How to write a debate case that will get you to 3rd round at a National Qualifing Meet

I did this once. I don't know how I excatly did it, but I did do this. I got to third round at a National Qualifing meet although I was the last ranked in my catagory.  In other words, I kicked some serious tail that day.  I know that it's Summer, but I still can't get debate out of my mind. I was really thining about all of the other things that I could do, but thats a post for later. Just to let you all know, a Case is almost the same thing as a 2-10 long winded paragraph on any topic that the National Forensic League wants. This blog post is ment to be very sarcastic, and I'm sorry if I offended any other debaters out there. No, this is not a coppy of the speech that got me to the third round at nat qualls last season. Again, please don't take this seriosll

You can't write an essay without a topic, so my topic will be " Is it fair for Speech and Debaters to spend 12 hour days at Tournaments?"

Once you have your topic, you have to see if you want to start off writing your affirmative speech or negative speech. For times sake, I'm going to start off with my Affirmative speech. When writing both sides, remember not to put your own personal feelings into it. If you do that, then it will be easier for your opponent to attack you on a point such as "Biased to personal opinion" or "Being a Republican", and we really don't want that to happen...

To start off the speech, you want a touchy quote by some famous foreign dead guy.  If the guy is famous, then your stupid judge can know who he is, if the guy is from a far away place, then he must be important, and last, if a guy said this quote, then they would also give you bonus points because guys are just ideal right?  My quote will be by Frederick Ophiner (Get it? This guy isn't real! hah, this is already sounding smart!): "The one who speaks the most, deserves the best competition. " That sounds good right? 

How can you do Lincoln Douglas Debate if you don't have a value? Well, you can't. I tried it and I lost (by two points! Not a bad deal). When you pick out your values, you want to have a Core Value. A Core Value is the CORE of your case. If you have no CORE value, then you are just screwed.  My core value will be Anti Choice, because debaters don't choose their own destiny. How? How don't they choose their destiny? You explain that later. The little value criterion (if you want to be a hot shot, call it "criterion") is just a sitting duck. You use little VC when you want to whip your smarty pants opponent in your last speech, but that isn't important right now.

Lets move on to the real meat of the case: the Contention. Your contentions is where you go all out crazy in any way possible to prove your point.  Contentions should be filled with as much evidence as you can put in them. I seen (well heard) some kid with 10 contentions in their case (not a lie). I had to go up against them too and man was I screwed. To prove my point. Just put as much junk in the contentions as you want to. The more the better.

At the end, you should say " I see nothing other than an Affirmitive ballot". It strikes fear in your opponent and plus, it makes you look pretty cool too. This is what your case should look like if you took all of my recommendations:

Aff Case:

A wise man by the name of  Frederick Ophiner once said "The one who speaks the most, deserves the best competition." I fully agree with this quote and I stand in FULL affirmation of the topic Is it fair for Speech and Debaters to spend 12 hour days at Tournaments?

Let me now present my values:
My Core value is Anti-Thought and my Criterion is Lack of Sleep.

Contentions:
Contention 1:People don't need sleep.
Subpoint A: I am an example. (use subpoints to sound flashy! Use them often!)
Subpoint B:
Subpoint C:
Subpoint D:
Contention 2: You can sleep when you are dead.
Subpoint A: I'm an example too.
Subpoint B:
Subpoint C: More BS statistics.
Subpoint D: (you get the point right?)

Remember to close things off with: I can see nothing other than an Affirmative ballot.

That's it.  That is how you write an award winning case. I still don't know why I do this every weekend while I'm in school.