Worst Pain Ever

I've had the worst neck pain for the longest time. It started around last Wednesday when I slept on it wrong. I didn't think that it was a big deal but when I couldn't pop my neck, I started to think otherwise. At the concert I went to last Saturday my arm was kind of falling asleep and that was strange because my arm just felt numb and I just wondered "Why? What did I do?". Then it went away for a while and then I thought that I could get some more sleep and be happy.

This week, it came back and I was sitting in class on Thursday and out of the blue I couldn't feel my arm, I felt dizzy and I stated to panic. I made it though the day alright fine and that was just great. When I got home though, things go t worse. I just didn't feel "right" so I took some Advil and took a nap; I felt better after that, but then I started to think about all of the things that I have to do in the next week.

I have two tests on Monday, some random day-to-day living to do, plan out my clubs Homecoming float, type a 100 point essay over some question and to top it all off its almost the start of debate season.  I might just be really stressed out, but that wouldn't be an abnormal thing because I'm always stressed out nowadays and I need to do something about it, because I can't sleep and I'm not eating normally. I just want Monday to be over. If I can get through anyway, then I can probably get most of the other stuff done.

Well, I think that I post some more stuff later once I get some more sleep and after I type all of my essay. I don't care how long it takes me, as long as I get it done, then I'm set. So until then, have you checked out my music blog? It has some crazy cool stuff on there.

I'm not true to my age.

I'm not that old. I'm not going to tell you my real age because you are are going to have to find that out for yourself. So to start of this post in a positive light, I'm going to have some trivia for you guys relating to my age:

• I'm old enough to drive.
• I can get into concerts without being kicked out.
• I'm not old enough to legally drink.
• I had a president write to me when email was "new".
• I'm too young to remember Tron, but I have seen it.
• I'm young enough to have had a tape deck, and a Walkman.
• I'm young enough to have used encyclopedia in my life.
• I can get a tattoo.

But why does this matter? I'm always thinking about how people my age "don't get me" and how the people who are are older than I am get me, but I hate being so "young" if you get what I'm saying.  I try to connect with people my age, but I always get the same answer of "no" when I ask if they "Want to go to a indie rock concert that will be life changing". But I do have the rare 3 friends who are my age, exactly like me, and are willing to go to an indie rock concert with me and get home at 1AM without getting yelled at with by their parents. The bad thing is that all of my friends live in California, New Mexico and Kentucky. I do get the couple of friends that relate to me in my state, but they are always doing something "more important" (see here)

Now on the other hand, people older than me get me, but I don't want to say the wrong thing; I'm always kind of nervous when I'm talking to someone older than me because I don't want to seam like a "kid" to them.  Yes, I'm smart for my age because I'm hanging out with people older than myself. It's always been that way. For example, when I was in Kindergarten I was hanging out with kids in Third grade and helping them with their homework (no lie). I moved on from hanging out with third graders, now I'm a natural with the local punks, "crazy" people who aren't really crazy, musicians and I'm kind of good of tolerating hipsters (that was hard to say).

This is even effecting my relationships. I don't think that anyone my age wants to date me because I'm too "smart, or too strange". But I do have someone who cares, I just don't want to share that with you guys because sadly, my blog is not my journal. If I do ever feel like boring my feelings out on the screen then I'll be happy to tell you, but it isn't' now.

I always am my natural self either way though because I'm just that kind of person who likes being themselves, I'm a natural Leo. What else can you expect from me? Yes, I don't just give in to my concerns when I'm doubting myself, I keep trying until I reach my goal, or the goal gives up on me. That is just what I have to do now, keep trying to be optimistic and I'm sure that I'll make it through.

This weekend.

I feel like blogging about my week, but then at the same time nothing really happened this week.  I think I'll push out an essay that I was writing last month, but didn't have the time to finish it all. I have a show to go to tomorrow and I'm pretty hyped up about it, but my stomach is starting to have some issues but I'm still going to go. I'm not going to dance, I'm not going to start a mosh pit, I'm just going to pay my 7 dollars sit down and listen to some bands. Its a "early release party" or whatever and I'm like "What the heck? What is an early release party? There are like 3 bands playing are they all releasing albums?" I dont' think so, but I'm still going no matter what happened because the last gig I missed was some serious rockatude and hell, if this is a folk concert I'll still will be happy to go. I get to see some of my friends that I met this summer (I hope that they are going) and I can be like "how is school? School is a drag for me because I might have too much going on". No lie, I'm only going to school for Guitar club and to keep up my grades to at least a B in every class which is kind of challenging when people call you "sir" and you almost have to beat someone up for calling you "blue lunchbox kid". But I think I'll just have to write about that later.

Honest truth.

The honest truth is that I needed to vent my feelings about how I felt this Friday.  I'm not always this "mad" or whatever, but I do have to say that I'm don't want to hide my feelings if the people around me want to see how I feel about things. Honestly, I wish that that I had a magic wand and get all the things that I can manifest.

I made a promise to myself that I'm going to get through this week and write about it and go to the concert and (hopefully) start a mosh pit. I'm not sure if I'm inviting anyone because my friends don't really do the "punk rock mosh pit" thing, and that is fine with me :)

Well, I'm going to post later (hopefully) and I'm going to be guilty to do the "double post".  I"m going to take advantage of the 30% -40% off sale at the record store. I hope I can nab something good!

Self Esteeem in Low Regard.

So last week wasn't looking good in the first place, and then when I try to talk to my Debate coaches about the things that we need to be worked on so that we can actually WIN something this year, I get called out on all of my faults and and things are suddenly MY fault and not the captains fault because I bring it to the forefront. Ever since third period Friday I haven't really felt like myself and I had the bad thoughts of harming myself instead of others. I spend the majority of yesterday on the couch and felt pretty blue and kind of mad at the world for taking my happiness away and giving me this bullshit to deal with instead of all of the good things that should be in my life right now.  But it is hard to focus on the good things when the voices inside you are telling you that you "Can't do anything because you never are good enough".

Let me just say it, I hate myself sometimes. I don't hate myself when I'm happy though because I'm focusing on all of the good things inside of me to care about all of this. So when I'm happy, I don't really care what is going on inside of me and I really don't care about anyone else. But when I'm sad, I'm sad and I start to think about all of those "bad" things that I forgot about when I was happy.

What are the "bad things"? Well, the bad things can be anything varying from day to day. On Friday I was worrying about if I had the "guts" to be on the team. Deep down inside that I know that I have the "guts" to be on the team, but myself is conflicting with myself and I really have no idea what to do about it. With Debate and even life, I'm always striving for perfection and I do have to say that it is kind of bad to just be obsessed with obsession. For example lets just say that my goal for the meet day is to break to third round and try to end third round with at least 50-49 points. When I'm on my "highs" I can reach this goal, and I might even have a true shot of getting to finals, but it always ends the same, I never get to finals, I break around 30-29 points and I always loose. At the end of the day I always ask myself "Why did I even try?". It is disheartening,it really is and I want to change, but I honestly don't know how to.

Sometimes it isn't even me, it can be other people.  When I see someone with their "significant other" something there is not a time where I don't say "Why am I always single?". Once I think this, then it kind of sets me on the slippery slope into negative thoughts. The thoughts just pop up into my head like little text messages "They broke up with you because you never had the guts to say that you loved them" or "I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. No one loves me anyway.". I don't want to be a sand bag on anyone's emotions, but I think this is the reason why no one "likes" me. Yeah, it sucks when you have a really good friend and you ask them out and you have a relationship for a while and then they dump you out of the blue beacuse I'm too "passive aggressive",  "too dependent on them" and "never show my real feelings".As if that was bad on its own, then I found out that they were cheating on me with their best friend. I have been single for going on 3 years now and it isn't a good feeling.

Then my friends come around and I do have to say that I try my darnest to keep my cool around my friends, but my "real feelings" are always peeking though. Example: this summer, I tried almost every week to talk to my friends or just try to do something fun because I was feeling down myself, but what did I get? I always got that old, tired and lame excuse of "Oh, I'm doing something this weekend".  I try to tell them that I really need their help, but what do I always do? I just kind of lack when it is needed the most.  I don't even think that I have "friends" but more of the "people that I talk to when I see them in the hallway or when a thought reminds me of them". A friend for me is right next to me riding my own emotional roller coaster and is screaming right along with me. I don't see too much of that these days because I'm the metaphorical weight in my old friendships, and the friend who is just "there". I wish I was cool enough to talk to all of my friends about these things, but they won't care. They are just going to read it and say "oh well that sucks for her". Or if I did let them read this, then they would see that I'm not the same person inside and out and that will freak me out.

I think that I can only say "I hope you fall down a well and die" so many times. When you are me, there is at least one person wherever I go that I will be saying that too. I'm not mean, trust me. I'm as far as mean can get. But when people mess with me enough, I kind of just want to quit, give up and say "Go to hell and fall down a well" and then it is on to the next person. People hate me sometimes, and that isn't the low self esteem talking. I could talk about all of the times I've been hit, kicked, punched and waked but I wont. I just keep it inside of me and just something or someone will just do one little thing and I will explode like a volcano.

If it doesn't come out, then I will just keep it in. And thank God that I didn't kill myself this Friday. I just don't go and say "Oh, well my life sucks, let me go kill myself." I work my way up. I cry to start off because I'm upset. If crying doesn't work, then I try to do something fun, if that doesn't work, then I think bad thoughts, and if that doesn't work I try to talk to someone about it, but no one wants to talk. The last resort that I turn to is harming myself. I haven't harmed myself in about 3 or 4 years, which is a good thing, but when I feel like this, I just hurt myself with my own thoughts. I found it strange this weekend though because I just couldn't harm myself. I don't know if it was all me, but I just couldn't do it. I guess I had to write this instead.

The other debate coach kept repeating this quote with tears in their eyes but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. I was forgetting it on purpose, but it went along the lines of "go for what you want" and "get what you deserve". I want to say that I didn't care, but I do care about what was said. And I will try my best to get what I deserve in life, even if it takes a damn long time. I have another meeting with the coaches soon, and you can bet 3 dollars that something is going to change and it won't be a "pity party".

If you read all of this. Thank you. I really need someone right now.