends, and then started at my 4th new school. Life went on. Things got harder, I started to care less. Then one day I woke up and seen the bright light of reality, and climbed out of my hole of depression and got back where I never been before.
I realized that I've never had a real date while I was writing in my journal lying on my bed with my plaid pajama pants and my speech and debate hoodie on. Yeah, I didn't care at one time but, now I'm really starting to think "why the hell didn't I have a serious relationship with someone?". I have gotten to bond with people quite often, but before I hear the words "Do you want to go out with me?" I always get the cruel, cruel words "I'm sorry, but I think that we would just be better off if we were just to stay friends." When I hear this, no matter who says it, or even if its not in my conversation, I just want to kick the bastard who uttered those words in the mouth and tell them what it means to me. I'm guess I'm doing that with you right now, just that you are not a bastard and I'm not mad at you.
I lost hope, to a point because I'm starting to think that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to see my best friends getting married and I'm the only single one there. If that was to happen then I'm probably am going to get drunk out of my mind, drive home, and then write in my journal about how I feel inside.
I'm glad that I can share my feelings with all of you guys, but I'm sorry again that I've been kind of "gloomy" the past couple of days, but I'm not going to write a happy post when I'm feeling bad inside. That just doesn't work. I write how I feel, and I'm not going to give that up for anything or anyone. It might not be late anymore, but those "late night feelings" are going to stay with me for the rest of the day today.
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