It's been 23 days in and things are starting to get rough. Right now, I'm super occupied with the things that I have to do academically. Basically, I'm doing what I can now, to set myself up for success later. If you visit my blog often, you will understand that I'm a Debate geek. I'm putting my face out there this year, and I have a serious shot of making it to the National and State compilation that every Debater hopes and dreams for. I'm in a pretty good spot right now too. Either way, I should be quite happy that I'm this far, but I'm not.
I was sleeping yesterday because I spent the better part of 17 hours on my feet Debating. I really didn't' eat, and I was just cranky on Saturday. I just ignored the crankiness and just brought it into the round to give my arguments an "edge". The crankiness didn't really leave. I'd just thought that I would "wait it out" by staying awake Saturday night/Sunday morning. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours and finally ate something at 12. I went back to bed right after that and then my cell phone woke me up and alerted me to a new text message:"It feels like we aren't' dating". When I seen this text, I literally had a heart attack. (No I'm not joking, I did almost have a heart attack. You can get those things from shock!). I didn't go back to sleep after that. So I sat up, grabbed my phone and thought out my response. "Well, I could just say "Screw you and end this now, then when they need me the most, I'll drop them like an apple from a tree. That is harsh though, what if someone did that to me?" A little while later, I came up with "Oh, well, you know that I'm really Debate-centric right now. I haven't been this close to this kind of stage in my life." After that, I had to scramble to set up a "date" After dogging the question for a while, I had to settle on Saturday at the Highly Important Debate meet.
Now, you can't blame me for not trying, because I did try my heart out for the 3 weeks. First weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend, want to hang out?" "No, its ok, I'm doing something". Second weekend of the month: "I'm free this weekend too, I got 2 extra days off just in case" "We will see." (nothing happened). Last week: "Its my last free weekend this month, Do you want to do something?" "Oh, I have a family emergency" I gave them the benefit of the doubt ok? (Maybe something did happen. I don't know, I frankly don't want to know). If you read my blog a lot, then you would know that I was in this situation before.
I went to bed upset. Its hard to explain, but my chest felt like it was caving in. It always feels this way whenever I know when things are going wrong in life. I didn't dream about anything, and I really didn't get a good night of sleep. I didn't want to get up at 5:00 this morning; today was one of those days where you just want to stay in bed because dealing with the world "isn't' worth it". Classes went by fast today, but my anger grew fast when the day when by. I didn't want to talk with my friends at lunch. I almost yelled at one. "No one wants to hear about your God Damn Knee! I don't care! You'll know what real pain is when you know what I've been through". I'm glad that that I didn't say that. I was on edge all day and it sucked, I never want to feel this way again.
I finally made it home without getting into a verbal argument or melting down. Believe it or not, I didn't feel like getting on my computer! I decided to sit on the floor and just play my stereo. I just looked at my sealing and thought about all of the thoughts that I had. So after that I decided to write about my feelings.
So where did the name come from? Well, I need time to myself, and that is selfish; nothing wrong with that. But to me, I need to be selfish to get things done. Like I said earlier, I need to have time to myself because my personal success relies on it. I said to them on the first day: "We have to take this slow and you are going to have to be prepared to wait for me. This is a really stressful part of the year, and I got to do what I got to do."
I'm going to stop here. I really don't know what to say. I might write more tomorrow, so stay tuned...
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