Feelings

I told myself that I would start to pay attention to my feelings more, so I started to listen to all of the noise that I'm making. I don't really want to talk about how I feel because I turned it off for so long. So I guess I'll try to put words to senses.

I don't know what it is about love or what not, but it always tries to bite me in the ass whenever I get close to it. I always want to try to make love amazing, but something always stops me, just like right now. I had to think about it for a little bit today, but I think I'm sort of afraid of love though. Well, not being in love, that is nice, but more like, letting love slip away from me.

Here is an example. Last year, I dated my ex for about three months. It was my second time dating them. I thought of the opportunity as a "great second chance" but instead, it ended and I felt like all of my old emotions came back to punch me in the face. I really wish that I had the chance to not get attached to my feelings so much, because it is starting to make me upset.

I'll have to write more later. It is getting late, and I'm drowsy from this hay fever medication.

Relax

Something amazing just happened over the past three days. I finally met someone who is just as as unusual as I am. This isn't just in the regular "unusual" way. So far, we like and dislike the same things, and have been texting constantly for the past week or so. This sounds good, and it feels good to me, but I only have one problem; I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself too fast, and I feel like this could end badly.

Part of me doesn't want to believe that. This is mainly because in the majority of relationships that I get involved in start off great, but always had that element of suspicion that I always overlooked. I just don't feel that here. I put on my skeptic's lenses, and I do feel a little bit leery about some things, but come on, I'm still in the beginning stages of this new friendship. I'm going to be honest, I never gone into any friendship or relationship completely trusting my new friend. It just doesn't happen. There is still a lot that I have to learn or find out about them. Of course, I could just ask questions, but what fun is that? One of the fun parts of learning about a new person is trying to find out about how they think, and who they hang out with. I could use myself as an example. I'm a pretty mysterious person, at the surface. People usually think that I'm a brooding, anti-social jerk that doesn't care about anyone or anything. Once people loose that notion, they figure out that, I am not a brooding, anti-soical jerk that hates everyone. Usually people are just biased towards things that they don't know.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm a prefect person. I honestly have a hard time trusting people, but the good thing is that I'm working on it. I'm not the type of person that can't trust anyone and wants to control them but I'm more like "I haven't heard from them all day. What the heck?". I guess I'm a nervous wreck sometimes, but the good news is that I can change.

Ironically, this is the prefect opportunity to let me change. All I have to do is just relax and hope for the best. This is the prefect time to try. I've been trying to kick my habit of worrying for so long, but this would be the greatest way to kill it off for good. For example, I always used to freak out before my debate rounds, but then I started to listen to some of my favorite songs, take a deep breath in, and meditate. No matter how intimidating my opponent looked, I started to do this "ritual" and then I started slaying my opponents in the round. I just have to find my ritual to calm down and worry less.

I'll see where this friendship takes me. I'm not going to loose it for sure. I've been too naive in the past, and now I think that I finally know and understand what I have to do in order to make this work. This time, I won't go in fearless, and worried, I just have to remain positive and I'll see where that takes me.

Boss-less

Ready to hear me complain again? Well get ready, because you are now reading the most up to date chapter about my life.

Let me get you up to speed. I've been getting a maximum of 6 hours of sleep per day, and my migraines are worse than ever. I've haven't had time to reflect on anything or think about how I'm feeling. I've basically started to shut off my feelings and just started to just let my work dictate my life, and I'm not enjoying it very much.

I'm also being bossed around, and its about damn time that I quit being bossed around. So I've started to fight back.

We had a bake sale today, and I did what I normally do when I run concession like things. I sit around at a table, and I help people when they want to be helped. Or in other words, I help people in the most friendly way that I can. I fell like our ventures make money because I offer the best service that I can, and people enjoy that. I try to include everyone when I do projects like these, and I really enjoy working with people when I do. But I don't enjoy working with people when they tell me what to do in an "authoritarian" way. So I got sick of being bossed around, so I told them how I felt, and then I left because I didn't want to deal with other peoples bad attitudes. Sure, leaving the table wasn't the best thing to do, but I did feel better when I left for 6 minutes.

I could have calmed down and said something besides "I don't like the way that you are talking to me, I think you should take a break." but of coarse I didn't do that because I "don't want to hurt anyone's feelings". I need to remind myself that my feelings have been hurt way too many times, and that I need to start acting like the people who are hurting my feelings because being nice isn't getting me anywhere. I'm learning that the hard way.

Once I got home from the bake sale, I decided to address an issue that was bothering me yesterday. In Debate class, I was told to present the website (which I made by the way) with another captain. I had no problem with this. I was instructed to do so along with my team mate, so I did what I was instructed to do. However, I didn't do too much of anything. I just stood there; awkwardly standing not taking about my creation. I didn't know what to do. It was mostly because my many sleepless nights were catching up with me. But today, I thought that I could talk to my other collaborator about what and how I felt. I used the following non violent communication method, and I thought that things were absolutely clear and easy to understand. But apparently (and I quote from the email) "you have a lot of spelling errors" (that is a borderline insult in my mind) and "You had the time to talk about the things that you wanted to". Apparently, this is a lie to me, and I still need to respond back to that email, but I can't do anything (even sleep) until I get these feelings out.

I really want to be the same me that I am, but more assertive and less lonely. I always feel like I'm isolated in some way or another, even when I'm planning a social event, or out in one. I always feel awkward (you know I hate thatword a lot, sorry). But its true. I try to talk to people and it just doesn't go well. When I'm not working or Debating, I spend my weekends at home in my room, on the verge of sobbing, trying to find something to do and wondering why people don't like me and why I hate myself sometimes.

Probation

I’m Captain Probation - But I’m not a criminal.
They think that I’m not good enough to be a captain.
They think that I’m a liar.
They think that I can’t do it.

I think that I need a break.
I’m fine with admitting that.
I’m ok with keeping a log of all of the things that I say.
I’m fine with writing that.
I can attend all of your functions that you want
I can try to talk to these people who think I’m a joke.
I’ll try.

But if they think that they can break my spirit.
Then they are wrong.
They will be eating humble pie this Thanksgiving.

From my tumblr

Something major just happened in my Debate carer, but I don't want to tell anyone because I know that they don't want to hear me rant about how I feel. So I'm going to describe what happened.

I plan this event, this dodgeball event to be exact. I had to get everything set up. I had to talk to some people and just make sure that we had everything done. That is what I have to do - that is why I'm a captain. I know how to get things done. However, I had someone breathing down my neck and watching my every move. I got stressed out and then I grew increasingly worried about meeting my deadlines. But when I did, I passed them very quickly and then after this Monday "Dogeball day" everything went off without a hitch and I felt good about myself. I guess that wasn't true.

Today I was called into a meeting and was basically verbally blasted by our coach about not meeting my deadlines, and not being responsible. Basically, I can't be trusted for the time being by our coach. They wanted to claim that "I didn't have anything done on time, I didn't talk to the people that I needed to talk to and that I'm basically not at captain level processing right now." This is the second time that I've heard this speech. I also heard it last Friday when I got pulled out of class while enjoying our cookie party in newspaper. I should probably say that we are not even a month into school and that our debate season starts 2 months from now.

Of coarse there is an explanation for why things happen in life, and here is my own defense. I had a hard time meeting deadlines because I've been so sleep deprived in the past couple of weeks. It is still hard for me to wake up on time and to remember when all of my classes start. I've also have been having a difficult time in some of my classes (ie math) not because I'm stupid or because I don't know the material, but because I just don't have the adequate time to think about how I'm going to attack everything. I did talk to the people that I needed to, but our coach doesn't prefer e-mailing when we talk to other people for important things such as what I do. So when I said that I didn't talk to the person that I needed to talk to, I wasn't untruthful, but I guess when I told our coach that I "did" talk to them, they didn't believe me. And for all of these reasons, I think that they don't think that I can be a good enough captain. But I don't think that they really understand how hard it is for me to "be at captain level processing" right now.

It is hard for me right now because I'm dealing with the death of my grandfather. I couldn't stay though one of the events because I had to make sure that my mom was ok. And plus, that wasn't a good day for me anyway. I had to recover from being almost yelled at by my coach. Like most people, I don't like it when people get in my face and practically yell at me for not doing something. Of course I wouldn't show up to decorate shirts. I didn't feel like having fun with people who yell at me and just brush it off like it is nothing.

I'm currently taking 8 classes right now, all of them academic, no electives. 5 of those classes are high level classes, no fluff. I run 2 clubs full time and I'm also in 5 other clubs that need my attention. I'm holding down good grades in all of my classes or if not, I'm doing everything that I can to make sure that I can pull my grades up. I work flexible schedule when I can at the library shelving books and DVDs. I play in a band and I need to practice and write music when I can. I'm also recording an album on my own and I need the time to be creative. When I don't have time to relax, then you can say that I start to "loose it".

I've been pretty stressed out over the past couple of weeks mostly because I don't have time to be myself. Now that I've been probated I don't know if I would, should, or want to be involved with debate. It is kind of like a bad relationship. You love the person so much, but they occasionally want to be a jackass to you and they hurt you feelings a lot. When you finally start to say "Screw it, I'm done" they come back around and you start to remember the reason why you loved them all along. However, with my debate relationship, I'm just about at that "I'm so fucking sick of you and if you ever do anything to me again, then you'll never see me again" point. But since this is my last year, I'm going to work my ass off to make sure that I don't get reprimanded again.

And to make sure that I don't get probated again, my coaches made me meet 3 guidelines before Thanksgiving.
1) Come in at least 2 days a week to help other members.
2) Mentor a member to make sure that they can achieve success.
3) Come to all planned functions and if I can't go be sure to tell one of our coaches.

I don't think that this is such a bad bargain, but at the same time, I think that it isn't fair. I feel like I'm being *singled out*  by our coaches, but at the same time, I'm going to take this opportunity and use it to my advantage by doing everything that I can to be the best social events captain that I can be. I still am going to be a little bit bitter for a while (who knows, I might be a little bit bitter until I get my full captain status back). But trust me, I'm not a liar, I'm not a awful person, I'm not a stuck up brat that doesn't know anything. I'm a good person, that is caught up in a bad situation.

Numbers

 This a small slice of my homework for this week. I thought that it was a pretty good piece of writing, so I thought that I would share it with you.

Number of times I've wandered aimlessly around the school: 3. Number of times I've wandered aimlessly around my home: 20. Number of times I've wandered aimlessly around my home trying to find my wallet: 8. Number of time I've stayed up till 1:00 trying to end my writers block: 20. Number of strings on my guitar: 6. Number of times I've broke my guitar stings 8; high E strings 8. Number of times I've been cut by a broken high E string thus making my index finger bleed for 20 minutes: 1. Number of years I've spent in Speech and Debate: 4. Number of rounds I've Debated in: about 300. Number of times I've broken into finals rounds: 4. N umber of times I've placed in Finals: 4. Number of times I've ran for Captain of the Speech and Debate Team 2. Number of times I didn't get the Captain postilion: 1. Number of times I've won the Captain position: 1. Number of bands I've played in: 4. Number of bands I'm in now: 3. Number of bands that want me to play guitar for them: 3. Number of people that don't believe me when I tell them that I've played in bands: about 80. Number of bands I've seen live: 17. Number of bands that I would love to see live 30. Number of years spent collecting albums: 5. Number of albums that I currently have in my collection: 315. Number of people in this room that don't know what an album is: about 20. Number of “friends” that I have: 40. Number of real friends that I have: 15. Number of True Blue Best Friends that I have: 3. Number of True Blue Best Friends that moved away from my Neighborhood: 3. Number that I found on the Internet: 2. Number of times I've eaten lunch alone: 50. Number of times I've broken my wrist from punching a wall: 1. Number of painful weeks spent trying to function on my injured wrist: 3. Number of times that I've written on my blog: 238. Number of journals I've filled: 3. Number of books I've published: 1. Number of books I've published about an aardvark painting his house: 1. Age when I published my book: 6. Number of August 12^th birthday's I've had: 17. Number of weeks premature: 10. Number of Times I've heard “You can't do it”: 1,000. Number of times I've heard “You can't do it because you are a girl”: over 2,000. Number of Times I wanted to give up: around 600. Number of times I've actually given up: 0