Single Summer

I woke up today and I started to get that feeling that everything is the same. I don't think it is the "summer life" that is getting to me, but I do think that its because I'm single.

My life is like this: I get up every day, go to work/school, come back home and play guitar for a while, get on-line and check my social networks, play some video games and get ready for bed. Yeah I'm so exciting right? Oh and if I'm not doing one of these things, it must be the weekend and I'm prepping/doing some serious ass kicking at something Debate related. That's even more exciting right? It really isn't. People tell me all the time "Oh you must be really good at Debate/Video Games/Guitar because that is all you do right? You are dedicated and that is awesome!" That is true, but I'm really lacking in the "interacting with people" department. Ironic right? You'd think that a Captain of the Speech and Debate team wouldn't have a problem with talking to other people right? And that is true, I can talk to people whenever I want to, as much as I want to as long as I don't plan on having a serious relationship with them. So in other words, I'm probably going to stay single for a while.

I don't like this thought, but it's true. I already know why; I'm too nice, and I'm just too "awkward" (to hell with that word, I'm finding something else to use). Hate me if you want to, but I've only been in 3 serious relationships in my life, and right before they all broke with me they all said said the same thing; "I like you and everything, but you are just too nice, and it feels like we didn't make it out of the friend stage." The first time I heard it, I was like "What? You have to be kidding me? How can someone be "too nice" in a relationship". I was sad for a while, but it didn't really get to me. Then when I heard it a second time, I said "What? You have to be kidding me? How could I be too nice again?". Then when my most recent ex broke up with me I said "What? You have to be kidding me? Why do they always break up with me like this? Am I just a softie? Am I as soft as jello?" (of course not).As you can tell, I'm not getting anywhere. Its all the same "I like you but (insert bad excuse here)". I don't know if I always go for jackasses or if it's me. I don't want to say that I date jackasses, because that is a lie, but I also don't want to say that its my fault for the lame relationships all the time.

I always used to say "I'm going to die alone with a stack of unpublished books by my bedside. Then people are going to realize that they missed out on a pretty cool person." I also used to say that "My ex is going to date me again when they realized that I was on my way to being someone on this green planet". I don't know what happened, but I stopped saying that. I don't know what happened this time, but I'm saying it again. Although I'm working my hardest to feel better (Trust me, I'm slowly starting to feel better every day!) I really, truly, from the bottom of my being, think that I'm going to die alone with a stack of unpublished books by my bedside.

I don't know what I'm going to do to stop myself from being single. But when I try...(Ok, funny story time). When I try, the person of my interest is taken, or isn't "out of the woods yet". I got involved with this person once, but I found out they were "taken" (they totally weren't! I know this for a fact) but at least I got a good friend out of it who thought that I was awkward and pretty cool. But I don't want to settle for friends, I just want to not be alone, in my room playing guitar on weekends. I don't know how I'm going to do this. There is a voice in my head saying that "Oh, this isn't true, you won't be single for the rest of your life, just wait for a little while longer and things will be great!" but I'm starting to doubt that. It is like waiting for the Tooth Fairy, you have that hope that she "might" come so you stay up late all night but you end up falling asleep. When you do wake up, you see that your tooth is gone. That is how I'm feeling now. I feel like I need to quit waiting around and let nature take its course. But how much longer do I have to wait? I'm starting to give up.