Songwriting

I'm on summer vacation for the next four or so months, so I got a lot of time to take part in my favorite activity; songwriting. I been kind of hesitant towards songwriting for the past couple of months because I frankly don't know how to write a song. Yesterday when I started writing, I just told myself to "wing it" until something sounds great. I've written a lot of poetry, but I just stopped a while ago because I wanted to. Now that I told myself to write, I just can't stop.

I really didn't stop either. Although I really haven't written a full arrangement in a while, but I have bits of lyrics that I have scattered around in notebooks, note cards, journals and phones. I have "seeds" around everywhere that could grow into a full song if I just put the time in that I needed to. Now that I have time, I can start developing those ideas into the extraordinary songs that they are.

My friends are always asking me about my songwriting process, and what inspires me to write. I usually give the same answer: "Oh, you know, if something happens in my life, I write about it, and just see what happens". Although that is true, I try to examine the underling issues of my songs. For example, I could have the worst day in my life and decide to write a song not about being angry, but instead about how people treat other people. That could be the same thing, but I think that the motivations behind both songs is quite different. I really don't say that when someone asks me about how I write songs.

Whenever my friends ask me about my songwriting progress, most of them say "Just go for it! We are waiting for your album!". I honestly can't wait to finish whatever DIY mess I make but I'll make sure to include amazing songs.

Finally cracked.

I've been feeling strange lately. It isn't just strange in the sense of "I really don't know how I feel" but more like I just don't want to tell anyone how I feel. This is partly because I really don't know how I feel. I just can't describe it. Part of it also comes from the fact that I really can't think about anything because I'm so tired all of the time. This got annoying, so I decided to just take a time out this weekend and find out this feeling inside.

So I was sitting on my bed yesterday after going to the record store and just enjoying the day, and then it hit me. I cracked open a soda (this is kind of my new thing to do on the weekend, kick back and drink a soda or two) and I just sat, waiting to find out what I hiding on the inside. My phone suddenly blurted out a text alert, and then I knew what I was hiding from. I'm hiding from the fact that I'm in love.

That is it. I just don't like admitting it. When I do admit or at leas tell my feelings for another person to one of my friends, it's always an awkward affair (I know, I shouldn't have used the a word).  I honestly want to tell one of my friends, but it is just so strange for me. Whenever I do I usually get the "Oh really?" treatment, or a weird look. So far, I haven't told anyone how I directly feel because I don't want to risk myself becoming enraged or anything.

Then again, I just don't want to be wrong with anything. My mindset is "I can't feel any pain if I don't admit my feelings". As great as that works, I just don't like being dishonest to myself. So I guess this time around, I'm doing things the "right way". I guess this is my new stance on life, if I feel like I'm doing something wrong, then I'm doing it wrong.

I then looked at my phone, and then I realized that I got a text from the person that I wanted to talk to. At first, I was just glad that they texted me first, I hate texting first. I just don't enjoy texting people first becasue I hate all of the pressure that it brings. So this was a welcome relief. I didn't know then that this simple text back could morph into a three hour talk fest. I don't want to say anything bad because it wasn't a bad conversation, but it was one of those conversations where you just don't talk about anything and enjoy it.

Something is defiantly happening right now. I just can't put my finger on it yet. For now, I don't want to talk about all of the negative things that might happen. I only want to think about all of the good that will be coming my way. If that isn't optimism, I don't know what is.

Feelings

I told myself that I would start to pay attention to my feelings more, so I started to listen to all of the noise that I'm making. I don't really want to talk about how I feel because I turned it off for so long. So I guess I'll try to put words to senses.

I don't know what it is about love or what not, but it always tries to bite me in the ass whenever I get close to it. I always want to try to make love amazing, but something always stops me, just like right now. I had to think about it for a little bit today, but I think I'm sort of afraid of love though. Well, not being in love, that is nice, but more like, letting love slip away from me.

Here is an example. Last year, I dated my ex for about three months. It was my second time dating them. I thought of the opportunity as a "great second chance" but instead, it ended and I felt like all of my old emotions came back to punch me in the face. I really wish that I had the chance to not get attached to my feelings so much, because it is starting to make me upset.

I'll have to write more later. It is getting late, and I'm drowsy from this hay fever medication.

Relax

Something amazing just happened over the past three days. I finally met someone who is just as as unusual as I am. This isn't just in the regular "unusual" way. So far, we like and dislike the same things, and have been texting constantly for the past week or so. This sounds good, and it feels good to me, but I only have one problem; I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself too fast, and I feel like this could end badly.

Part of me doesn't want to believe that. This is mainly because in the majority of relationships that I get involved in start off great, but always had that element of suspicion that I always overlooked. I just don't feel that here. I put on my skeptic's lenses, and I do feel a little bit leery about some things, but come on, I'm still in the beginning stages of this new friendship. I'm going to be honest, I never gone into any friendship or relationship completely trusting my new friend. It just doesn't happen. There is still a lot that I have to learn or find out about them. Of course, I could just ask questions, but what fun is that? One of the fun parts of learning about a new person is trying to find out about how they think, and who they hang out with. I could use myself as an example. I'm a pretty mysterious person, at the surface. People usually think that I'm a brooding, anti-social jerk that doesn't care about anyone or anything. Once people loose that notion, they figure out that, I am not a brooding, anti-soical jerk that hates everyone. Usually people are just biased towards things that they don't know.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm a prefect person. I honestly have a hard time trusting people, but the good thing is that I'm working on it. I'm not the type of person that can't trust anyone and wants to control them but I'm more like "I haven't heard from them all day. What the heck?". I guess I'm a nervous wreck sometimes, but the good news is that I can change.

Ironically, this is the prefect opportunity to let me change. All I have to do is just relax and hope for the best. This is the prefect time to try. I've been trying to kick my habit of worrying for so long, but this would be the greatest way to kill it off for good. For example, I always used to freak out before my debate rounds, but then I started to listen to some of my favorite songs, take a deep breath in, and meditate. No matter how intimidating my opponent looked, I started to do this "ritual" and then I started slaying my opponents in the round. I just have to find my ritual to calm down and worry less.

I'll see where this friendship takes me. I'm not going to loose it for sure. I've been too naive in the past, and now I think that I finally know and understand what I have to do in order to make this work. This time, I won't go in fearless, and worried, I just have to remain positive and I'll see where that takes me.

Boss-less

Ready to hear me complain again? Well get ready, because you are now reading the most up to date chapter about my life.

Let me get you up to speed. I've been getting a maximum of 6 hours of sleep per day, and my migraines are worse than ever. I've haven't had time to reflect on anything or think about how I'm feeling. I've basically started to shut off my feelings and just started to just let my work dictate my life, and I'm not enjoying it very much.

I'm also being bossed around, and its about damn time that I quit being bossed around. So I've started to fight back.

We had a bake sale today, and I did what I normally do when I run concession like things. I sit around at a table, and I help people when they want to be helped. Or in other words, I help people in the most friendly way that I can. I fell like our ventures make money because I offer the best service that I can, and people enjoy that. I try to include everyone when I do projects like these, and I really enjoy working with people when I do. But I don't enjoy working with people when they tell me what to do in an "authoritarian" way. So I got sick of being bossed around, so I told them how I felt, and then I left because I didn't want to deal with other peoples bad attitudes. Sure, leaving the table wasn't the best thing to do, but I did feel better when I left for 6 minutes.

I could have calmed down and said something besides "I don't like the way that you are talking to me, I think you should take a break." but of coarse I didn't do that because I "don't want to hurt anyone's feelings". I need to remind myself that my feelings have been hurt way too many times, and that I need to start acting like the people who are hurting my feelings because being nice isn't getting me anywhere. I'm learning that the hard way.

Once I got home from the bake sale, I decided to address an issue that was bothering me yesterday. In Debate class, I was told to present the website (which I made by the way) with another captain. I had no problem with this. I was instructed to do so along with my team mate, so I did what I was instructed to do. However, I didn't do too much of anything. I just stood there; awkwardly standing not taking about my creation. I didn't know what to do. It was mostly because my many sleepless nights were catching up with me. But today, I thought that I could talk to my other collaborator about what and how I felt. I used the following non violent communication method, and I thought that things were absolutely clear and easy to understand. But apparently (and I quote from the email) "you have a lot of spelling errors" (that is a borderline insult in my mind) and "You had the time to talk about the things that you wanted to". Apparently, this is a lie to me, and I still need to respond back to that email, but I can't do anything (even sleep) until I get these feelings out.

I really want to be the same me that I am, but more assertive and less lonely. I always feel like I'm isolated in some way or another, even when I'm planning a social event, or out in one. I always feel awkward (you know I hate thatword a lot, sorry). But its true. I try to talk to people and it just doesn't go well. When I'm not working or Debating, I spend my weekends at home in my room, on the verge of sobbing, trying to find something to do and wondering why people don't like me and why I hate myself sometimes.